We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
We now take on Rare’s combo-based classic fighter Killer Instinct. Let’s hit this game with an ultra combo.
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Fight 20 matches with Spinal without making a single boner/penis joke.
*Achievement #2
When you are about to lose, tell your friend he can do his Ultra Combo on you, then as he starts, begin to fight back.
*Achievement #3
When fighting against Chief Thunder, throw pieces of wadded up paper at the screen and tell him to do something about it.
*Achievement #4
After completing a two hour session with TJ Combo, give into the urge to watch Dolemite followed by I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.
*Achievement #5
Using Sabrewulf in a two-player game, continually sing Hungry Like The Wolf until your opponent gives up or tries to assault you.
*Achievement #6
Invite someone over that you know has only played Killer Instinct on SNES to play Killer Instinct Gold on your Nintendo 64. You feed off of their jealousy like a douche sponge.
*Achievement #7
When a friend begins to ask why Tusk can reign down meteors on you ask why he is questioning logic in a game with a pirate skeleton, werewolf and two-headed demon with a spiked wooden dildo.
*Achievement #8
Refuse to play as Orchid in Killer Instinct 2 because you think they made her look like a crack whore with daddy issues.
*Achievement #9
Wrapping your 300 lb. naked body in tin foil for a Fulgore costume makes you the ultimate KI fan despite the neighbors insistence you are mentally handicapped.
*Achievement #10
Realize that 70% of the reason you pre-ordered a $500 Xbox One was for the new Killer Instinct. Cry yourself to sleep.
Since the days of arcades – big rooms that had video games you paid for with quarters, but that’s not important right now – fighting games have been a staple of the industry, and my personal favorite on-again-off-again gaming niche. From the classic successes like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, to relative unknowns like TMNT: Tournament Fighters, some game where two people beat the piss out of each other has always graced my consoles. Battle Arena Toshinden 3 was one of the first three games I had on PlayStation, and my PS2’s very first title was Tekken Tag Tournament.
Part of the appeal was that I had a younger brother, and fighting games provided the much-sought-after ability to let us both play at the same time. Of course, that didn’t always work out so well. As I got older, my best friend Jay and I made a habit of renting pretty much any fighter we hadn’t played yet from the local Blockbuster. Eventually, I came across a copy of Guilty Gear X on the PS2. It kicked my ass, and with no story mode, limited my desire to learn the system; my copy was unfortunately stolen with all of my other games later that year.
Instead of re-purchasing it, I waited until Guilty Gear X2 came around, having heard that it contained a full story mode and new characters. Jay and I would wind up pouring countless hours into that little disc over the next two years, and below is a list of some of our rewards.
Photo courtesy ign.com
Achievement Unlocked:
Achievement #1
Let’s Rock! – Pick up a copy of X2, excited to see the new characters and modes. Foolishly forget how hard X was. Get ass kicked repeatedly. Cry in shame.
Achievement #2
A New Challenger – Play with best friend instead of against computer. Enjoy it so much that you buy him a copy for his birthday so you can both practice and get better. Start sharing save data so you both reap the rewards.
*Achievement #3
On the Battlefield of History – Finally get good enough to try story mode. Realize that each character has multiple endings that are accessed in bizarre ways.* Print out an extensive FAQ on the subject.
*Achievement #4
Dr. Feelgross – As you try and push through the entire story arcs, develop a deep loathing for playing as Faust. Force your friend to learn his move set for story mode. Repeat process for Bridget, Zappa, and Eddie / Venom.
*Achievement #5
Paradise City – Insist on blaring Guns ‘n’ Roses anytime you are playing through Axl Low’s story sections. Become intimately acquainted with how parents feel about waking up at 2 am to Slash’s sick guitar riffs.
*Achievement #6
Not the Good Guy – Play as Sol Badguy to the point where you can defeat almost any opponent with a precision combo as soon as the match starts. Blow through his story mode, only to be told that you are never, ever allowed to use him in another “versus” match with friends.
*Achievement #7
Dizzy With Joy – After literally months of trying, get a call from your best friend that he has finally managed to beat Dizzy’s primary story scenario, meaning the two of you together have officially completed the game. Race over to view the ending.
