Tag: John Cena

WrestleMania 31 Predictions

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This match is a big deal. Cesaro won it last year with full fan support and it launched his career into….yeah. Ok, that is the writers fault, but you see where I am going with this. There are those who should win because of the exposure and big moment it will give them. Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel come to mind. There are those that had big pushes and this would keep that going. Ryback comes to mind. Then, there are those who don’t need to win this match, but will because it is what the WWE does. That will be your winner.

Winner- Sheamus returns and fellas everywhere. A great, big Irish “meh” follows.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Say what you will, I have enjoyed the rotating IC title theft stuff. Oh no, it makes the title actually have time on Raw and look like superstars want to win it. God forbid. Talent wise, this match is ridiculous. Six of the best workers in WWE and that is not a slight to R-Truth. He is no slouch, either. Ziggler and Bryan are the favorites since it looks like they are headed for a feud. Ambrose will do four or more slingshot clotheslines, Harper will hit Swamp Chin Music and Stardust will be there even though he should have a singles match with Goldust. Bryan winning will put the crowd in a good mood since I think this will open the show.

Winner- Daniel Bryan has another Wrestlemania moment, albeit smaller than last years.

AJ & Paige vs. The Bellas

I really wish this was a fatal four-way for the title. It seems like every WrestleMania we always get a Divas tag or a battle royal with no real emphasis on the championship. The way you make fans start caring is to show that you do too. Paige and AJ should get the win, but I am going with Bryan’s other half and Cena’s better half.

Winner- The Bellas let us know we can look, but can’t touch.

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

Talk about a match that should feel way bigger. Orton was gone for months selling the ousting* by The Authority due to a few Curb Stomps by Rollins.

*filming a movie

WWE waited to build this by wasting a few weeks of Orton rejoining The Authority which made fans go a bit tepid even though they knew where it was headed. Orton is 4-7 at WrestleMania’s so a win here would be good and make up for him losing to Kane at WrestleMania 28, which I still shake my head at. Rollins loses nothing by the loss since he still is a threat with the Money in the Bank contract.

Winner- Randy Orton punches the ring and hits a Diamond Cutter.

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

If we were going by selling a feud, Bray Wyatt should be the second man to beat Taker. Despite a few hokey turns, Wyatt has gone above and beyond on the mic which has to be the hardest thing to do week after week when you have an opponent that has not been seen in a year. I still think Brock winning last year was the right call which means that this year Bray is set to lose at Mania again to a big name. Unlike last year, losing to Taker will not be a push killer. Only Cena can pull that off.

Winner- Undertaker makes up for last year (concussion, I know) and gets back in the win column.

John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship

America, fuck yeah. Coming along to save the mother fucking dayeeeyeah. That should be the only sentence. How great would it be for Rusev if he beat Cena? His winning streak would be validated more than ever and it would bring the OMG moment of the night. Sure, he can lose to Cena at Extreme Rules, but no one cares about that years from now. They will remember him beating Cena at WrestleMania.

Like I said, how great would that be?

Winner- John Cena shows Rusev that freedom cost a buck o’ five.

Sting vs. HHH

This is the right match for Sting for his first, hopefully not last, match in WWE. We all want him to face Undertaker, but HHH can work with anyone. Both guys are up there in age, yet the big stage is where they thrive. I expect a slow start that builds to a great final few minutes. I hope they don’t overplay the whole “bat vs. sledgehammer” thing because it makes HHH look like a moron (even by wrestling story standards).

Winner- Sting kicks out of a pedigree, beats his chest, Stinger Splash, Scorpion Death Drop. 1,2,3.

Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

The match that people (including me) have crapped on since the Royal Rumble turns out to be the most unpredictable WrestleMania main event in a while. Brock’s announcement of his re-signing is the best thing WWE could have hoped for. The match has a variety of possibilities opened up now. Will WWE have Reigns win clean? No, that would be damaging to what they have spent the past year doing with Brock’s buildup. Will Brock win clean? Quite possibly. It would only help further his place as an unbeatable monster and help whoever eventually beats him (even Reigns later on). My thinking is that we get a Paul Heyman betrayal and double-turn. Embrace the boos for Reigns and pair him with Heyman who can bring the voice Roman is still lacking. Brock gets a rematch at Summerslam as a face and becomes even bigger than he is now. Hard to imagine, but I think it could happen.

Winner- Roman Reigns woooahhhhs his way to a win, with Heyman’s help.*

*I picked this, yet I do not want it. Full disclosure.

March 26, 2015
Scott’s Best And Worst WWE Superstars 2014

2014 started out to be a good year for WWE. You could tell a change was in the air, but just like Bray Wyatt, they know how to screw things up. As much as I complain about the product overall there are bright spots that give me hope that one day we will be ushered into the next generation of sports entertainment. I call it the A.C. (After Cena) era. Because, in all honesty, no one can ever truly get to the top until he decides to go away.

Not out of the title scene, I mean not there.

Sitting at home in his sad, big house with his vapid girlfriend wondering why people reflect on Hogan well, when he used his entire career to hold people down, while Cena was the company man for over a decade and people spew hate at him daily.

Let’s take a look at the five superstars that lit up a lackluster product and the five that make me wish Nitro was still on the air so I can turn to it when they are on television.

Best

5. Daniel Bryan

Leading up to WrestleMania 30, Bryan was on the biggest wave of crowd favor since Stone Cold became the man in the late 90’s. It was truly great to watch his rise to the top and made WWE’s biggest show of the year feel truly special for him and us. Since April, his life has been a shitstorm. Losing his father, vacating his title due to injury and not being able to heal completely to where some are wondering if he will ever be able to compete again. Still, despite all the bad, he got married to Brie Bella and had a night wrestlers only dream of. Nothing can take away his (or our) memories of that night.

