Tag: HHH

WrestleMania 31 Recap- Brock Lesnar Is The Greatest Thing Ever

With a pre-show like this, why not make WrestleMania five hours?

The tag match was seven guys going balls out in the ring. I expected nothing going in, but got a Tower of Doom, slingshot backstabber off the top rope and a midget getting put in the Sharpshooter. Too bad half the stadium was still outside getting in line to see it. Cesaro gets a second Mania win. Things can’t be all bad.

“Big Show has never won a battle royal.” With that said halfway through the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, I knew the outcome. It wasn’t the fact they said it once, it was that they continued to say it. The Mizdow split from Miz got the reaction you expected even though it made Sandow looked like a fool. Why don’t you work with Miz to eliminate Big Show, then turn? Logic, I know. The actual match had its moments. Show eliminating New Day was fun and should have put a “return to sender” sticker on them. Turn them heel, already. Ryback got in his offense. In the end, Show winning isn’t bad. Just…there.

And Axelmania is still running wild.

Seven guys, twenty ladders and be careful with Daniel Bryan.

A story released last week that the WWE is concerned about Daniel Bryan’s health so that is why he has been out of the main event picture. And if we have listened to CM Punk’s interview with Colt Cabana, the logic of putting Bryan in a ladder match makes complete “WWE sense”. I will say I was right in calling that this would open the show and that Bryan would win to get the crowd in a good mood. All of them worked their asses off. Dean Ambrose may actually have new personality from now on because I am pretty sure he had a major concussion after going through that ladder.

The ending with Bryan and Ziggler basically doing “bro you headbutt me and I’ll headbutt you, first guy to die loses” was so, so great. We know they are headed for a program and this was a great way to get some Ziggler resentment started after he beat Bryan twice in a row.

It’s ok, Seth. Things will get better.

Like I said in predictions, Orton was due this one. He lost the title last year, lost at 29 and 28. Throw him a bone. What felt off about this was that it felt like a long Raw match, not a WrestleMania-type match. I blame that on WWE and the squandering of the story over the past month. The thing that IS a WrestleMania moment is this:

Sorry, Evan Bourne. You are now officially erased from WWE memory. What we had to hold onto was your Shooting Star Press into an RKO, but now this has taken over that spot. I love it because it shows forethought by Orton’s character. He know what Rollins finishing move is, when he sees it coming use your weight to launch him. As I said before…logic. You don’t find it in wrestling often, but when it shows up it is like a ice cold drink on a hot day.

This is the most overbooked, Vince Russo finish in WrestleMania history…and I loved every fucking minute of it.

Let’s me be up front; the match itself before all the shenanigans was actually good. Both HHH and Sting went out there and showed there is a reason they had long runs on top. I especially loved the HHH knee that Sting no-sold and then beat his chest. The 1997 in me got excited again.

When the clusterfuck started happening it was the clusterfuckiest clusterfuck ever clusterfucked. DX comes out to save HHH. nWo comes out to help Sting (don’t think about them being friends with HHH or the fact Sting spent time trying to destroy them), Shawn Michaels comes out and hits Sting with Sweet Chin Music.

Jesus H. Christ, if ever there was a time for Buff Bagwell to take time off from being a gigolo and come back, THIS WAS IT!

People may be upset that Sting did the job. He was going to do the job anyway if he faced Taker, so he was destined to start (finish?) WWE 0-1. Maybe this was HHH’s way of getting his win back from Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania 12.

And there is no forgetting this…ever.

#Wasthisenoughofachance?

The problem with Divas matches at WrestleMania is that all the matches are big so there is no real place to put the match and be fair. After the Orton/Rollins match seemed like the best place, but WWE isn’t psychic. For all they know those two could have tore the house down and the Divas match would have still been fucked. Instead, it goes on after the biggest match in WrestleMania history, star power wise.

The match itself was pretty good. I thought Paige and Nikki’s match from last week’s Raw was better. I am all for long Divas matches. Just give them the same courtesy you give your other big stars and let them hit every finisher in the book multiple times and get the crowd on their feet.

Here is hoping next year’s Mania has AJ, Paige, Charlotte and Sasha Banks involved. Perchance to dream.

Riding on a tank > plastic Terminator suit

Look at that. Bask in it. How glorious is that? I swear if Rusev came out on that tank and then BEAT CENA, I would have changed my profile pic on every social media site to Putin riding a horse shirtless and proclaimed my love for Mother Russia. I would have bought Yakov Smirnoff t-shirts.

The problem I had was not with the match, or with Cena winning. It was that the ending had no drama. One AA and a three count. No kick out with Cena questioning what will it take to beat this undefeated behemoth. Just another Cena ending like we have seen over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Hi, I’m The Rock and I am here to help fill twenty minutes so the sun can go down more.

Here is my problem; HHH just had a big match with Sting an hour earlier. People have waited fourteen years to see Sting and HHH can’t even sell any effect of the match because he is back in the ring in suit and tie to set up next year’s Mania with The Rock. This is the part of his character I do not like. Be a wrestler, fine. Be a suit, fine. If you are going to do both at least give them both the attention they deserve.

