We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
Today we will take a look at one of the most time consuming games to ever make its way into living rooms, Goldeneye. This game, for many, defined multiplayer for a generation. Hell, I could still pop this game in right now and lose hours just for nostalgia sake. Now we will take a trip down memory lane and give this classic the achievements it deserves.
Slappers only!!
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Die by a proximity mine because your “friend” changed the agreed upon rules as you went to go take a piss.
*Achievement #2
In a four player game, when one friend chooses Oddjob, hit them in the nuts and while two friends hold him down you must kill him ten times in a row to make the game fair for everyone.
*Achievement #3
During a “slappers only” match, your friend’s dad says, “that reminds me” and yells out his wife’s name. Leave quiet and unseen.
*Achievement #4
While playing on the Satellite level and your friend keeps singing the Dave Matthews song, threaten to strap him to an ATV if he doesn’t shut up.
*Achievement #5
Break your controller after dying from an unseen enemy behind those big ass leaves on the Jungle level. Finish game with shitty Mad Catz controller you bought for people you don’t like.
*Achievement #6
With your TV turned towards your bathroom, headshot the man on the toilet in Facility while you also sit on your throne. Laugh at the irony.
*Achievement #7
Delight in the rage that fills your friend as they can’t figure out how to work the watch laser to get off the train.
*Achievement #8
Before you begin any large scale Goldeneye tournament (8+ players), ask who everyone’s favorite Bond is. Any that answer Timothy Dalton are immediately disqualified and beaten with a sock full of oranges.
*Achievement #9
In any multiplayer match, kill the player with Parkinson’s five times in a row.
*Achievement #10
As your first enemy drops to his knees you must say this and forget that your very Christian mother is in the same room. Take in the awkward silence knowing Jesus hates you.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Goldeneye? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList
It hurts me to watch the Wii U flounder like it has. It is nowhere near as powerful as what will be offered by Microsoft or Sony, but I still have hope that Nintendo can carve their own niche when we finally get some damn games for the system. This E3 will be Nintendo’s biggest test and show if they are really ready to compete.
Shigeru Miyamoto was interviewed by CNN and gave his impressions on how the Wii U’s second screen will eventually become the standard for gaming and a integral part of the living room.
“There was a period when we first released the Nintendo DS that people would say there’s no way people can look at two screens at once. I almost feel like, as people get more familiar with Wii U and these touchscreen interfaces, that there is going to come a point where they feel like ‘I can’t do everything I want to do if I don’t have a second screen.”
“I feel a device like Wii U, with its ability to continue to offer new features and that network connection and the connection to the TV and the interface, really makes it feel that it’s more than just a game machine, but something that offers a lot of practical use and practical purpose in the living room. I look at it as being a very useful device that can do many different things and therefore really seems to be the device that’s ideal to have in the living room.”
“Our immediate objective over the next few months is to improve the Wii U system and make it a little more stable, a little bit more convenient to use from a system standpoint. Miiverse (a sort of social network that lets players interact) is an example of an ongoing project. We really wanted to be able to leverage Miiverse in something like ‘New Super Mario Bros. U.’ We’re obviously still early on in it and just trying things out, but so far, it does feel like the community itself is doing a very good job of being a warm and welcoming place for people.”
How can having a release date (and therefore proving this thing is real) not be the best part of this announcement? Because now Michael Biehn is confirmed to be in the game and hopefully wipe away any memory I have left of the giant shit that Gearbox took on my chest in Aliens: Colonial Marines. I am just considering this DLC, which does not require a copy of Far Cry 3 to play, as an apology for my 60 bucks that was stolen from me.
Thank you, Ubisoft. Bet you never thought you would see me type that, but the thought of Aliens does weird things to me. Check out the official synopsis below.
Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon is THE Kick-Ass Cyber Shooter taking place on a bizarre open-world island crawling with evil. Welcome to an 80’s VHS vision of the future. The year is 2007 and you are Sargent Rex Colt, a Mark IV Cyber Commando who’s fighting against a cyborg army gone rogue. Your mission: get the girl, kill the baddies, and save the world. Experience every cliché of a VHS era vision of a nuclear future, where cyborgs, blood dragons, mutants, and Michael Biehn (Terminator, Aliens, Navy Seals) collide. Playing Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon doesn’t require a copy of Far Cry 3.
I missed our “Retro Achievement” launch last week due to an awesome visit from my very kick-ass mom, but this week I’m back with a vengeance and ready to offer up two helpings of vintage gaming goodness.
In case you didn’t see it, last week Hideo Kojima unveiled a video of two men on a horse fleeing from a ghost riding a flaming unicorn. No, Kojima isn’t in charge of Brokeback Mountain 2: Flaming Boogaloo, but was revealing that the much-discussed The Phantom Pain trailer was in fact a teaser for Metal Gear Solid V.
So to honor this latest round of Hideo highjinks, my two-part retro achievement list will center on arguably the most exemplary examples of Kojima-ness from the PS2 era: Zone of the Enders and Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.