Bryan announced he is returning to the Royal Rumble and whether this is real or a work is still in the air. He could return and win or this could be an out to have Lesnar attack him setting up Cena as the savior of our wrestling souls which leads to Bryan really retiring. Wrestling, worse than a bipolar relationship.

4. Dolph Ziggler

Has anyone had more career turnarounds than Ziggler? His entire career has seemed like one big Vince McMahon dollar bet that he can make a man go crazy by almost giving him the ball then pulling a Lucy on Charlie Brown. His world title win a few years ago looked to be the moment when he rose to the top, but a Swagger-induced concussion cut that short. I have never seen anyone punished for getting a serious concussion before. You win again, WWE. Imagine if Peyton Manning had concussion symptoms and instead of sitting him until he was better, they traded him.

2014 was Ziggler’s best year with the company. No, there weren’t any world titles, but he did something that no one has done in almost a decade. He made the Intercontinental Championship mean something. With only one world champion (who shows up occasionally), the IC title is back to being the second most important championship in the company and WWE realized that you need someone that can make fans care about both the performer and the title together. It also doesn’t hurt that Ziggler never takes a day off in the ring, making every match on TV as important as a PPV. The roster may be too crowded for him to be in the world title picture, but he is doing something more important. Bringing a dormant piece of WWE history back to prominence.

3. Sami Zayn

I don’t want Sami Zayn to go to the main roster. Why would I? Is it selfish of me to not want what I am sure is his dream as a performer? Yes, but the track record of NXT guys (sans The Shield and Wyatts) to Raw is about as good as Joss Whedon TV shows. Big E is acting like the church scene from Don’t Be A Menace, Bo Dallas is a more positive Zack Ryder and they want to turn Adrian Neville into GODDAMN MIGHTY MOUSE!

Sami’s 2014 was littered with great matches with Cesaro, Tyler Breeze, Tyson Kidd and Neville. The match with Neville at REvolution was my favorite match of the year. He can entertain in a four minute match the same as he can in a twenty minute one. His promo work leading into his last match with Neville was great and he is the most over, believable superstar WWE has had in a long time. Why would I want him to go to Raw and have them turn into another Evan Bourne?

Do I think Sami has the ability to make it huge on the big show? Hell yes. It is the lazy writers and the current state of WWE’s product I don’t trust. For now, let’s enjoy Sami Zayn, NXT champion in 2015.

2. Damien Mizdow

In the span of a few months Damien Sandow went from a different gimmick every week to the most over guy this side of John Cena. You would think being Miz’s stunt double would be one step away from the dreaded future endeavors bit on WWE.com. Nope. He took his duty as a stunt double and ran with it, more times than not being the most entertaining part of Raw. When he and Miz won the tag team championships it showed how he literally turned shit into gold.

1. Seth Rollins

Seth Rollins. Proof that we “smart” wrestling fans don’t know shit. When The Shield was split up last year we all spouted off that Rollins was a great match guy, but would fall to the Marty Jannetty epidemic that has claimed so many careers. I mean, look at Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. These were the two Shield guys that had the “it” look.

Guess what smarks? We don’t know shit.

Rollins aligned with The Authority, which was the best possible thing, and had built-in feuds with Rollins and Ambrose ready to go. Throw in the heat with Orton with Rollins’ knack for getting an audience wrapped around his finger with promos and Rollins is the best heel not just in WWE, but in wrestling today. Oh yeah, and he delivers in the ring night after night after night. WWE wants 2015 to be the year of Roman Reigns. I think Seth will have something to say about that.

Worst

5. Kane

Is Kane just an employee like Milton in Office Space? He collects a paycheck, but it’s due to a computer error and he was supposed to be let go three years ago. One week he looks like he running for political office, the next he wears a mask that looks like a t-bone strapped to his face with fake hair. After shows he goes to his desk and looks for his stapler.

4. Roman Reigns

Being here isn’t all Reigns’ fault. I was one of the many who was excited for Reigns post-Shield breakup. He looked like he could one day be “the man”. He still can. Leave it to WWE to push him down the throat of fans so frequently and vigorously that we feel like we spent a bad night in prison.

Batista wasn’t exactly ready in the ring and on the mic when he was given the title at WrestleMania 21, but he learned by being tossed into the fire. Maybe Reigns can do the same. If he can’t, WWE just burned someone who could have been the face of the company before he was ready. There might not be any coming back from that.

3. Adam Rose

Rose didn’t have time to take root in NXT and really see if the character could catch on. He had a catchy theme song and WWE figured they could Fandango him into popularity. Now he is in a months (months!) long feud with a bunny. Remember when Norman Smiley wrestled Ralphus in WCW and you said “man, WWE would never do this”. Welcome to the party, pal. Despite this, I am not a lemon. The former Leo Kruger could still find his place if a heel Rose is handled properly.

2. John Cena

This could easily be seen as an “I hate John Cena” post. I do, for the record, but there is reasoning for him being on here. He won’t go away. Cena has been on top of WWE for longer than Hogan was during his 80’s run. Hogan left the summer after WrestleMania IX, mainly because of the government investigation against Vince, yet the timing was perfect. Hulkamania had run its course (for the first time). It was time for a new look.

