Nerd Rating

Tag: Michael Bay

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review (From Someone Who Did Not See Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

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    This is the tale of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. They were a black and white comic in the 80’s which was made into a Saturday morning kids show that came on before Garfield and Friends which led into Beakman’s World (fuck your Bill Nye).

    A movie version of the Turtles came out in 1990 and it was amazeballs. Yes, I was ten when I saw it, but I still stand by my opinion today. Seriously, go back and watch it. It was dark and depressing as shit in places. Broken families, gang crime, blatant ripping off of Dominoes “30 minute or less” policy. Hell, Raphael gets the wholesale shit beat out of him and you think he might die.

    After that…well, I will let the Honest Trailer for TMNT 2 explain it.

    Now, Michael Bay, director of such explosions as Transformers, Transformers: Shia Goes to Robot Heaven, Transformers: Where’d Megan Fox Go, Transformers: Say Hello to Your Mother For Me and The Island (yeah, The Island) teams up with the director of Wrath of the Titans to bring the Ninja Turtles to the big screen again.

    When turtles come in contact with an ooze of some sort they turn into huge, hulking mega turtles that learn karate by playing Ninja Gaiden and listening to their giant rat mentor voiced by Monk. Just imagine Barry Bonds with a turtle shell on his back and you have a good idea.

    Their enemy is The Shredder, who may or may not be played by the bank president from the opening scene in The Dark Knight. I am kind of fuzzy on that. I do know that the new Shredder costume makes the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine look tame. Has any movie ever made someone wonder “why didn’t they get Kevin Nash to do this role again”?

    There is one now.

    Will kids love it? Hell yeah, but kids are stupid. You know you used to be stupid, don’t act like I am pissing on the American flag by saying they are.

    If you had to take your child to the theater to see this, I applaud your resolve in loving your child. Let’s hope it is that strong when the sequel comes out in 2016, the same summer as the Power Rangers movie. Bend over and lube up.

     

  • First Trailer For Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    http://youtu.be/nCjsWpM9zFU

    Here it is people. Our first look at the (dreaded) Micheal Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    First impression: While I reserve judgment until seeing the final product, this is a mixed bag. I do like the look of the Turtles and what lines they have conveys their signature humor, but I know some will absolutely hate the change in mythology to connect Shredder, April and the Turtles. I still get a feel of Tranformers just with Ninja Turtles.

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles releases on August 8th.

  • Transformers 4 Has A Title And A Poster. It Did Not Explode. Yet.

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    Photo courtesy tfw2005.com

    Michael Bay’s fourth Transformers movie will be called Transformers: Age of Extinction. The new poster even says as much right up there. By the look of it, the Transformers will travel to Tatooine and try to pod race in Mos Eisley with their new racist Mexican robots and it will make a billion dollars and Michael Bay will sit back, collect his money and maniacal laugh.

    I have been burned by the Transformers movies before and can honestly say the only way I would ever give it a chance again would be if Dinobots were in it.

    Dammit

  • Kelsey Grammar Is The New Big Bad In Transformers 4

    Photo courtesy badassdigest.com
    Photo courtesy badassdigest.com

    I guess Frasier Crane really hates Autobots.

    Kelsey Grammar has joined the cast of Transformers 4 as the main villain specializing in counter-intelligence. This is not Grammar’s first go round with a big movie franchise having played Beast (rather well) in Brett Ratner’s attempt to kill the X-Men franchise, X-Men: The Last Stand. He also played the villainous douche rather well on the Starz series Boss.

    Don’t think I don’t see what Michael Bay is doing here. After three TF flicks with Shia the Beef and Megan Fox, he is attempting to have actual actors be in the next entry to make people (like me) think that things are changing for the franchise.

    We will see Bay. We will see.

  • Michael Bay Says His Ninja Turtles Come From Ooze, Thinks Everyone Is A Complete Moron.