*Achievement #8
Missions: Impossible – Realize that there are special unlocks tied to completing the special matches in “Mission” mode. Overconfident from story mode, attempt to beat each of them. Afterwards, swear never to speak of it again.
*Achievement #9
I-No The Feeling – Spend lots of time browsing the in-game gallery and deviantArt for shots of I-No, Dizzy, Millia and Jam… for, you know, artistic purposes…
*Achievement #10
Full of Fighting – Watch the animated trailer for Guilty Gear X in the gallery so many times that you can still recite every word of it years later. Remain exceedingly sad that there was never a badass GG animated movie or series.
*Bonus*
Calamity Trigger – Hear about the upcoming release of BlazBlue while living in Germany. Go and reserve the special edition as soon as you get home. Quickly realize that you and your best friend no longer have the free time or energy you did as teenagers. Almost never play it. Buy the sequel.
* Seriously though, look up a walkthrough for the different paths in this game. Simply beating each fight in story mode will usually net you the worst ending. You have to do things like “win the second fight with half heath, wait until the last 20 seconds and then lose the fifth fight, and win the seventh fight using only light kick on a Tuesday.”
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
Alright, here we are. Battletoads. The game that begged to ask “will kids buy a game with roided up toads whipping the ever loving shit out of pigs and rats?” The answer to that was a rather large and emphatic SHIT YEAH WE WILL! The game also fed our underlying addiction for punishment because I am not sure about you, but Battletoads was hard as shit. When you look back at some of the games we played as kids, it’s no wonder some of us grew up with anger issues.
It’s time for Battletoads to get its due with an achievement list of its very own. Radical!
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Spend an excessive amount of time in your room, not playing Battletoads, but staring at a picture of the Dark Queen in your EGM.
*Achievement #2
Get into more than two arguments with classmates that Battletoads is not a ripoff of TMNT even though you know in your heart that it is.
*Achievement #3
Realize that your sophomoric humor comes from playing games that have enemies named Gonnad.
*Achievement 4
When you kill an enemy and your fist becomes large, wonder why the older people in the room laugh when you say “I fisted it!”.
*Achievement #5
Discover new meanings of rage when the vehicle levels boil down to pattern memorization….and your brain does not do that.
*Achievement #6
Perverted Star Wars fans disappointed when the level Wookie Hole does not meet expectations.
*Achievement #7
Break your big toe kicking your coffee table as you yell about every game having a fu**ing ice level that makes you slide around like an idiot.
*Achievement #8
Due to your age, have the complete phallic symbolism of riding giant snakes escape you.
*Achievement #9
Try and get a Battletoads movie Kickstarter going because of TMNT being sodomized by Michael Bay.
*Achievement #10
Write down a list of your favorite video game characters as a kid (Rash, Zitz, Pimple, Toe Jam, Earthworm Jim). Begin to see why your parents took you to see the “special doctor” when you were nine.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Battletoads? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList
As my Jurassic Park IMAX 3D review indicated, I’ve always been a big fan of dinosaurs, and video games – especially ones where you got to play as dinos – are no exception. Jurassic Park itself had innumerable game adaptations; I owned one for the PC, two for the GameBoy, and played the Genesis version whenever I visited friends who owned a Genesis. Each one provided its own spin on the events of the film, and the Genesis version actually let you play as a freaking velociraptor!
Probably my most memorable JP-branded gaming experience, though, came in the form of the Playstation era The Lost World from DreamWorks and Electronic Arts. An ambitious title, it was the very first game I got for my PS One, and I adored it. The graphics were exceptional (for the time), and the game featured a full orchestral score composed by the then-unknown Michael Giacchino. It would have been a stellar title, if not for the existence of a few design elements that should have been left extinct.
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Every time you go to Toys “R” Us, play the demo level as the T-Rex eating hunters and raptors, and generally causing mayhem until your mom drags you away.
*Achievement #2
Upon getting the game, boot it up to find yourself as a compsognathus, eating dragonflies and mice, and generally trying not to die until you get bored and go outside.