John Cena and WWE don’t want this to happen now. They are clinging onto Cena’s reign at the top (a decade!) so tightly they are missing not just the next big thing (whoever that ends up being), but causing a whole generation of superstars to not see what their real worth is. A feud with Cena should elevate a star. It turns out to be poison. Remember how over Bray Wyatt was going into WrestleMania last year? A couple of losses to Cena and a screwy win later, he was an afterthought by Summerslam.

As Matt Fowler said, “ten years is not an accomplishment, it is an assault”.

1. Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler

With all the facepalming bad things WWE put on TV this year it amazes me how no one seems concerned about how bad commentary is. I have no problem saying this is the worst is has been in the show’s history. That includes the team of Rob Bartlett, Macho Man and Vince. Eric Bischoff, Bobby Heenan and Mongo (is my thumb in dog’s ass) McMichael had more entertaining banter. I don’t blame Lawler. He works well when he has someone talented to be the counterpoint. His work with Vince and JR are evidence of that. It is JBL and Cole that seem to forget that they are there to engage the viewer with what is happening in the ring. Is there someone giving a promo? Insert quips here and there about whether the heel/face is right/wrong. Is there a match going on? Talk about the feud in its current state and call out the moves as they happen. What they don’t seem to understand is that you can set up other talking points during all of this.

-Wrestler A sure is taking it to Wrestler B

-Yeah, he is taking out all his aggression from what Wrestler C did to him last week. There’s a bulldog!

-Wrestler A with a kickout at two. He is showing some fight out there.

Instead, this is how matches go.

Cole: Go to the WWE App and watch exclusive content during the commercial. If you don’t know how, here is a step by step process.

JBL: MAGGLE! IF YOU DON’T HAVE WWE NETWORK AND ARE PAYING $50 FOR PPV’S YOU ARE RETARDED! MAGGLE!

Cole: Then you hit install on your phone. Goldust hits a move. What a maneuver.

King: On your phone? Install on your phone?

JBL: HOW DID CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS MAGGLE?! EVERYTIME! HE WRESTLES TONIGHT, RIGHT? I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS! I LOVE THAT! MAGGLE! MAGGLE!

Cole: The App is free. In case you missed it, here is how to download it. Goldust picks up the victory.

It is like being donkey punched for three hours on Monday nights. Actually, I would feel more appreciated after being donkey punched. When you long for the days of Matt Striker there is something wrong. So, so wrong.

Even TNA is doing something to fix their commentary. That’s right. TNA is actually leading the way in actively trying to fix one of its problems before WWE does. Scary as shit.

P.S. Lawler has been moved to Smackdown with Michael Cole and Booker T. is the third member of the team on Raw. This was announced a few days ago. Will commentary be any better? Take out Lawler’s line from earlier and insert Booker T. saying “shucky ducky quack quack”.

No, it won’t be.

January 12, 2015
Money In The Bank 2014 Predictions

Hey, what do you know? A wrestling post. I know, I know. I am behind, but Money in the Bank is Sunday so I figured we would go through the card to see what will go down when all the lights are turned off and all the ladders have been broken.

Plus, there are only four matches announced so far, so this should be quick and relatively painless. Kind of like a sexual experience with me.

Let’s go!

1. Paige vs. Naomi for the Divas Championship

It is a sad thing to say that a Paige match is being used as the start of a Fuckadactyl (I meant to leave out the n) feud. Rumor is that Vince is not behind Paige because he doesn’t get her “look”. If by that he means he forgot what a woman with in-ring talent looks like, then he is right. This match will probably be given the spot of death right before the main event doing them no favors.

Winner: Paige when Cameron interferes and cost Naomi the match which makes the viewer believe Naomi can beat Paige, but we should never believe that. Ever.

2. The Usos vs. Eric Rowan and Luke Harper for the Tag Team Championships

With a card lacking matches this should be given plenty of time unlike the two quick singles matches on last week’s Raw. A Wyatt Family victory could bode well for Bray winning the MITB championship match and ending the night with a Wyatt sweep (which won’t happen, see later to see why). I would like to see a Clothesline from Smell (Copyright 2014- Matt Fowler) and a Wyatt win, but this looks like it will be another Jimmy superkick and Jey splash or Jey superkick and Jimmy splash finish. Who the hell knows, I can’t tell them apart.

Winner: The Usos by twinking finishing moves.

3. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. RVD vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match

After Raw I had three picks to win this match; Ambrose, Rollins or Barrett. Now it is down to two because thanks to the pot smoking clusterfuck that is Jack Swagger, Barrett was injured on Smackdown and may not even be in the match. RVD is there to make things look like they hurt, same for Ziggler. Swagger is there to bleed accidentally and hurt more people. And Kofi…I don’t know, affirmative action?

That leaves Rollins and Ambrose whose feud is one of the best things WWE has going. I am going with Rollins winning because it will help his character out better and I don’t think the WWE wants two faces winning both ladder matches (again, see next match).

Winner: Seth Rollins when he pulls a Damien Sandow from last year (match wise, not career wise, hopefully).

4. Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. Cesaro vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Kane vs. Roman Reigns in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match for the WWE Championship

I would love to wax poetic about the why’s and where’s, the who’s and what’s of this match. About how this should be an intriguing championship match with any number of winners. Cesaro proving Paul Heyman right when he says he is the greatest manager of all time, Bray Wyatt taking hold of the championship and the mind-bendingly good promos and matches that will come from it, Roman Reigns becoming the next “man” in the WWE.

But I don’t get to because it is almost guaranteed that Brock Lesnar is getting a title match next month at Summerslam against the winner of this match. That leaves two choices; Cesaro or John Cena. Cesaro winning would mean we get a match with the two biggest genetic freaks in the WWE and we would be left, mouths agape, at the strength shown.