Now before I start, I hear a few of you thinking “Wait a damn minute! Both of those games have been featured in HD collections that included actual achievements for them!” I own both of those collections, and rest assured that the “awards” listed below are drawn directly from a basement couch in Alabama circa 2001, as opposed to any recent re-exposure.
Zone of the Enders- Playstation 2
Photo courtesy residentgamers.com
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Ender’s Lame
After reading a sidebar in Official Playstation Magazine’s reveal article for ZoE about Orson Scott Card’s “Ender” books and how they might tie in to the game, take time to read them all before the game’s release. Realize five minutes in that there is absolutely no connection.
*Achievement #2
Cockpit Cock-Up
Field questions from your friends and family about why all the orbital frames appear to have giant wangs – even the obviously female one with boobs and rounded hips. Explain that the pilots sit there, but accidentally use the word “cockpit” and never hear the end of it.
*Achievement #3
Mummy Dearest
At any point in the game, get pinned against the environment by a mummy frame using the halberd, with absolutely no way to fly away or fight back. Die horribly.
*Achievement #4
Nancy Kerrigan
Discover that Jehuty “skates” along the ground when you fly low enough, leaving behind really cool glowing lines. Cease to travel any other way.
*Achievement #5
Anu-Boner
Get to the end of the game and encounter Anubis; immediately decide all other giant robots are inferior. Read online that there are unlockable frames for playing the game more thoroughly!
*Achievement #6
Anu-Blue-Balls
Spend hours beating every difficulty and getting S rankings in the hope that Anubis might be unlockable in either Story or VS mode; Anubis isn’t unlockable. Realize you can’t ever get that time back.
*Achievement #7
Much Ado About…Something
Pay super-close attention to all of the cutscenes and dialogue, as you know Kojima weaves intricate stories. Eventually determine that the entire game is a really elaborate allegory for blind dates (the date being between Leo and ADA, obviously).
*Achievement #8
A Three Hour Tour
Buy the game on launch day and invite your best friend over to play, as you’ve both been super-excited for months now. Very early in the evening, you escape from Anubis and deliver Jehuty to the resistance, ready to continue the fight on Mars. Only, the credits are rolling. Why are the credits already rolling…?
*Achievement #9
BAHRAM Strikes Back
While browsing IGN one night, you blindly stumble across the reveal trailer for ZoE: The 2nd Runner. Even more months of getting pumped up finally pay off when the sequel is everything the first game hinted at but didn’t deliver on.
*Achievement #10
Demo Disc
Eventually you relent and put in the demo disc for MGS 2, and then immediately cease to worry about the contents of ZoE as you pour untold playtime into this tiny taste of Snake’s newest epic tale. Get really, really pumped up for the full release…
Metal Gear Solid 2- Playstation 2
Photo courtesy archive.foolz.us
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
A Solid Start
After years of waiting, spend the first hour or so in slack-jawed amazement, leading up to Metal Gear Ray’s unbelievably cool reveal.
*Achievement #2
Sandy Koufax
Watch the biggest curveball in gaming history go sailing past as the incomparable Snake is replaced by a skinny transsexual with Fabio hair for the remainder of the game.
*Achievement #3
My Heart Will Go On
Really, Hideo? Jack and Rose. Jack and mother*#&$ing Rose.
*Achievement #4
For Me To Poop On
Get splattered in the face by bird shit / slip in bird shit and fall. Realize that one of the major additions to the newest Metal Gear game is bird shit.
*Achievement #5
Chubby Checker
Endure a boss fight against a fat man on roller skates while realizing that its design mirrors the Vulcan Raven fight. You know, the one against a giant shaman toting an anti-tank Gatling gun? Except, again, now it’s against a fat man. On roller skates.
*Achievement #6
Rail Against The Machine
In the boss fight against Fortune, realize that her rail gun is the coolest thing in the entire game. Of course, you won’t get to use it until MGS 4 comes out seven years later.
*Achievement #7
Sobbing Ota-controllably
Listen to Otacon tell the story of how his family dissolved. Never feel happiness ever again.
*Achievement #8
Dr. Solidoctopus
Watch Snake break free of handcuffs, sprint and dive into freezing water after Metal Gear Ray, presumably planning on fighting it with his bare hands. Continue to play as Raiden in a final boss fight that involves using a sword to defeat an old man in Doc Ock cosplay.
*Achievement #9
Do-Re-Mi-Fa-Sol
Discover that this entire operation was actually the cryo-sleep dream of a Ronald Reagan clone hidden inside Mount Rushmore by Colonel Sanders and the Illuminati.
*Achievement #10
Sons of Suckery
While watching the four-hour-long final cinematic, save multiple times in order to do chores, eat dinner, etc. Come to the realization that the finale is so drawn out they inserted save points. Get very, very close to never buying another MGS ever again.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Zone of the Enders or Metal Gear Solid 2? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievement.
It seems that this slow moving Friday has now given me a reason as to why I got up this morning. The first screens for the (supposed) DLC Frar Cry 3: Blood Dragon have surfaced and I feel like this may be the culmination of everything that went right in the 80’s minus all the shitty things that happened in my childhood in the 80’s. I swear to God if there is a pair of sunglasses I have to put on to see what aliens look like, I may just lapse into what the medical community calls the “Piper/Plissken coma”.
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
With the news that Disney is shutting down LucasArts as a game developer it has made us look back at the great games the developer gave us over the past 20 years. I have picked Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire because of the sheer amount of time I spent in this game. You see kids, way back in the ancient year of 1996, games for the just released Nintendo 64 were hard to find. I had already collected all 120 stars two times over on Super Mario 64 and shot rockets at every mountainside in Pilotwings 64, so when Shadows hit the system 3 months after the N64 launch, I was clamoring for it like Casey Anthony for another kid. And it was glorious! I mean if you go back and play it today it looks and plays like absolute shit, but back then….my mind was blown. Ship combat and a FPS with a game that bridged Episode 4 and 5, sign me up! But there are no achievements for the game….until now.
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
After taking down your first AT-AT with a tow cable, go change your pants because you shit them.
*Achievement #2
Spend more than thirty minutes floating up and down the same hallway after figuring out the skating trick on Hoth.
*Achievement #3
Wait for every enemy to get near a cliff so you can watch them fall off after shooting them.
*Achievement #4
Have no regrets when your friends are out having fun and you are trying to shoot every red asteroid for challenge points.
*Achievement #5
Ask your mother what she is doing as she walks in front of you with a laundry basket making you fall off the train in Ord Mantell. Not like she is taking care of you or anything, dickhead (I am speaking to my past self here).
*Achievement #6
Say “how long is this level” ten times while playing through Gall Spaceport. (Hint: It’s fucking long.)
*Achievement #7
Mention how awesome the prequels to Star Wars are going to be to your friends on a daily basis while you play.
*Achievement #8
Kick out anyone in your house that questions how you got $70 to pay for your game because you have a job and their mother is a welfare whore.
*Achievement #9
Uncontrollably laugh at how funny the name Xixor is as you play with a good amount of pot.
*Achievement #10
Buy game again six years later as your girlfriend wonders why you are paying $25 for a game without a box and covered with cigarette burns and a old Jolly Rancher wrapper.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievement
It looks as though Killer Instinct is crawling out of the grave that Fox dug for it. Last year, Microsoft was denied the renewal of the license because Fox had a similar named property and didn’t want to share.
Well Fulgore days are here again!!!
Microsoft and Fox have signed what Matlock would call a “Trademark Coexistence Agreement”, which basically means that they have something that is named the same thing, but are cool with each other using the name. See, Fox had a TV show back in 2005 named Killer Instinct and it made no complete sense to fight Microsoft on the use of the name of a show that no one fucking remembers. Oh and the fact that the game came way before the show also.
Now this does not mean that a new Killer Instinct is on the way, but it does free up Microsoft to start one if they want to. I would think the fact that they signed this agreement would be a tell that they have more Jago action planned for the future.
Warner Bros. Interactive announced today that the mobile version of NetherRealm’s [amazon_link id=”B0088I7L76″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]Injustice: Gods Among Us[/amazon_link] is up and ready to download on iOS for your iPhone or iPad through the Apple App Store. The game is free-to-play and features a collectible card game to go along with the touch-based combat. If you buy the console version of the game, both will link up for extra content.
I will sit here and wait on the game’s console release since I have a Windows Phone and can’t play. (insert Windows Phone joke here).
In the wake of Disney shutting down LucasArts, Raven Software has gone and done the fans a solid by releasing the source code for both Star Wars: Jedi Knight games, Jedi Academy and Jedi Outcast. In the hands of the internet community I am excited to see what will come from so many people having access to this code. This is not to be confused with the Jake Gyllenhaal movie on a train.
Raven released an official statement about this via Kotaku:
“Raven is sad to hear about the closing of LucasArts today, we respected them and enjoyed working with them over the years. We wish the best for all the talented people who were let go and hope they find good work in studios in the industry.
We loved and appreciated the experience of getting to make Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast and Jedi Academy for LucasArts. As a gift to the persistently loyal fanbase for our Jedi games and in memory of LucasArts, we are releasing the source code for both games for people to enjoy and play with.”
Fans of the Pottermore social site that expands on the Harry Potter universe and lets users read the book in new ways and is the social hub for everything Harry Potter is now available on the Playstation Home service. All you have to do is link your Pottermore account and you are ready to go.
This is not just a direct move to Playstation. There are many new things users can entertain themselves with like new trivia, riding on the Hogwarts Express and new mini-games. Check out the trailer below and be happy that you can actually put your Playstation Home to good use instead of wondering why the hell it is just sitting there taking up hard drive space.