*Achievement #3
After several hours of play, get excited that you can finally use your new “memory card” to save your progress. Become increasingly frustrated as neither you nor your tech-genius father can figure out how this works.
*Achievement #4
Finally decipher the manual to realize that this game uses an outdated password system in lieu of save data. Further discover that it only generates a password at the end of each character’s segment, and dying wipes all current progress.
*Achievement #5
Go to your local game retailer and purchase the strategy guide, which in addition to walkthroughs contains passwords for each level. Go to the start of each character section to at least try them out.
*Achievement #6
Start your post-tiny-dino run as the hunter, excited to finally be playing as something with a real offensive capability. Quickly get disemboweled by dinosaurs apparently wearing Kevlar.
*Achievement #7
Jump forward to the velociraptor segments, ready to shred the puny humans the way raptors shredded your hunter. Get riddled with bullets, and then face off against an ankylosaurus, the dinosaur equivalent of a Panzer tank.
*Achievement #8
Finally get to play as the t-rex, only to discover that you are now the biggest, slowest target in the entire world. Slowly watch your health drain as you struggle to eat even one overly-nimble adversary.
*Achievement #9
Begrudgingly start the Sarah Harding levels, and realize that these frenetic, run-for-your-life platforming and grapple sections are probably the best in the game. Until, of course, you get trapped inside a poorly-designed cargo hold trying to fight a t-rex.
*Achievement #10
Ultimately realize that the game is absolutely no fun as presented, so use the codes in the guide to genetically engineer a dino demigod and finally enjoy the game.
*Bonus*
Almost fifteen years later, discover online that the Greatest Hits version of the game was a “Special Edition” that fixed the control issues, balanced the difficulty, added a save system, and included level-select codes in the game manual. Talk about chaos theory.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to The Lost World? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
Today we will take a look at one of the most time consuming games to ever make its way into living rooms, Goldeneye. This game, for many, defined multiplayer for a generation. Hell, I could still pop this game in right now and lose hours just for nostalgia sake. Now we will take a trip down memory lane and give this classic the achievements it deserves.
Slappers only!!
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Die by a proximity mine because your “friend” changed the agreed upon rules as you went to go take a piss.
*Achievement #2
In a four player game, when one friend chooses Oddjob, hit them in the nuts and while two friends hold him down you must kill him ten times in a row to make the game fair for everyone.
*Achievement #3
During a “slappers only” match, your friend’s dad says, “that reminds me” and yells out his wife’s name. Leave quiet and unseen.
*Achievement #4
While playing on the Satellite level and your friend keeps singing the Dave Matthews song, threaten to strap him to an ATV if he doesn’t shut up.
*Achievement #5
Break your controller after dying from an unseen enemy behind those big ass leaves on the Jungle level. Finish game with shitty Mad Catz controller you bought for people you don’t like.
*Achievement #6
With your TV turned towards your bathroom, headshot the man on the toilet in Facility while you also sit on your throne. Laugh at the irony.
*Achievement #7
Delight in the rage that fills your friend as they can’t figure out how to work the watch laser to get off the train.
*Achievement #8
Before you begin any large scale Goldeneye tournament (8+ players), ask who everyone’s favorite Bond is. Any that answer Timothy Dalton are immediately disqualified and beaten with a sock full of oranges.
*Achievement #9
In any multiplayer match, kill the player with Parkinson’s five times in a row.
*Achievement #10
As your first enemy drops to his knees you must say this and forget that your very Christian mother is in the same room. Take in the awkward silence knowing Jesus hates you.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Goldeneye? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList
I missed our “Retro Achievement” launch last week due to an awesome visit from my very kick-ass mom, but this week I’m back with a vengeance and ready to offer up two helpings of vintage gaming goodness.
In case you didn’t see it, last week Hideo Kojima unveiled a video of two men on a horse fleeing from a ghost riding a flaming unicorn. No, Kojima isn’t in charge of Brokeback Mountain 2: Flaming Boogaloo, but was revealing that the much-discussed The Phantom Pain trailer was in fact a teaser for Metal Gear Solid V.
So to honor this latest round of Hideo highjinks, my two-part retro achievement list will center on arguably the most exemplary examples of Kojima-ness from the PS2 era: Zone of the Enders and Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.
Now before I start, I hear a few of you thinking “Wait a damn minute! Both of those games have been featured in HD collections that included actual achievements for them!” I own both of those collections, and rest assured that the “awards” listed below are drawn directly from a basement couch in Alabama circa 2001, as opposed to any recent re-exposure.
Zone of the Enders- Playstation 2
Photo courtesy residentgamers.com
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Ender’s Lame
After reading a sidebar in Official Playstation Magazine’s reveal article for ZoE about Orson Scott Card’s “Ender” books and how they might tie in to the game, take time to read them all before the game’s release. Realize five minutes in that there is absolutely no connection.
*Achievement #2
Cockpit Cock-Up
Field questions from your friends and family about why all the orbital frames appear to have giant wangs – even the obviously female one with boobs and rounded hips. Explain that the pilots sit there, but accidentally use the word “cockpit” and never hear the end of it.
*Achievement #3
Mummy Dearest
At any point in the game, get pinned against the environment by a mummy frame using the halberd, with absolutely no way to fly away or fight back. Die horribly.
*Achievement #4
Nancy Kerrigan
Discover that Jehuty “skates” along the ground when you fly low enough, leaving behind really cool glowing lines. Cease to travel any other way.
*Achievement #5
Anu-Boner
Get to the end of the game and encounter Anubis; immediately decide all other giant robots are inferior. Read online that there are unlockable frames for playing the game more thoroughly!
*Achievement #6
Anu-Blue-Balls
Spend hours beating every difficulty and getting S rankings in the hope that Anubis might be unlockable in either Story or VS mode; Anubis isn’t unlockable. Realize you can’t ever get that time back.
*Achievement #7
Much Ado About…Something
Pay super-close attention to all of the cutscenes and dialogue, as you know Kojima weaves intricate stories. Eventually determine that the entire game is a really elaborate allegory for blind dates (the date being between Leo and ADA, obviously).
*Achievement #8
A Three Hour Tour
Buy the game on launch day and invite your best friend over to play, as you’ve both been super-excited for months now. Very early in the evening, you escape from Anubis and deliver Jehuty to the resistance, ready to continue the fight on Mars. Only, the credits are rolling. Why are the credits already rolling…?
*Achievement #9
BAHRAM Strikes Back
While browsing IGN one night, you blindly stumble across the reveal trailer for ZoE: The 2nd Runner. Even more months of getting pumped up finally pay off when the sequel is everything the first game hinted at but didn’t deliver on.
*Achievement #10
Demo Disc
Eventually you relent and put in the demo disc for MGS 2, and then immediately cease to worry about the contents of ZoE as you pour untold playtime into this tiny taste of Snake’s newest epic tale. Get really, really pumped up for the full release…
Metal Gear Solid 2- Playstation 2
Photo courtesy archive.foolz.us
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
A Solid Start
After years of waiting, spend the first hour or so in slack-jawed amazement, leading up to Metal Gear Ray’s unbelievably cool reveal.
*Achievement #2
Sandy Koufax
Watch the biggest curveball in gaming history go sailing past as the incomparable Snake is replaced by a skinny transsexual with Fabio hair for the remainder of the game.
*Achievement #3
My Heart Will Go On
Really, Hideo? Jack and Rose. Jack and mother*#&$ing Rose.
*Achievement #4
For Me To Poop On
Get splattered in the face by bird shit / slip in bird shit and fall. Realize that one of the major additions to the newest Metal Gear game is bird shit.
*Achievement #5
Chubby Checker
Endure a boss fight against a fat man on roller skates while realizing that its design mirrors the Vulcan Raven fight. You know, the one against a giant shaman toting an anti-tank Gatling gun? Except, again, now it’s against a fat man. On roller skates.
*Achievement #6
Rail Against The Machine
In the boss fight against Fortune, realize that her rail gun is the coolest thing in the entire game. Of course, you won’t get to use it until MGS 4 comes out seven years later.