Or…

WWE can give away the main event in a poster leak ruining any drama this ladder match would create.

Brock beating Cena will help matters because I am a huge Lesnar fan and Cena hater which is a great twofer if this is the Summerslam main event. It also means Cena would have his fifteenth (15!) championship run, one behind Ric Flair. Which also means we are one step closer to him passing Flair which will be the day I am done with wrestling after 30+ years.

June 27, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, April 21, 2014

Guess it is time to get back on the horse or some other analogy that involves me forcing my large body onto some animal to show I am back after a week off. There wasn’t a recap last week because I was at Raw live and just didn’t feel I could cover it with the same smarmy assholishness I normally do after watching it. Also, it was an Ultimate Warrior tribute show so…that too.

First off, I want to offer my condolences to Daniel Bryan and his family on the passing of his father. In case you did not know that was why he was written off the show early by the attack by Kane. He was visibly shaken when he made his way to the ring and props to him for making it through the segment. He has had so much going right for him lately that this seems like a cruel twist.

Show wise, the writers did a good job on the fly of getting Bryan out of there and set up Kane as an actual threat for the title. The beatdown had to be believable and I would guess that three Tombstones at various places outside the ring would do it. Add in Stephanie using her “kids get in the house and stop hitting the maid” voice and you have a successful transition in the McMahon family feuds. Steph gets Daniel Bryan and HHH is doing his Evolution 2.Drax with The Shield.

The IC title tournament continued and I have got some good news and bad news. Or should I say I have got some bad news because Cesaro lost to RVD and I’ve got some baaaaaaad neeeeewws.

Barrett beat Sheamus to get to the final completely reversing what I thought would happen. I thought Barrett would lose and Cesaro would win, but I still consider this a win. Maybe having Paul Heyman as manager is like having a belt in itself; it is a step up from just floating around on the card and if used properly, can take you places.

Side note: When was the last time a tiger driver was used on Raw? We need more of them.

So it looks like Barrrett is your next IC champ, where does that Big E? Well if he takes the Ezekial Jackson route, he will disappear for four years then announce he has left the company leaving you to wonder just where the hell he has been? What has he been doing? Antiquing? Being forced to work as an animator on Slam City? Giving talent their baby oil rub downs before matches?

There were two Divas matches last night…two! No worries though because they involved Emma and Paige.

Sorry, been looking for a place to use that.

It kills me to watch how wrong Emma is being used compared to how they are handling Paige. There is a reason Paige was brought up so early. She is the future of the Divas division. It has been a long time since Trish, Lita, Molly Holly, etc. made the Divas division a watchable part of the show and now it is ready for the next phase.

Emma, on the other hand, is stuck putting a sock on her hand, tagging with a comedy act that has not worked since 2009. Go and watch the Paige/Emma match from NXT Arrival…yeah that was some damn good work. The Divas division is alive and well. You just have to find it.

Is it just me, or does the Evolution/Shield feud not seem as big as it should?

You didn’t say no.

Could it be that HHH and the people backstage overestimated how big Evolution was? Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge mark for them. Maybe it is just because I have a hard on for Motorhead. Or I like Batista dressing in a suit as opposed to his skinny jeans/dicknuts combo. Either way it just seems like something is missing.

No matter how many promos we get, or how many video packages are shown, the group was never as big as the Horsemen or even DX, even if they want you to think that. Don’t worry, they will keep beating it into you until you believe or until you believe it. There is no way out.

Side note: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate The Rhodes’ breakup already and it hasn’t even happened already.

Goldust (who is in a career renaissance) and Cody were your biggest success story of 2013. With The Shield, they carried not only the tag division, but a lot of Raw’s on their own last year. Now, because in the rulebook of tag wrestling it says you must have a breakup, they are blowing up the best team the WWE has (sorry Usos).

What are we left with? Rybaxel challenging for the titles?

You want proof that WWE pays attention to internet fans (even though they look down on them)? Last week John Cena delivered one of his patented (patented meaning shitty) funny promos on the Wyatts, complete with photoshopped family pictures and all that good stuff that made wrestling so much fun 25 years ago. And (internet) fans shit all over it. Why? Because it showed that Cena can not work a program without reverting back to his “hey kids, poo-poo” humor.

So last night, as if by some magical David Bowie/Labyrinth-type shit, Cena was back to his pre-WrestleMania serious tone where the Wyatts were a threat.

One of the problems with Cena being on top so long (as well as staying face so long) is that you run into what I like to call “Superman writer’s block” otherwise known as “Hulk Hogan-itis”.

Why is it so hard to write an interesting Superman comic every month? Because he is the most powerful hero ever and it is hard to keep creating villains to fight him because he is fucking Superman! So you make up shit like magical powers have the ability to hurt him and different colored Kryptonite.

Why did Hogan’s career flounder after WrestleMania IX and his first few years in WCW? Because he was wrestling’s Superman. He had fought and conquered all and we had seen it all before.

We are reaching that point with Cena after a decade. Unlike Hogan, there won’t be a character resurrection. There will be no heel turn that makes children cry and adults cheer. It is a shame because it could extend Cena’s career (character-wise) for years.

Despite all of this, Bray Wyatt continues to be the most fascinating superstar in years. Even last week during Cena’s fun time he kept on track with his insanely good promo work. With his ring work matching his mic skills, Wyatt is a once a generation star. So there are two directions left: watch him rise to the top or watch WWE shit on another could-be great career.