    Photo courtesy comics alliance.com
    Photo courtesy comicsalliance.com

    Michael Bay’s TMNT is happening whether we want it to or not. Megan Fox is playing April O’Neil whether we want it or not. The turtles are going to be aliens whether we want it or…..wait what’s that? They are not going to be aliens? But Bay was famously going to change them into aliens and also not have them be teenagers effectively eliminating half of the title.

    Wait, now he says that they are now back to their original origin story with the ooze and not just that, but that there was never eeeeeever a plan to make them alien.

    “There was that quote saying that we’re making [the Ninja Turtles as] aliens. We’re not, It’s the ooze! It’s from the original source material. These are from the original writers, and I never went out to correct myself in the press. I do listen to the fans and I do want this to be authentic. I think they’re going to be really happy with this movie. When I see the digital stuff, the turtles look great.”

    Oh, go eat a bag of dicks Michael Bay.

    There are interviews with people involved with the project that confirmed they were going to be aliens and then when that leaked out there was a mystery halt in the project so the script could be re-written. You think all is forgiven for adding ooze into the script? God you giant douche nozzle. He thinks most people are morons and can say what ever he wants. And honestly because Transformers 2 & 3 made a billion dollars each I can see why he thinks that a bit.

     

     

  • TMNT Co-Creator Has Some Thoughts About Megan Fox As April O’Neil

    Photo courtesy iwatchstuff.com
    Photo courtesy iwatchstuff.com

    Well this is certainly unsurprising news.

    Co-creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Peter Laird, took to his blog to give his opinion about the casting of Megan Fox as April O’Neil in Michael Bay’s version  bastardization of everyone’s favorite heroes on the half shell.

    “My only exposure to Megan Fox as an actress is through her role in two Transformers movies and the wretched (but happily forgettable) Jennifer’s Body. It may not be fair to judge her range of acting skills just from those three movies, but I think it is safe to say that there are probably hundreds of better choices for the role of April O’Neil. Of course, her name has promotional value, and maybe that’s what they want. Who knows? I can’t get myself too worked up about it.”

    In other words, he said in the nicest way possible that Megan Fox sucks. She sucked in Transformers and she sucks so bad that he doesn’t want her in a movie where all she has to do is wear yellow and talk to fake, CGI alien, non-ninja turtle like creatures that like to blow stuff up excessively. It’s Michael Bay, you know I am right.

    When asked for response, Megan Fox had this to say.

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  • Megan Fox Cast In Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles…..God No

    Photo courtesy geekmodeonline.com
    Photo courtesy geekmodeonline.com

    Jesus Michael Bay, it’s like you are just doing this sh** on purpose now.

    So remember Michael Bay’s bastardization of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise? You know, where he was going to make them not teenagers or mutants, but rather adult aliens? You had four jobs Bay!! Here it is:

    -Teenagers

    -Mutants

    -Ninjas

    -Turtles

    And he couldn’t even do that correctly.

    The movie was put on definite hold last year while they worked out the kinks in the script and development which I assuming meant actually writing a script and figuring out how to fund this giant clusterf***. Well things are back on you lucky fans. And Michael Bay has decided on his April O’Neil…..Megan Fox.

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    I give up.

    You know what we should really have been expecting this. We have great Marvel movies and The Dark Knight trilogy so there has to be a punishment somewhere and Michael Bay is here ready with his cinematic cat of nine tails.

  • New Iron Man 3 Poster Gives Iron Patriot His Due

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    Photo courtesy collider.com

    Hey! It’s a new Iron Man 3 poster and I think after seeing it we can agree on one thing:

    Thank God they replaced Terrence Howard with Don Cheadle.

    The new one-sheet focuses on Cheadle’s Iron Patriot complete with sunset sky and flying debris that is required in every action movie poster by the secret Hollywood pact of 1984 which Michael Bay adheres to in the strictest possible way.

    Iron Man 3 releases on May 3rd.

  • Pain & Gain Trailer

    The first trailer for Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain is here. The movie stars Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shaloub and Ed Harris. Wahlberg and Johnson star as a pair of bodybuilders in Miami that concoct a kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong.

    Pain & Gain releases on April 26, 2013.

    http://youtu.be/2aKDwLpX0Ms