As far as The Rock goes, he is always there to give time where WWE needs. This time he had some backup with Ronda Rousey coming from the front row to hip toss HHH and put her hands on Stephanie which is what happens in one of my fan fictions that I haven’t written, but think about a lot. A whole lot.

One healthy looking deadman

What a difference a year can make. Undertaker looked sickly at WrestleMania 30 and that was before he got a concussion five minutes into the match. This year he showed up looking like what we have grown used to over the past six or seven years. I still maintain that he should have lost last year because of the good it did for Brock, Now we see the good it did for Undertaker. People cared about his WrestleMania matches again. There was no certainty that he would win. When he pinned Bray Wyatt the crowd gave a real pop because their hero had returned to form.

Bray loses nothing with the loss. It is not like last year where the push-killer John Cena worked his magic. Where they go with Wyatt from here is important. He carried the builup to WrestleMania. He needs somewhere good to go from here.

Brock Fucking Lesnar

I will get to the ending, but I need to say this first. Brock is the best. Just the fucking best. To everyone that complains about his part-time schedule and that he is a waste. Go fuck yourself. He is worth every dollar he is paid and ten times over. A man that can eviscerate anyone and you still can’t look away. Even his facial expressions when he started to realize Roman might actually beat him was great. He may not have started out in this industry as a wrestling lover and he may not love it now, but he will go down as one of the greatest to ever be. Get used to it. Suplex city, bitch.

I thought someone from NXT booked the match because it made complete sense. Brock went all Summerslam on Roman for 15 minutes basically beating his ass seven ways to Sunday and had fun doing it. Roman showed he can be dominated and still come back and be a threat to win. He may not be ready now in many eyes (mine too) though I will admit last night showed he is really close.

That ending. If you thought your fantasy ending that you talked about with your friends was stolen last night, join the group. It was the best ending available besides Brock hitting Roman with five F5’s and pinning him in four minutes. Brock doesn’t take a loss and has a beef with Rollins. Reigns had his dream stolen from Rollins when he was so close to beating the unbeatable and he has a beef with Rollins already from The Shield breakup and now Rollins has fucked his dream like they were inmates on Oz.

Rollins is the man who in five years has gone from ROH champion to NXT champion to WWE World Heavyweight to close WrestleMania. He is the type of champion that is very beatable yet should keep the title for a long time because he can weasel his way to victories every month. Not to mention he is the new Shawn Michaels and can wrestle a broomstick and make it look good.

Don’t fuck it up, WWE. (Their going to fuck it up aren’t they?)

March 31, 2015
WrestleMania 31 Predictions

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This match is a big deal. Cesaro won it last year with full fan support and it launched his career into….yeah. Ok, that is the writers fault, but you see where I am going with this. There are those who should win because of the exposure and big moment it will give them. Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel come to mind. There are those that had big pushes and this would keep that going. Ryback comes to mind. Then, there are those who don’t need to win this match, but will because it is what the WWE does. That will be your winner.

Winner- Sheamus returns and fellas everywhere. A great, big Irish “meh” follows.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Say what you will, I have enjoyed the rotating IC title theft stuff. Oh no, it makes the title actually have time on Raw and look like superstars want to win it. God forbid. Talent wise, this match is ridiculous. Six of the best workers in WWE and that is not a slight to R-Truth. He is no slouch, either. Ziggler and Bryan are the favorites since it looks like they are headed for a feud. Ambrose will do four or more slingshot clotheslines, Harper will hit Swamp Chin Music and Stardust will be there even though he should have a singles match with Goldust. Bryan winning will put the crowd in a good mood since I think this will open the show.

Winner- Daniel Bryan has another Wrestlemania moment, albeit smaller than last years.

AJ & Paige vs. The Bellas

I really wish this was a fatal four-way for the title. It seems like every WrestleMania we always get a Divas tag or a battle royal with no real emphasis on the championship. The way you make fans start caring is to show that you do too. Paige and AJ should get the win, but I am going with Bryan’s other half and Cena’s better half.

Winner- The Bellas let us know we can look, but can’t touch.

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

Talk about a match that should feel way bigger. Orton was gone for months selling the ousting* by The Authority due to a few Curb Stomps by Rollins.

*filming a movie

WWE waited to build this by wasting a few weeks of Orton rejoining The Authority which made fans go a bit tepid even though they knew where it was headed. Orton is 4-7 at WrestleMania’s so a win here would be good and make up for him losing to Kane at WrestleMania 28, which I still shake my head at. Rollins loses nothing by the loss since he still is a threat with the Money in the Bank contract.

Winner- Randy Orton punches the ring and hits a Diamond Cutter.

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

If we were going by selling a feud, Bray Wyatt should be the second man to beat Taker. Despite a few hokey turns, Wyatt has gone above and beyond on the mic which has to be the hardest thing to do week after week when you have an opponent that has not been seen in a year. I still think Brock winning last year was the right call which means that this year Bray is set to lose at Mania again to a big name. Unlike last year, losing to Taker will not be a push killer. Only Cena can pull that off.

Winner- Undertaker makes up for last year (concussion, I know) and gets back in the win column.

John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship

America, fuck yeah. Coming along to save the mother fucking dayeeeyeah. That should be the only sentence. How great would it be for Rusev if he beat Cena? His winning streak would be validated more than ever and it would bring the OMG moment of the night. Sure, he can lose to Cena at Extreme Rules, but no one cares about that years from now. They will remember him beating Cena at WrestleMania.

Like I said, how great would that be?

Winner- John Cena shows Rusev that freedom cost a buck o’ five.

Sting vs. HHH

This is the right match for Sting for his first, hopefully not last, match in WWE. We all want him to face Undertaker, but HHH can work with anyone. Both guys are up there in age, yet the big stage is where they thrive. I expect a slow start that builds to a great final few minutes. I hope they don’t overplay the whole “bat vs. sledgehammer” thing because it makes HHH look like a moron (even by wrestling story standards).

Winner- Sting kicks out of a pedigree, beats his chest, Stinger Splash, Scorpion Death Drop. 1,2,3.

Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

The match that people (including me) have crapped on since the Royal Rumble turns out to be the most unpredictable WrestleMania main event in a while. Brock’s announcement of his re-signing is the best thing WWE could have hoped for. The match has a variety of possibilities opened up now. Will WWE have Reigns win clean? No, that would be damaging to what they have spent the past year doing with Brock’s buildup. Will Brock win clean? Quite possibly. It would only help further his place as an unbeatable monster and help whoever eventually beats him (even Reigns later on). My thinking is that we get a Paul Heyman betrayal and double-turn. Embrace the boos for Reigns and pair him with Heyman who can bring the voice Roman is still lacking. Brock gets a rematch at Summerslam as a face and becomes even bigger than he is now. Hard to imagine, but I think it could happen.

Winner- Roman Reigns woooahhhhs his way to a win, with Heyman’s help.*

*I picked this, yet I do not want it. Full disclosure.

March 26, 2015
Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling. Max Landis’ Wrestling Magnum Opus

Screenwriter Max Landis has released his sort-of, quasi-follow-up to The Death and Return of Superman, which is possibly my favorite YouTube video ever.

Sorry, cats doing…anything.

Now, his focus is on wrestling, of which Landis is a lifelong fan. If you follow him on Twitter you know he has had this idea swimming in his head for a long time and the fruits of that labor are here with his video, Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling. He takes a similar approach to his Superman video in explaining the career of his favorite wrestler, HHH.

If you are a lifelong fan (like me), you have probably already watched it. If you are not a fan, Landis (in my opinion) made this video for you, to show the uninitiated why it is that we love this “fake” “sport”. It is every bit as brilliant and hilarious as Death and Return was and I hope that you give it a watch.

At least watch it to see how many guest stars you can find. Yes, Macaulay Culkin is there.

March 20, 2015
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, April 21, 2014

Guess it is time to get back on the horse or some other analogy that involves me forcing my large body onto some animal to show I am back after a week off. There wasn’t a recap last week because I was at Raw live and just didn’t feel I could cover it with the same smarmy assholishness I normally do after watching it. Also, it was an Ultimate Warrior tribute show so…that too.

First off, I want to offer my condolences to Daniel Bryan and his family on the passing of his father. In case you did not know that was why he was written off the show early by the attack by Kane. He was visibly shaken when he made his way to the ring and props to him for making it through the segment. He has had so much going right for him lately that this seems like a cruel twist.

Show wise, the writers did a good job on the fly of getting Bryan out of there and set up Kane as an actual threat for the title. The beatdown had to be believable and I would guess that three Tombstones at various places outside the ring would do it. Add in Stephanie using her “kids get in the house and stop hitting the maid” voice and you have a successful transition in the McMahon family feuds. Steph gets Daniel Bryan and HHH is doing his Evolution 2.Drax with The Shield.

The IC title tournament continued and I have got some good news and bad news. Or should I say I have got some bad news because Cesaro lost to RVD and I’ve got some baaaaaaad neeeeewws.

Barrett beat Sheamus to get to the final completely reversing what I thought would happen. I thought Barrett would lose and Cesaro would win, but I still consider this a win. Maybe having Paul Heyman as manager is like having a belt in itself; it is a step up from just floating around on the card and if used properly, can take you places.

Side note: When was the last time a tiger driver was used on Raw? We need more of them.

So it looks like Barrrett is your next IC champ, where does that Big E? Well if he takes the Ezekial Jackson route, he will disappear for four years then announce he has left the company leaving you to wonder just where the hell he has been? What has he been doing? Antiquing? Being forced to work as an animator on Slam City? Giving talent their baby oil rub downs before matches?

There were two Divas matches last night…two! No worries though because they involved Emma and Paige.

Sorry, been looking for a place to use that.

It kills me to watch how wrong Emma is being used compared to how they are handling Paige. There is a reason Paige was brought up so early. She is the future of the Divas division. It has been a long time since Trish, Lita, Molly Holly, etc. made the Divas division a watchable part of the show and now it is ready for the next phase.

Emma, on the other hand, is stuck putting a sock on her hand, tagging with a comedy act that has not worked since 2009. Go and watch the Paige/Emma match from NXT Arrival…yeah that was some damn good work. The Divas division is alive and well. You just have to find it.

Is it just me, or does the Evolution/Shield feud not seem as big as it should?

You didn’t say no.

Could it be that HHH and the people backstage overestimated how big Evolution was? Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge mark for them. Maybe it is just because I have a hard on for Motorhead. Or I like Batista dressing in a suit as opposed to his skinny jeans/dicknuts combo. Either way it just seems like something is missing.

No matter how many promos we get, or how many video packages are shown, the group was never as big as the Horsemen or even DX, even if they want you to think that. Don’t worry, they will keep beating it into you until you believe or until you believe it. There is no way out.

Side note: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate The Rhodes’ breakup already and it hasn’t even happened already.

Goldust (who is in a career renaissance) and Cody were your biggest success story of 2013. With The Shield, they carried not only the tag division, but a lot of Raw’s on their own last year. Now, because in the rulebook of tag wrestling it says you must have a breakup, they are blowing up the best team the WWE has (sorry Usos).

What are we left with? Rybaxel challenging for the titles?

You want proof that WWE pays attention to internet fans (even though they look down on them)? Last week John Cena delivered one of his patented (patented meaning shitty) funny promos on the Wyatts, complete with photoshopped family pictures and all that good stuff that made wrestling so much fun 25 years ago. And (internet) fans shit all over it. Why? Because it showed that Cena can not work a program without reverting back to his “hey kids, poo-poo” humor.

So last night, as if by some magical David Bowie/Labyrinth-type shit, Cena was back to his pre-WrestleMania serious tone where the Wyatts were a threat.

One of the problems with Cena being on top so long (as well as staying face so long) is that you run into what I like to call “Superman writer’s block” otherwise known as “Hulk Hogan-itis”.

Why is it so hard to write an interesting Superman comic every month? Because he is the most powerful hero ever and it is hard to keep creating villains to fight him because he is fucking Superman! So you make up shit like magical powers have the ability to hurt him and different colored Kryptonite.

Why did Hogan’s career flounder after WrestleMania IX and his first few years in WCW? Because he was wrestling’s Superman. He had fought and conquered all and we had seen it all before.

We are reaching that point with Cena after a decade. Unlike Hogan, there won’t be a character resurrection. There will be no heel turn that makes children cry and adults cheer. It is a shame because it could extend Cena’s career (character-wise) for years.

Despite all of this, Bray Wyatt continues to be the most fascinating superstar in years. Even last week during Cena’s fun time he kept on track with his insanely good promo work. With his ring work matching his mic skills, Wyatt is a once a generation star. So there are two directions left: watch him rise to the top or watch WWE shit on another could-be great career.

Quick hits:

-Seeing Alexander Rusev live last week, I can honestly say he is built like a brick shithouse. He has an old school look and his music works with his character. They continued his push last night with a win over Sin Cara where he was on the defensive more than usual. They should continue to build him through squash matches while also adding length to his matches to see how he does.

-Even when Paul Heyman has nothing to say but the same thing over and over again, he is still one of the best things about Raw every week.

-Let’s limit how long Seth Rollins gets on the mic. Ambrose has the whole One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest thing and Reigns has the voice that makes panty gravy, but Rollins gives the same point over and over without stopping. He is not bad, he just won’t stop.

-Going into Extreme Rules, I would normally not be very excited with the way the card is coming together, but knowing that I will be able to watch it on WWE Network and not pay $50 for it helps.

Till next week!

April 22, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Recap

So anything interesting happen last night on Game of Thrones? I only ask because WWE had their own version of the Red Wedding at WrestleMania 30 with Undertaker playing the part of…well, anyone named Stark and Lesnar was the arrows and knives.

Before I get started full on there are two things I need to get out of the way:

1. This is not going to be in any order. My brain will jump around as it wants to. I don’t question the madness and neither should you.

2. I have no problem whatsoever with Brock Lesnar beating The Undertaker.

Now let me explain #2 to a greater degree. I have maintained for a year or two that a match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania should be used to elevate young talent. Not by them beating him, but by having a great match with him. Lesnar losing last night and even HHH’s third go-round last year with Taker gained them nothing. They were already made men. That is why I thought Lesnar was being wasted at this year’s show by having a match with Taker that he could not win.

Shows how much I know.

With Lesnar’s win last night, this cements his place in wrestling history. Like forever.

FOR-EV-ER

Giving a young guy the win over Taker makes no sense. You can not predict the future of the business. Maybe you give Roman Reigns the win and he becomes “the man who breaks The Streak”. What happens if two years down the road he becomes an afterthought like Bobby Lashley, MVP or Kennedy, who were all thought to be future faces of the company? You have just squandered The Streak for nothing.

With HBK retired and HHH going 0-3, this leaves only two viable options on the roster that should end The Streak: Brock Lesnar and John Cena.

These men are like Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24; they are the only ones that can shoulder the load of being the one who ended something legendary. When you get down to these two it becomes clear that Lesnar should be that guy. People either love him or hate him (and to Brock’s credit, he couldn’t give two shits about it), now that he has ended The Streak, wrestling fans can throw their complete hatred and ire towards him and guess what? He is fine with it.

But why can’t Cena be the guy?

Simple. He is the face of the WWE, whether we who hate him would like to admit. He is a decade-long brand and if he broke The Streak, that would very seriously threaten to take away the fans that have stayed true to him for ten years. Why would you even chance that? We keep waiting for this magical heel turn to make things right, but let’s come to the realization that it will not happen.

That only leaves Brock.

And here is the thing most people are forgetting; the only man that can ever really beat The Streak is The Undertaker. I am certain this was his call. If he chose the guy and he chose the place, then accept it and don’t forget that he wanted to end The Streak to Mark Henry at WrestleMania 22…so there is that big ass silver lining.

And now for something completely different.

Where The Undertaker losing felt like a funeral, the show ended as it should have with 75,000 people chanting “YES” as Daniel Bryan won the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And guess what? Both of his matches were great (as usual). How weird is it to have a champion that night in, night out will give you great matches whether it is on Raw, Smackdown or a PPV? Punk did that for the most part, but even he grew complacent and hum drum during his historic reign.

HHH showed a lot last night proving that he can still go with the young guys, which I kind of questioned after his past two matches with Taker. His match with Bryan went 25 minutes and it didn’t feel like it. Their styles meshed well together and the finish was super hot with HHH’s post-match beatdown of Bryan.

The main event was a masterstroke by WWE and all the guys involved. Batista, Orton and Bryan worked their asses off and brought the crowd back from the dead (too soon?) and had them in the palm of their hands during the last ⅓ of the match. The false finishes worked well especially with the HHH involvement and the short-lived Evolution comeback.

Side note: I don’t think there is enough Icy Hot on Earth to help Orton’s back after landing on that monitor.

Bryan holding both belts as the crowd lost their shit is that reason why we watch wrestling. That will stand next to Hogan slamming Andre, Warrior beating Hogan, Stone Cold passing out to Bret, all the Rock/Austin matches and all the other WrestleMania moments that are carved in our memory.

Bray Wyatt proved he will be a main guy for a looong time.

Not just because of that A-MAZ-ING entrance, but showing that he belonged in a big time match with Cena. Yes, Cena won. I know, I know. I oddly don’t have a problem with this because Bray gained a lot just from the feud and the match. And the spot where the fans sang while Bray conducted them…so great. We already know the type of match he can have with Daniel Bryan after their show-stealing performance at the Royal Rumble and now we know he can make a feud with Cena entertaining. Add this to his promos already being the best in the business and I will be following the buzzards for as long as they let me.

I am running long so I will hit a few quick points:

-The Shield did not break up (as I predicted). I kind of wished they had after only having a four minute match with Kane and the Outlaws. I know there is going to be one throwaway match on the card but how can the Divas be given ten minutes and the tag titles be on the pre-show and this be given so little time?

-Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Battle Royal was absolutely the right decision. Big Show is already…well, Big Show. Cesaro is one of those guys that looks to be one of a few in a generation, like Bryan or Wyatt, that you hang your hat on to be one of the next big things. How big can the Cesaro Section get? We are about to find out.

-The only reason I am even mentioning the Divas match is because AJ retained her title which is one of the two outcomes I wanted. The other? #Emmalution

Good point brought up last night by a friend: What if they are keeping the title on AJ to go past CM Punk’s 434 days as champion as a “f*** you” by having his girlfriend keep her title longer.

-The opening with Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock was better than all of last year’s WrestleMania. The night was going to be historic and that just set the tone.

Here are my Top 5 moments from WrestleMania 30:

1. Daniel Bryan leading 75,000 people in a “YES” chant as champion.

2. Brock Lesnar defeating The Undertaker.

3. The massive boner-iffic opening for wrestling fans with Hogan, Austin and Rock.

4. Cesaro throwing Big Show over the top rope and winning the battle royal

5. My reaction the Lesnar winning which consisted of my hands on my mouth letting out a muffled “Holy Shit” like Kenny from South Park.

And we still have tonight’s Raw!

April 7, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Predictions

WrestleMania celebrates 30 year of being the “showcase of the immortals”. To look back at WrestleMania every ten years is to see a template of where the WWE was heading for the next decade. WrestleMania 1 featured Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant and Junkyard Dog all in big matches. Wrestlemania X has Bret Hart winning the WWF title as well as Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in their first classic ladder match. Wreslemania XX saw John Cena win his first singles title, Eddie Guerrero keep his WWE title against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit (yeah, I said it) realize his dream.

Now we are here at WrestleMania 30. WWE has put together a good card on paper. Let’s hope it can deliver come Sunday. It has some stiff competition against the previous anniversary editions.

Here are my picks for this Sunday. Please leave your picks in the comments below or just tell me how wrong I am.

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Rybaxel (WWE Tag Team Championship)

I know that one match had to make the pre-show and when it was announced it was this one, I felt for the guys involved. Most of the time when you get a four-way tag match it surprises you with how good it is. I think this will be the case here. You have two high-flying teams and two power teams (and Curtis Axel). That is the makings of a fun match. Cesaro should have his moments and that damn midget bull will headbutt someone in the ass, but I am picking The Usos to retain.

The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This choice is a toss-up with 30 guys involved. There are only 27 superstars announced and WWE.com pointing this out tells me there will be three surprise entrants like RVD, etc. Easy choice would be Big Show, but after Monday I think it is almost too obvious. I will just do the spin the globe and pick a name.

Dolph Ziggler

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

14 Divas in one ring at one time. Elimination match? Hell no, this sumbitch is one-fall. Get ready for something bad. Really bad. It pains me that the only reason this is on the show and not the tag match is to promote Total Divas which is like Real Houswives, only with more vapid and less likable women. I love me some AJ and she is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time, but the end looks near.

Naomi

The Shield vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws

This is the match that I am calling the swerve on. People have bought into The Shield’s face turn in a big way over the past month and it will pay off here. I think Rollins and Ambrose turn on Reigns and join The Authority. The Shield keeps going as heels and Reigns gets the singles push WWE has been planning.

Kane and The New Age Outlaws

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

This is actually the hardest match of the night to call. Cena getting the upper hand last Monday would tell us Wyatt may be going over, but this is John Cena. He is working a lower card match than he is used to at WrestleMania and even though Wyatt has carried this program, Cena gets the win. The feud doesn’t end here though.

John Cena

Daniel Bryan vs. HHH (winner gets main event spot)

I want these two guys to show the intensity that they had at the end of last Monday’s Raw. HHH, even if it is sometimes monotonous, shows up for WrestleMania and it helps that he is wrestling Daniel Bryan, the only other wrestler besides HBK that could get a broomstick over in a match. We could see some kind of screwy finish where HHH wins, but Bryan gets in the main event anyway. I will just say that Bryan wins clean because I overthink everything and that was my first pick.

Daniel Bryan

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Should I really even make a prediction here? This match is a decade too late. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to see it and I think these two guys can steal the show, but the lead-in has been weak with us having no belief at all that Lesnar will break “The Streak”. Taker winning at WrestleMania is a tradition…not all traditions are good though. If he is going to keep wrestling one match a year, make it be against young guys that get something out of losing to Taker.

Undertaker

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. winner of Bryan/HHH match (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

When this match starts, no matter if HHH or Daniel Bryan is in it, we should all wipe our brows and say “Whew”. Why? Because as much as we piss and moan about the booking, at least WWE recognized that Randy Orton vs. Batista was not the match people wanted to see and instead of planting their feet like a child and saying “NO” they are changing things up. I picked Daniel Bryan to beat HHH and I am picking him here to end the show with a big ending. I think HHH tries to interfere but to no avail. Fireworks and a ton of “YES, YES, YES” chants.

Daniel Bryan

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 30, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.

It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.

I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.

Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.

There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.

Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?

The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.

The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.

I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.

The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.

Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!

I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.

Sorry about “that”.

Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.

Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.

“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”

Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.

That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.

Till next week!

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 24, 2014

I am hoping that is Cena’s reaction every week after watching himself on Total Divas.

Horrible reality shows aside, how good has the Cena/Wyatt setup been? I am leaning towards “pretty damn good”. Wanna know why? Because for the first time in…well…ever Cena looks vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, Cena has been beaten down before a PPV and did his “against all odds” shit that made people sick of Hogan after a decade, but this go round seems different. The Wyatts have gotten into his head, even doing the whole “there is someone watching me in the mirror” paranoia bit that we all love.

Normally, Cena winning would get on my nerves. You would figure after ten years I would have this worked out in my head, but I am a wrestling fan so…logic…there isn’t any. I don’t mind here. He has been made to be more than the five-knuckle oaf that always gets the one-up. The Wyatts have an answer for him week after week so when he does win at WrestleMania, it will actually mean something.

Surprise! Who would have thought the match of the night would have been Luke Harper and Cena’s match?

If last night’s match proved anything, it showed that there is so much talent on the WWE roster that is hiding in plain sight.

For a Raw that had some good matches on it, the Taker/Lesnar ending felt like a letdown. The reason why Taker’s casket thing doesn’t do much for me anymore is because I am not 11 years old. It is not even nostalgia anymore. We know he won’t be in there then after it is closed he makes his way through the “Katie Vick Memorial Trapdoor” and appear.

Props to Lesnar for getting thrown over the casket because that didn’t work out so well for HBK when he did it.

One of the things a friend of mine pointed out on his Twitter is that Taker is being set-up to lose at Mania. He gets the upper hand on every random appearance he makes.

But here is the thing…he is NOT going to lose.

There is no win for Lesnar in this. He (and by extent, Heyman) do not get the better of Taker at all before WrestleMania and then get to lose to him also. If we have come to the point in Taker’s career that a match with him at Mania means that you should be grateful for even being involved, then maybe The Streak, or the Taker character itself, should end.

Either that or stop putting big names against him and use it as career-boosting matches for young guys like Reigns, Ziggler or Wyatt who still get something out of a loss.

Arnold was a busy bee last night. He had an in-ring segment with Hogan and man-god Joe Manganiello that was great in three ways:

1. Arnold got the proper cheers and “Arnold” chants from the Brooklyn crowd.

2. The Miz is heel again!!

3. Joe Manganiello.

Then he was on Jimmy Fallon, who used an entire comedy segment to get him to say “get to the choppa” and it was totally worth it.

How over have The Shield gotten in just a few weeks? Damn.

They are now set to take on Kane and the New Age Outlaws in a six-man tag at Mania. They should be given raises just for getting the Outlaws on the card. I feel like The Shield love will come to an end very quickly though.

I am calling it here: Ambrose and Rollins will turn on Reigns during the match.

It sets itself up too perfectly. You have The Shield split you have been teasing, Reigns becomes the big face, Ambrose and Rollins can keep The Shield going inside The Authority, all is well.

We finally figured out what the WrestleMania pre-show match would be when Rybaxel was given a tag title shot against The Usos for helping out Kane on last week’s Smackdown. Way to show faith in the tag-team division that has carried Raw on its back for the past year.

It finally looks like AJ’s reign as Divas champ is over with her taking on every Diva on the roster at Mania. Did it surprise anyone else how many Divas there actually were on the roster when Vicki began naming them off? It is looking like a Naomi or Tamina victory for a new champ and less AJ on the air…(sigh).

Of course, they could have Emma win and I will get to do my Emma dance live the week after Mania on Raw.

With the “Vicki Guererro Invitational” (which sounds like a lesbian golf tournament) and the “Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal”, this is officially the most namiest WrestleMania ever.

Next will be the “Kronik Waste An Opportunity Match” and the “Joe Manganiello Inadvertent Hard-On Segment” (just me?).

I am glad they had a Fatal Four-Way match last night with Christian, Sheamus, Del Rio and Ziggler. It is one of those rare moments where the writers seems to have their heads on their necks and not in someone else’s ass. It continues two feuds and makes the Intercontinental title more important by having these guys fight to see who will face Big E.

Except for the fact that the title match will not be at Mania, you know, where titles should be defended, but on Main Event tonight.

One step forward, two Del Rio rope trips back.

I could talk about HHH, but that would just say that he had anything of worth on last night’s show. He didn’t. He has those weekly interview segments with Cole every week on WWE.com, why on Joe Manganiello’s green Earth would I want to watch it on Raw?

WWE announced that Scott Hall would be inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. This is well deserved and another home run for this year’s class.

WrestleMania is only two weeks away and it is pretty much set. Here is the card:

-Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. ? for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

-The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

– HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (whoever wins is in the main event)

-John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

-The Shield vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws

-Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

-The Usos vs. Rybaxel for the WWE Tag Team Titles

-Vicki Guererro Invitational

I have to hand it to WWE, they have a good card going for them, but I hope it doesn’t go south quickly like WrestleMania 26.

Till next week!

March 25, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 17, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

“Because when I beat Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania, the triple threat match will be Batista vs. Randy Orton vs…me.”

And just like that the main event at WrestleMania scares the shit out of us again.

Yep, we all knew HHH would some way get into all this world title brouhaha like a child that sees something he wants in another kids hand.

Mine! Mine!

I really don’t think we are headed in that direction. This is, most likely, a move to make Bryan’s match with HHH mean more. Because, after last week, when it was announced that Bryan would be in the main event if he beat the COO, it has been thought of as a certainty he is getting there. At least with this new stipulation it adds a bit of doubt into people’s minds.

Side Note: Stephanie McMahon’s fingers are rather bony. I imagine hand jobs from her are a painful affair like the Wicked Witch of the West handling your johnson.

Week after week I am looking forward to the Cena/Wyatt match. Last night was another stellar mic performance as Wyatt was decked out in Cena’s attire talking about his “plastic girlfriend”. I know I say it week after week, but there is no one that can touch him promo-wise right now. The character would fail in anyone else’s hands. It does worry me a bit that, since they are making this all about Cena’s “legacy”, it is almost a guarantee he will be getting the win.

Right now in Wyatt’s career maybe a good showing against Cena is all he needs.

My brain is scattershot this morning (like every morning), so now I will bring up the opening of the show. This was the first interaction between Batista and Randy Orton I have enjoyed since Capt. Skinnyjeans McNavaltattoo came back. HHH being in the mix helped and I can’t deny it is fun having Evolution in the ring a decade later.

Promos are always better when “real life” is mentioned. Orton bringing up no one wanting Batista back or HHH saying he is tired of “Hollywood stars” coming back and thinking they know more about the business than him hit the mark. Anyone else think that was a tiny jab at The Rock?

After last week’s Smackdown it looked like The Shield were beginning a face turn with their attack on Kane. Well, we can file that under “The Shield are faces officially”. You bring in Jerry Lawler, the fan favorite, and have Kane tell them to attack him and things don’t go as planned.

Three cheers for The Shield as good guys!

Of course this throws a big ole monkey wrench in my idea for a triple threat Shield match at WrestleMania. A face turn could work…for a short time. The Shield is one of those groups that works better as heels. It is cool to like them because the fans aren’t supposed to.

I am thinking this could be a short term bit with Ambrose and Rollins turning on Reigns or some kind of variation of that.

The Real Americans have gone from imploding to beating the tag champs in one week. That is some TNA quick-moving shit. Guessing this takes them to a title match before or at WrestleMania where they will lose and do the whole break-up thing where they awkwardly see each other in the hallways and try not to make eye contact before things simmer down and they open a small dialogue of “hey’s” and “how’s it going’s” before having intense make-up sex in a janitor’s closet only to break it off again a few weeks later.

Or maybe that was Scrubs.

Who’s that? That is the kid (man) that played Walt on Lost. Da fuuuuuuuuuq?

I began to wonder if the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal would get put on the WrestleMania pre-show, but with the names filling out the roster there is no way of that happening. Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show, Christian, Mark Henry just to name a few will be in it so I am calling this as a mid-show breather between big matches.