Quick hits:

-Seeing Alexander Rusev live last week, I can honestly say he is built like a brick shithouse. He has an old school look and his music works with his character. They continued his push last night with a win over Sin Cara where he was on the defensive more than usual. They should continue to build him through squash matches while also adding length to his matches to see how he does.

-Even when Paul Heyman has nothing to say but the same thing over and over again, he is still one of the best things about Raw every week.

-Let’s limit how long Seth Rollins gets on the mic. Ambrose has the whole One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest thing and Reigns has the voice that makes panty gravy, but Rollins gives the same point over and over without stopping. He is not bad, he just won’t stop.

-Going into Extreme Rules, I would normally not be very excited with the way the card is coming together, but knowing that I will be able to watch it on WWE Network and not pay $50 for it helps.

Till next week!

April 22, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Predictions

WrestleMania celebrates 30 year of being the “showcase of the immortals”. To look back at WrestleMania every ten years is to see a template of where the WWE was heading for the next decade. WrestleMania 1 featured Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant and Junkyard Dog all in big matches. Wrestlemania X has Bret Hart winning the WWF title as well as Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in their first classic ladder match. Wreslemania XX saw John Cena win his first singles title, Eddie Guerrero keep his WWE title against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit (yeah, I said it) realize his dream.

Now we are here at WrestleMania 30. WWE has put together a good card on paper. Let’s hope it can deliver come Sunday. It has some stiff competition against the previous anniversary editions.

Here are my picks for this Sunday. Please leave your picks in the comments below or just tell me how wrong I am.

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Rybaxel (WWE Tag Team Championship)

I know that one match had to make the pre-show and when it was announced it was this one, I felt for the guys involved. Most of the time when you get a four-way tag match it surprises you with how good it is. I think this will be the case here. You have two high-flying teams and two power teams (and Curtis Axel). That is the makings of a fun match. Cesaro should have his moments and that damn midget bull will headbutt someone in the ass, but I am picking The Usos to retain.

The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This choice is a toss-up with 30 guys involved. There are only 27 superstars announced and WWE.com pointing this out tells me there will be three surprise entrants like RVD, etc. Easy choice would be Big Show, but after Monday I think it is almost too obvious. I will just do the spin the globe and pick a name.

Dolph Ziggler

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

14 Divas in one ring at one time. Elimination match? Hell no, this sumbitch is one-fall. Get ready for something bad. Really bad. It pains me that the only reason this is on the show and not the tag match is to promote Total Divas which is like Real Houswives, only with more vapid and less likable women. I love me some AJ and she is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time, but the end looks near.

Naomi

The Shield vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws

This is the match that I am calling the swerve on. People have bought into The Shield’s face turn in a big way over the past month and it will pay off here. I think Rollins and Ambrose turn on Reigns and join The Authority. The Shield keeps going as heels and Reigns gets the singles push WWE has been planning.

Kane and The New Age Outlaws

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

This is actually the hardest match of the night to call. Cena getting the upper hand last Monday would tell us Wyatt may be going over, but this is John Cena. He is working a lower card match than he is used to at WrestleMania and even though Wyatt has carried this program, Cena gets the win. The feud doesn’t end here though.

John Cena

Daniel Bryan vs. HHH (winner gets main event spot)

I want these two guys to show the intensity that they had at the end of last Monday’s Raw. HHH, even if it is sometimes monotonous, shows up for WrestleMania and it helps that he is wrestling Daniel Bryan, the only other wrestler besides HBK that could get a broomstick over in a match. We could see some kind of screwy finish where HHH wins, but Bryan gets in the main event anyway. I will just say that Bryan wins clean because I overthink everything and that was my first pick.

Daniel Bryan

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Should I really even make a prediction here? This match is a decade too late. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to see it and I think these two guys can steal the show, but the lead-in has been weak with us having no belief at all that Lesnar will break “The Streak”. Taker winning at WrestleMania is a tradition…not all traditions are good though. If he is going to keep wrestling one match a year, make it be against young guys that get something out of losing to Taker.

Undertaker

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. winner of Bryan/HHH match (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

When this match starts, no matter if HHH or Daniel Bryan is in it, we should all wipe our brows and say “Whew”. Why? Because as much as we piss and moan about the booking, at least WWE recognized that Randy Orton vs. Batista was not the match people wanted to see and instead of planting their feet like a child and saying “NO” they are changing things up. I picked Daniel Bryan to beat HHH and I am picking him here to end the show with a big ending. I think HHH tries to interfere but to no avail. Fireworks and a ton of “YES, YES, YES” chants.

Daniel Bryan

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 30, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.

It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.

I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.

Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.

There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.

Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?

The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.

The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.

I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.

The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.

Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!

I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.

Sorry about “that”.

Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.

Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.

“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”

Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.

That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.

Till next week!

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 24, 2014

I am hoping that is Cena’s reaction every week after watching himself on Total Divas.

Horrible reality shows aside, how good has the Cena/Wyatt setup been? I am leaning towards “pretty damn good”. Wanna know why? Because for the first time in…well…ever Cena looks vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, Cena has been beaten down before a PPV and did his “against all odds” shit that made people sick of Hogan after a decade, but this go round seems different. The Wyatts have gotten into his head, even doing the whole “there is someone watching me in the mirror” paranoia bit that we all love.

Normally, Cena winning would get on my nerves. You would figure after ten years I would have this worked out in my head, but I am a wrestling fan so…logic…there isn’t any. I don’t mind here. He has been made to be more than the five-knuckle oaf that always gets the one-up. The Wyatts have an answer for him week after week so when he does win at WrestleMania, it will actually mean something.

