Previously on Retro Achievement List:
We here at Nerd Rating love achievements and trophies. We are admitted whores for them, but when you think about it, the practice of gamerscores is only seven years old with the introduction of the Xbox 360. We have 30 years of backlogged video games that need to be updated! So that is what we are venturing to do. Our new feature called Retro Achievement List will look back at games of the past and give them a set of achievements to strive for even if they may not seem serious.
Alright, here we are. Battletoads. The game that begged to ask “will kids buy a game with roided up toads whipping the ever loving shit out of pigs and rats?” The answer to that was a rather large and emphatic SHIT YEAH WE WILL! The game also fed our underlying addiction for punishment because I am not sure about you, but Battletoads was hard as shit. When you look back at some of the games we played as kids, it’s no wonder some of us grew up with anger issues.
It’s time for Battletoads to get its due with an achievement list of its very own. Radical!
Achievement Unlocked:
*Achievement #1
Spend an excessive amount of time in your room, not playing Battletoads, but staring at a picture of the Dark Queen in your EGM.
*Achievement #2
Get into more than two arguments with classmates that Battletoads is not a ripoff of TMNT even though you know in your heart that it is.
*Achievement #3
Realize that your sophomoric humor comes from playing games that have enemies named Gonnad.
*Achievement 4
When you kill an enemy and your fist becomes large, wonder why the older people in the room laugh when you say “I fisted it!”.
*Achievement #5
Discover new meanings of rage when the vehicle levels boil down to pattern memorization….and your brain does not do that.
*Achievement #6
Perverted Star Wars fans disappointed when the level Wookie Hole does not meet expectations.
*Achievement #7
Break your big toe kicking your coffee table as you yell about every game having a fu**ing ice level that makes you slide around like an idiot.
*Achievement #8
Due to your age, have the complete phallic symbolism of riding giant snakes escape you.
*Achievement #9
Try and get a Battletoads movie Kickstarter going because of TMNT being sodomized by Michael Bay.
*Achievement #10
Write down a list of your favorite video game characters as a kid (Rash, Zitz, Pimple, Toe Jam, Earthworm Jim). Begin to see why your parents took you to see the “special doctor” when you were nine.
We want to hear from all of you also! What achievements would you add to Battletoads? Leave us a comment below or tweet us your responses on Twitter (@nerdrating) and use the hashtag #RetroAchievementList