A Goldust/Fandango match normally wouldn’t be news, but did anyone else notice the look of death Goldy gave to Fandango after the match. It looked like he hurt himself right before the finish and did not like how the ending went down. Cody had to actively calm him down in the ring…and Goldust won the match. I would not want to be Fandango when he got backstage.

It looks like AJ’s run as champion is coming to an end soon. Naomi is back from her eye injury with a bedazzled eye patch looking like one of Jean-Pierre Lafitte’s bar wenches. She beat AJ last night then AJ took out her frustrations on Tamina who wasn’t having it.

Anyone else notice how AJ’s push, or TV time even, has gone way down since Punk left. You wouldn’t think WWE would hold grudges just because she is dating him…right?

As we move closer to WrestleMania, does anyone else have growing concerns on if the WWE Network can handle the server load? It has been working fine for me after the first few days of hiccups, but there has not really been an event the size of Mania watched live by millions of people.

Let’s hope this doesn’t become a Halloween Havok moment where the show cuts out during the main event. I don’t think Goldberg or DDP would like that.

For me and mine, we will be having a party and watching on an Xbox 360, yet I will be bringing my PS3 as a backup in case there are problems with the 360 in some way. Still, if there are server issues, it won’t matter what system we have.

What are we going to do? Talk to each other?

Till next week!

March 18, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 10, 2014

SWEET BABY BEARDED JESUS, THEY DID IT.

WWE took a hold of the Daniel Bryan train and pointed that son of a bitch right at the main event of WrestleMania.

With Mania being only four weeks away, I am sure I was not the only one thinking that Bryan would be facing HHH and they would stick to their guns and have Orton and Batista get booed out of the building.

Someone realized that by staying the course, WrestleMania would have been the biggest shit taken on New Orleans since Katrina. Whoever that someone is…thank you. If you will email me and tell me who you are I will buy you a very nice seafood dinner.

Of course, the WWE could have been trolling us the entire time and they are doing Chris Cooper’s maniacal laugh from The Muppets at what fools all of us “internet” fans are. I could not give less of a shit. We got what we wanted for WrestleMania.

Now don’t think I am saying Bryan is automatically winning the title. I could see Batista winning just as easily, setting him up as the main heel of the company. But this is also not a normal WrestleMania either. It is WrestleMania 30. It is like a big anniversary for your parents and you want it to end with them hugging and kissing while the family “awes”, not with your mother calling your dad a drunken loser and your dad saying he bang his secretary ten years ago.

We also officially got Cena vs. Wyatt set for Mania last night. Now we just play the waiting game of Wyatt bitch slapping Cena for four weeks on the mic then have Cena overcome all the odds…blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different decade.

This could be a star-making, career-defining moment if they let Wyatt go over, but I think we all know better than that. It is like going to the dog track and betting all of your money on a chihuahua when he is racing against Clifford the Big Red Dog and getting pissed when he loses.

The Undertaker graced us with his nine minute entrance and thirty second promo. It’s all cool, cause Uncle Paul was there to carry the load. I loved how he compared Taker’s streak against the other greats who have come nowhere close. Whenever I hear Heyman on the mic selling the hell out of a match between a guy that only wrestles once a year and another guy who is not even there, it makes me wonder how much better the past five years could have been if he had been with the WWE full-time.

Hell, he probably could have gotten Ryback a world title if he had been his voice the entire time. As frightening as that sounds, that’s how good Heyman is.

The rest of Raw was used for a slow burn of feuds we hope pay off at Mania. The Shield had another great match with The Rhodes Brothers, who took time away from playing with WWE Lego’s in the back to give The Shield their win back from last year. With only four weeks left, they are going to have to start making that crack they keep talking about into a full-blown explosion.

Unless…they have decided to keep The Shield together past WrestleMania, which is juuuust fine with me.

BROTHER, BROTHER! WWE UNIVERSE! WWE NETWORK! CHRIS LEMMON! BROTHER!

OK, I do like the idea of the Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal. It gets a lot of guys who would be in the back eating catering on the card and pays respect to the legacy of Andre. Anyone else thinking a Big Show win?

Sheamus and Christian wrestled…again…again. I applaud these two for working hard the past few weeks even when no one in the crowd seemed to care. That wasn’t the case last night. Their Memphis Street Fight was damn fun to watch. Christian went a little 12 Years a Slave on Sheamus’ back with that kendo stick. Doesn’t help he is basically a six foot five inch bottle of Elmer’s glue either.

How about that Brogue Kick through the bass drum?

If you did not watch the match last night, that sentence made it sound like I just jumbled words together like the little magnets on the refrigerator.

Once again, Cesaro has become an afterthought on Raw after his match with Cena last month. Seems like I predicted that would happen, but I won’t get a dickish and say it…wait.

He and Swagger are headed for splitsville and will be lucky to have a match against each other on the Mania card. I swear they better not pre-show Cesaro. You did so much right last night WWE. Don’t cock it up.

Here is the updated card for WrestleMania 30 after last night:

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. (Daniel Bryan?) for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (if Bryan wins he is in the main event)

Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal

Till next week!

If Helen Mirren twerking did not make your day, I can’t help you.

March 11, 2014