Surprise! Who would have thought the match of the night would have been Luke Harper and Cena’s match?

If last night’s match proved anything, it showed that there is so much talent on the WWE roster that is hiding in plain sight.

For a Raw that had some good matches on it, the Taker/Lesnar ending felt like a letdown. The reason why Taker’s casket thing doesn’t do much for me anymore is because I am not 11 years old. It is not even nostalgia anymore. We know he won’t be in there then after it is closed he makes his way through the “Katie Vick Memorial Trapdoor” and appear.

Props to Lesnar for getting thrown over the casket because that didn’t work out so well for HBK when he did it.

One of the things a friend of mine pointed out on his Twitter is that Taker is being set-up to lose at Mania. He gets the upper hand on every random appearance he makes.

But here is the thing…he is NOT going to lose.

There is no win for Lesnar in this. He (and by extent, Heyman) do not get the better of Taker at all before WrestleMania and then get to lose to him also. If we have come to the point in Taker’s career that a match with him at Mania means that you should be grateful for even being involved, then maybe The Streak, or the Taker character itself, should end.

Either that or stop putting big names against him and use it as career-boosting matches for young guys like Reigns, Ziggler or Wyatt who still get something out of a loss.

Arnold was a busy bee last night. He had an in-ring segment with Hogan and man-god Joe Manganiello that was great in three ways:

1. Arnold got the proper cheers and “Arnold” chants from the Brooklyn crowd.

2. The Miz is heel again!!

3. Joe Manganiello.

Then he was on Jimmy Fallon, who used an entire comedy segment to get him to say “get to the choppa” and it was totally worth it.

How over have The Shield gotten in just a few weeks? Damn.

They are now set to take on Kane and the New Age Outlaws in a six-man tag at Mania. They should be given raises just for getting the Outlaws on the card. I feel like The Shield love will come to an end very quickly though.

I am calling it here: Ambrose and Rollins will turn on Reigns during the match.

It sets itself up too perfectly. You have The Shield split you have been teasing, Reigns becomes the big face, Ambrose and Rollins can keep The Shield going inside The Authority, all is well.

We finally figured out what the WrestleMania pre-show match would be when Rybaxel was given a tag title shot against The Usos for helping out Kane on last week’s Smackdown. Way to show faith in the tag-team division that has carried Raw on its back for the past year.

It finally looks like AJ’s reign as Divas champ is over with her taking on every Diva on the roster at Mania. Did it surprise anyone else how many Divas there actually were on the roster when Vicki began naming them off? It is looking like a Naomi or Tamina victory for a new champ and less AJ on the air…(sigh).

Of course, they could have Emma win and I will get to do my Emma dance live the week after Mania on Raw.

With the “Vicki Guererro Invitational” (which sounds like a lesbian golf tournament) and the “Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal”, this is officially the most namiest WrestleMania ever.

Next will be the “Kronik Waste An Opportunity Match” and the “Joe Manganiello Inadvertent Hard-On Segment” (just me?).

I am glad they had a Fatal Four-Way match last night with Christian, Sheamus, Del Rio and Ziggler. It is one of those rare moments where the writers seems to have their heads on their necks and not in someone else’s ass. It continues two feuds and makes the Intercontinental title more important by having these guys fight to see who will face Big E.

Except for the fact that the title match will not be at Mania, you know, where titles should be defended, but on Main Event tonight.

One step forward, two Del Rio rope trips back.

I could talk about HHH, but that would just say that he had anything of worth on last night’s show. He didn’t. He has those weekly interview segments with Cole every week on WWE.com, why on Joe Manganiello’s green Earth would I want to watch it on Raw?

WWE announced that Scott Hall would be inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. This is well deserved and another home run for this year’s class.

WrestleMania is only two weeks away and it is pretty much set. Here is the card:

-Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. ? for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

-The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

– HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (whoever wins is in the main event)

-John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

-The Shield vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws

-Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

-The Usos vs. Rybaxel for the WWE Tag Team Titles

-Vicki Guererro Invitational

I have to hand it to WWE, they have a good card going for them, but I hope it doesn’t go south quickly like WrestleMania 26.

Till next week!

March 25, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 17, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

“Because when I beat Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania, the triple threat match will be Batista vs. Randy Orton vs…me.”

And just like that the main event at WrestleMania scares the shit out of us again.

Yep, we all knew HHH would some way get into all this world title brouhaha like a child that sees something he wants in another kids hand.

Mine! Mine!

I really don’t think we are headed in that direction. This is, most likely, a move to make Bryan’s match with HHH mean more. Because, after last week, when it was announced that Bryan would be in the main event if he beat the COO, it has been thought of as a certainty he is getting there. At least with this new stipulation it adds a bit of doubt into people’s minds.

Side Note: Stephanie McMahon’s fingers are rather bony. I imagine hand jobs from her are a painful affair like the Wicked Witch of the West handling your johnson.

Week after week I am looking forward to the Cena/Wyatt match. Last night was another stellar mic performance as Wyatt was decked out in Cena’s attire talking about his “plastic girlfriend”. I know I say it week after week, but there is no one that can touch him promo-wise right now. The character would fail in anyone else’s hands. It does worry me a bit that, since they are making this all about Cena’s “legacy”, it is almost a guarantee he will be getting the win.

Right now in Wyatt’s career maybe a good showing against Cena is all he needs.

My brain is scattershot this morning (like every morning), so now I will bring up the opening of the show. This was the first interaction between Batista and Randy Orton I have enjoyed since Capt. Skinnyjeans McNavaltattoo came back. HHH being in the mix helped and I can’t deny it is fun having Evolution in the ring a decade later.

Promos are always better when “real life” is mentioned. Orton bringing up no one wanting Batista back or HHH saying he is tired of “Hollywood stars” coming back and thinking they know more about the business than him hit the mark. Anyone else think that was a tiny jab at The Rock?

After last week’s Smackdown it looked like The Shield were beginning a face turn with their attack on Kane. Well, we can file that under “The Shield are faces officially”. You bring in Jerry Lawler, the fan favorite, and have Kane tell them to attack him and things don’t go as planned.

Three cheers for The Shield as good guys!

Of course this throws a big ole monkey wrench in my idea for a triple threat Shield match at WrestleMania. A face turn could work…for a short time. The Shield is one of those groups that works better as heels. It is cool to like them because the fans aren’t supposed to.

I am thinking this could be a short term bit with Ambrose and Rollins turning on Reigns or some kind of variation of that.

The Real Americans have gone from imploding to beating the tag champs in one week. That is some TNA quick-moving shit. Guessing this takes them to a title match before or at WrestleMania where they will lose and do the whole break-up thing where they awkwardly see each other in the hallways and try not to make eye contact before things simmer down and they open a small dialogue of “hey’s” and “how’s it going’s” before having intense make-up sex in a janitor’s closet only to break it off again a few weeks later.

Or maybe that was Scrubs.

Who’s that? That is the kid (man) that played Walt on Lost. Da fuuuuuuuuuq?

I began to wonder if the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal would get put on the WrestleMania pre-show, but with the names filling out the roster there is no way of that happening. Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show, Christian, Mark Henry just to name a few will be in it so I am calling this as a mid-show breather between big matches.

A Goldust/Fandango match normally wouldn’t be news, but did anyone else notice the look of death Goldy gave to Fandango after the match. It looked like he hurt himself right before the finish and did not like how the ending went down. Cody had to actively calm him down in the ring…and Goldust won the match. I would not want to be Fandango when he got backstage.

It looks like AJ’s run as champion is coming to an end soon. Naomi is back from her eye injury with a bedazzled eye patch looking like one of Jean-Pierre Lafitte’s bar wenches. She beat AJ last night then AJ took out her frustrations on Tamina who wasn’t having it.

Anyone else notice how AJ’s push, or TV time even, has gone way down since Punk left. You wouldn’t think WWE would hold grudges just because she is dating him…right?

As we move closer to WrestleMania, does anyone else have growing concerns on if the WWE Network can handle the server load? It has been working fine for me after the first few days of hiccups, but there has not really been an event the size of Mania watched live by millions of people.

Let’s hope this doesn’t become a Halloween Havok moment where the show cuts out during the main event. I don’t think Goldberg or DDP would like that.

For me and mine, we will be having a party and watching on an Xbox 360, yet I will be bringing my PS3 as a backup in case there are problems with the 360 in some way. Still, if there are server issues, it won’t matter what system we have.

What are we going to do? Talk to each other?

Till next week!

March 18, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 10, 2014

SWEET BABY BEARDED JESUS, THEY DID IT.

WWE took a hold of the Daniel Bryan train and pointed that son of a bitch right at the main event of WrestleMania.

With Mania being only four weeks away, I am sure I was not the only one thinking that Bryan would be facing HHH and they would stick to their guns and have Orton and Batista get booed out of the building.

Someone realized that by staying the course, WrestleMania would have been the biggest shit taken on New Orleans since Katrina. Whoever that someone is…thank you. If you will email me and tell me who you are I will buy you a very nice seafood dinner.

Of course, the WWE could have been trolling us the entire time and they are doing Chris Cooper’s maniacal laugh from The Muppets at what fools all of us “internet” fans are. I could not give less of a shit. We got what we wanted for WrestleMania.

Now don’t think I am saying Bryan is automatically winning the title. I could see Batista winning just as easily, setting him up as the main heel of the company. But this is also not a normal WrestleMania either. It is WrestleMania 30. It is like a big anniversary for your parents and you want it to end with them hugging and kissing while the family “awes”, not with your mother calling your dad a drunken loser and your dad saying he bang his secretary ten years ago.

We also officially got Cena vs. Wyatt set for Mania last night. Now we just play the waiting game of Wyatt bitch slapping Cena for four weeks on the mic then have Cena overcome all the odds…blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different decade.

This could be a star-making, career-defining moment if they let Wyatt go over, but I think we all know better than that. It is like going to the dog track and betting all of your money on a chihuahua when he is racing against Clifford the Big Red Dog and getting pissed when he loses.

The Undertaker graced us with his nine minute entrance and thirty second promo. It’s all cool, cause Uncle Paul was there to carry the load. I loved how he compared Taker’s streak against the other greats who have come nowhere close. Whenever I hear Heyman on the mic selling the hell out of a match between a guy that only wrestles once a year and another guy who is not even there, it makes me wonder how much better the past five years could have been if he had been with the WWE full-time.

Hell, he probably could have gotten Ryback a world title if he had been his voice the entire time. As frightening as that sounds, that’s how good Heyman is.

The rest of Raw was used for a slow burn of feuds we hope pay off at Mania. The Shield had another great match with The Rhodes Brothers, who took time away from playing with WWE Lego’s in the back to give The Shield their win back from last year. With only four weeks left, they are going to have to start making that crack they keep talking about into a full-blown explosion.

Unless…they have decided to keep The Shield together past WrestleMania, which is juuuust fine with me.

BROTHER, BROTHER! WWE UNIVERSE! WWE NETWORK! CHRIS LEMMON! BROTHER!

OK, I do like the idea of the Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal. It gets a lot of guys who would be in the back eating catering on the card and pays respect to the legacy of Andre. Anyone else thinking a Big Show win?

Sheamus and Christian wrestled…again…again. I applaud these two for working hard the past few weeks even when no one in the crowd seemed to care. That wasn’t the case last night. Their Memphis Street Fight was damn fun to watch. Christian went a little 12 Years a Slave on Sheamus’ back with that kendo stick. Doesn’t help he is basically a six foot five inch bottle of Elmer’s glue either.

How about that Brogue Kick through the bass drum?

If you did not watch the match last night, that sentence made it sound like I just jumbled words together like the little magnets on the refrigerator.

Once again, Cesaro has become an afterthought on Raw after his match with Cena last month. Seems like I predicted that would happen, but I won’t get a dickish and say it…wait.

He and Swagger are headed for splitsville and will be lucky to have a match against each other on the Mania card. I swear they better not pre-show Cesaro. You did so much right last night WWE. Don’t cock it up.

Here is the updated card for WrestleMania 30 after last night:

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. (Daniel Bryan?) for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (if Bryan wins he is in the main event)

Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal

Till next week!

If Helen Mirren twerking did not make your day, I can’t help you.

March 11, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap March 3, 2014

Raw was in Chicago last night. The big show they were dreading and the one everyone of us was looking forward to the most.

Rumors broke a few days ago that CM Punk could possibly be returning to a hero’s welcome. Well in the realm of “shit that didn’t happen” that rumor reigned as king last night.

Yep, Punk was a no show.

OK, so Punk is still at home sulking and getting ready for his @midnight appearance. It was all good because WWE put on a really good show and even managed to use the whole “Highjack Raw” for their favor when they sent out Daniel Bryan to acknowledge it and use it to his advantage.

Trolling in its highest form. Bravo, WWE.

Raw managed to move forward a lot of its storylines last night despite the loud Chicago crowd. Let’s be clear, the crowd was insanely loud and chanted “CM Punk” most of the night as we knew they would, but it did not feel like the post-WrestleMania Jersey crowd that created absolute magic.

Bryan faced Batista and even slowing down his pace, Big Dave looked winded after about five minutes. This may be reason enough to put a third man in the main event of Mania. How good a match can he have with Orton if he is pulling a Warrior and getting blown up on his way to the ring?

It does look like it will be HHH and Bryan after last night. I still think WWE was holding out a few weeks to see if they could salvage something out of Punk, but now they have to look forward to salvaging WrestleMania.

The interesting part of last night is that I get the feeling that the Bryan/HHH match will lead to more. Something to the effect of “if Bryan can beat HHH, he gets in the main event at WrestleMania” sort of thing. He could overcome HHH with all of The Authority trying to screw him then he gets in the main event where you have Batista pin him, setting Captain Naval Tattoo as the main heel of the company as Bryan chases the title.

What is a shame right now is that Orton does not feel like he is anything of importance despite being champion. Feels like going into WrestleMania 25 where he was booked so weak and had a disappointing match with HHH.

Cesaro and Swagger played the blame game costing each other matches before hugging it out by the worst looking Ari Gold impersonator ever. Looks like Cesaro’s great run will end with a match against Swagger at Mania. That is if Swagger doesn’t fuck up again before the PPV like last year.

How fucking great was that Shield/Wyatt match?!!

It had just the right elements of tag matches and brawling and it made the crowd actually cheer and chant for the guys involved.

I loved the Rollins leaving bit. It was unexpected until he explained that he could not be the glue that kept the group together anymore. If they have a triple threat at Mania, get ready for a show.

Paul Heyman proved again why he kept ECW in business for so many years despite having no money.

How big a target was on his back being sent out first (to Punk’s music!) and talk about the tattooed, straightedge elephant not in the room and segue that into Lesnar’s match with The Undertaker. Whatever they pay him, it is not enough.

Fucking brilliant.

I loved Lesnar’s destruction of Mark Henry. It makes sense with Henry still looking for revenge for his broken arm and makes Brock look like the maniac he is for putting Henry down every time. That F5 through the table was good as well.

I have noticed that when WrestleMania comes around, no table is safe.

What I thought would happen a couple of weeks ago with John Cena and Bray Wyatt came to be. Cena came out and cut his normal cookie-cutter promo we have heard for a decade, then Wyatt appeared on screen and bitch-slapped Cena verbally with no chance of saving face.

This will continue because no one can touch Wyatt on the mic.

Paul Bearer in the Hall of Fame. This is the definition of right.

The Usos winning the tag titles was a good move. We knew it was going to happen and I think the WWE wanted to hold off a bit longer, but they used the Chicago crowd to pop for a title change. It helps the Outlaws gave them their best match since coming back.

#Emmalution #Emmataining

Aaron Paul should be on Raw every week. Ziggler will be champion inside of a month.

How out the door is Del Rio? He is past Batista and now he lost in two minutes to Ziggler to get a pop for the guest host? We all know he is heading back to Mexico so WWE is doing what they do; make him look like a loser on the way out.

By the way: why the hell even have Paul on if he is not going to say “bitch” once??

If you have the WWE Network and have not watched the NXT Arrival special, you are missing two hours of great wrestling. I enjoyed it more than I have any PPV over the past year. Just watching the Emma and Paige match shows the disconnect between Divas matches on Raw and NXT. The wrestled for 15 minutes and I was entertained by every moment.

Till next week!

March 4, 2014