*Achievement #7
Sobbing Ota-controllably
Listen to Otacon tell the story of how his family dissolved. Never feel happiness ever again.
*Achievement #8
Dr. Solidoctopus
Watch Snake break free of handcuffs, sprint and dive into freezing water after Metal Gear Ray, presumably planning on fighting it with his bare hands. Continue to play as Raiden in a final boss fight that involves using a sword to defeat an old man in Doc Ock cosplay.
*Achievement #9
Do-Re-Mi-Fa-Sol
Discover that this entire operation was actually the cryo-sleep dream of a Ronald Reagan clone hidden inside Mount Rushmore by Colonel Sanders and the Illuminati.
*Achievement #10
Sons of Suckery
While watching the four-hour-long final cinematic, save multiple times in order to do chores, eat dinner, etc. Come to the realization that the finale is so drawn out they inserted save points. Get very, very close to never buying another MGS ever again.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Zone of the Enders or Metal Gear Solid 2? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievement.
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
With the news that Disney is shutting down LucasArts as a game developer it has made us look back at the great games the developer gave us over the past 20 years. I have picked Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire because of the sheer amount of time I spent in this game. You see kids, way back in the ancient year of 1996, games for the just released Nintendo 64 were hard to find. I had already collected all 120 stars two times over on Super Mario 64 and shot rockets at every mountainside in Pilotwings 64, so when Shadows hit the system 3 months after the N64 launch, I was clamoring for it like Casey Anthony for another kid. And it was glorious! I mean if you go back and play it today it looks and plays like absolute shit, but back then….my mind was blown. Ship combat and a FPS with a game that bridged Episode 4 and 5, sign me up! But there are no achievements for the game….until now.
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
After taking down your first AT-AT with a tow cable, go change your pants because you shit them.
*Achievement #2
Spend more than thirty minutes floating up and down the same hallway after figuring out the skating trick on Hoth.
*Achievement #3
Wait for every enemy to get near a cliff so you can watch them fall off after shooting them.
*Achievement #4
Have no regrets when your friends are out having fun and you are trying to shoot every red asteroid for challenge points.
*Achievement #5
Ask your mother what she is doing as she walks in front of you with a laundry basket making you fall off the train in Ord Mantell. Not like she is taking care of you or anything, dickhead (I am speaking to my past self here).
*Achievement #6
Say “how long is this level” ten times while playing through Gall Spaceport. (Hint: It’s fucking long.)
*Achievement #7
Mention how awesome the prequels to Star Wars are going to be to your friends on a daily basis while you play.
*Achievement #8
Kick out anyone in your house that questions how you got $70 to pay for your game because you have a job and their mother is a welfare whore.
*Achievement #9
Uncontrollably laugh at how funny the name Xixor is as you play with a good amount of pot.
*Achievement #10
Buy game again six years later as your girlfriend wonders why you are paying $25 for a game without a box and covered with cigarette burns and a old Jolly Rancher wrapper.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievement
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
First up is one of the most difficult games of all time (for me anyway), Mega Man 2. What fresh hell will you have to go through to get your 1,000 points (or platinum trophy)?
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Die ten times on the first level while you wonder if it is you that is retarded or the game that is hard.
*Achievement #2
Kill 25 robotic shrimp on Bubble Man’s level without making a sexual reference to a bad date.
*Achievement #3
Tell your significant other to stop with the touching crap while you are block jumping on Heat Man’s level.
*Achievement #4
Develop a headache from thinking about how Capcom could screw up a franchise as wonderful as Mega Man.
*Achievement #5
Beat every boss while purposely going out of order.
*Achievement #6
Grab an extra man on a small ledge before falling to your death.
*Achievement #7
When you die on a spike floor yell at your TV, “WHY?? WHO MAKES A FLOOR WITH SPIKES?!
*Achievement #8
Realize that the boss select screen is The Brady Bunch opening and try and place the right Brady with the boss.
*Achievement #9
After your 800th death, throw your controller at your TV and curse at whoever is in the room that they are messing you up by walking around.
*Achievement #10
Get all the way to the Wily stage on difficult only to have your power go out.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Mega Man 2? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievement
