Retro Achievement List: Goldeneye

Photo courtesy
Photo courtesy

Previously on Retro Achievement List:

We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.

Today we will take a look at one of the most time consuming games to ever make its way into living rooms, Goldeneye. This game, for many, defined multiplayer for a generation. Hell, I could still pop this game in right now and lose hours just for nostalgia sake. Now we will take a trip down memory lane and give this classic the achievements it deserves.

Slappers only!!

Achievement Unlocked:


*Achievement #1

goldeneye 1

Die by a proximity mine because your “friend” changed the agreed upon rules as you went to go take a piss.

*Achievement #2

goldeneye 2

In a four player game, when one friend chooses Oddjob, hit them in the nuts and while two friends hold him down you must kill him ten times in a row to make the game fair for everyone.

*Achievement #3

goldeneye 3

During a “slappers only” match, your friend’s dad says, “that reminds me” and yells out his wife’s name. Leave quiet and unseen.

*Achievement #4

goldeneye 4

While playing on the Satellite level and your friend keeps singing the Dave Matthews song, threaten to strap him to an ATV if he doesn’t shut up.

*Achievement #5

goldeneye 5 (2)

Break your controller after dying from an unseen enemy behind those big ass leaves on the Jungle level. Finish game with shitty Mad Catz controller you bought for people you don’t like.

*Achievement #6

goldeneye 6

With your TV turned towards your bathroom, headshot the man on the toilet in Facility while you also sit on your throne. Laugh at the irony.

*Achievement #7 

goldeneye 7

Delight in the rage that fills your friend as they can’t figure out how to work the watch laser to get off the train.

*Achievement #8

goldeneye 8

Before you begin any large scale Goldeneye tournament (8+ players), ask who everyone’s favorite Bond is. Any that answer Timothy Dalton are immediately disqualified and beaten with a sock full of oranges.

*Achievement #9

goldeneye 9

In any multiplayer match, kill the player with Parkinson’s five times in a row.

*Achievement #10

goldeneye 10

As your first enemy drops to his knees you must say this and forget that your very Christian mother is in the same room. Take in the awkward silence knowing Jesus hates you.


We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Goldeneye? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList




2 responses to “Retro Achievement List: Goldeneye”

  1. parisvega Avatar

    Laughing out loud by myself. #3 got me.

  2. #7 is sooo true!

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