Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 30, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE
Photo courtesy WWE

Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.

It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.

I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.

Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.

There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.

robin sparkles

Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?

The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.

The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.

I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.

The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.


Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!

I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.

Sorry about “that”.

Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.


Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.

“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”

Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.

That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.

Till next week!




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *