Tag: Brock Lesnar

WrestleMania 31 Recap- Brock Lesnar Is The Greatest Thing Ever

With a pre-show like this, why not make WrestleMania five hours?

The tag match was seven guys going balls out in the ring. I expected nothing going in, but got a Tower of Doom, slingshot backstabber off the top rope and a midget getting put in the Sharpshooter. Too bad half the stadium was still outside getting in line to see it. Cesaro gets a second Mania win. Things can’t be all bad.

“Big Show has never won a battle royal.” With that said halfway through the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, I knew the outcome. It wasn’t the fact they said it once, it was that they continued to say it. The Mizdow split from Miz got the reaction you expected even though it made Sandow looked like a fool. Why don’t you work with Miz to eliminate Big Show, then turn? Logic, I know. The actual match had its moments. Show eliminating New Day was fun and should have put a “return to sender” sticker on them. Turn them heel, already. Ryback got in his offense. In the end, Show winning isn’t bad. Just…there.

And Axelmania is still running wild.

Seven guys, twenty ladders and be careful with Daniel Bryan.

A story released last week that the WWE is concerned about Daniel Bryan’s health so that is why he has been out of the main event picture. And if we have listened to CM Punk’s interview with Colt Cabana, the logic of putting Bryan in a ladder match makes complete “WWE sense”. I will say I was right in calling that this would open the show and that Bryan would win to get the crowd in a good mood. All of them worked their asses off. Dean Ambrose may actually have new personality from now on because I am pretty sure he had a major concussion after going through that ladder.

The ending with Bryan and Ziggler basically doing “bro you headbutt me and I’ll headbutt you, first guy to die loses” was so, so great. We know they are headed for a program and this was a great way to get some Ziggler resentment started after he beat Bryan twice in a row.

It’s ok, Seth. Things will get better.

Like I said in predictions, Orton was due this one. He lost the title last year, lost at 29 and 28. Throw him a bone. What felt off about this was that it felt like a long Raw match, not a WrestleMania-type match. I blame that on WWE and the squandering of the story over the past month. The thing that IS a WrestleMania moment is this:

Sorry, Evan Bourne. You are now officially erased from WWE memory. What we had to hold onto was your Shooting Star Press into an RKO, but now this has taken over that spot. I love it because it shows forethought by Orton’s character. He know what Rollins finishing move is, when he sees it coming use your weight to launch him. As I said before…logic. You don’t find it in wrestling often, but when it shows up it is like a ice cold drink on a hot day.

This is the most overbooked, Vince Russo finish in WrestleMania history…and I loved every fucking minute of it.

Let’s me be up front; the match itself before all the shenanigans was actually good. Both HHH and Sting went out there and showed there is a reason they had long runs on top. I especially loved the HHH knee that Sting no-sold and then beat his chest. The 1997 in me got excited again.

When the clusterfuck started happening it was the clusterfuckiest clusterfuck ever clusterfucked. DX comes out to save HHH. nWo comes out to help Sting (don’t think about them being friends with HHH or the fact Sting spent time trying to destroy them), Shawn Michaels comes out and hits Sting with Sweet Chin Music.

Jesus H. Christ, if ever there was a time for Buff Bagwell to take time off from being a gigolo and come back, THIS WAS IT!

People may be upset that Sting did the job. He was going to do the job anyway if he faced Taker, so he was destined to start (finish?) WWE 0-1. Maybe this was HHH’s way of getting his win back from Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania 12.

And there is no forgetting this…ever.

#Wasthisenoughofachance?

The problem with Divas matches at WrestleMania is that all the matches are big so there is no real place to put the match and be fair. After the Orton/Rollins match seemed like the best place, but WWE isn’t psychic. For all they know those two could have tore the house down and the Divas match would have still been fucked. Instead, it goes on after the biggest match in WrestleMania history, star power wise.

The match itself was pretty good. I thought Paige and Nikki’s match from last week’s Raw was better. I am all for long Divas matches. Just give them the same courtesy you give your other big stars and let them hit every finisher in the book multiple times and get the crowd on their feet.

Here is hoping next year’s Mania has AJ, Paige, Charlotte and Sasha Banks involved. Perchance to dream.

Riding on a tank > plastic Terminator suit

Look at that. Bask in it. How glorious is that? I swear if Rusev came out on that tank and then BEAT CENA, I would have changed my profile pic on every social media site to Putin riding a horse shirtless and proclaimed my love for Mother Russia. I would have bought Yakov Smirnoff t-shirts.

The problem I had was not with the match, or with Cena winning. It was that the ending had no drama. One AA and a three count. No kick out with Cena questioning what will it take to beat this undefeated behemoth. Just another Cena ending like we have seen over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Hi, I’m The Rock and I am here to help fill twenty minutes so the sun can go down more.

Here is my problem; HHH just had a big match with Sting an hour earlier. People have waited fourteen years to see Sting and HHH can’t even sell any effect of the match because he is back in the ring in suit and tie to set up next year’s Mania with The Rock. This is the part of his character I do not like. Be a wrestler, fine. Be a suit, fine. If you are going to do both at least give them both the attention they deserve.

As far as The Rock goes, he is always there to give time where WWE needs. This time he had some backup with Ronda Rousey coming from the front row to hip toss HHH and put her hands on Stephanie which is what happens in one of my fan fictions that I haven’t written, but think about a lot. A whole lot.

One healthy looking deadman

What a difference a year can make. Undertaker looked sickly at WrestleMania 30 and that was before he got a concussion five minutes into the match. This year he showed up looking like what we have grown used to over the past six or seven years. I still maintain that he should have lost last year because of the good it did for Brock, Now we see the good it did for Undertaker. People cared about his WrestleMania matches again. There was no certainty that he would win. When he pinned Bray Wyatt the crowd gave a real pop because their hero had returned to form.

Bray loses nothing with the loss. It is not like last year where the push-killer John Cena worked his magic. Where they go with Wyatt from here is important. He carried the builup to WrestleMania. He needs somewhere good to go from here.

Brock Fucking Lesnar

I will get to the ending, but I need to say this first. Brock is the best. Just the fucking best. To everyone that complains about his part-time schedule and that he is a waste. Go fuck yourself. He is worth every dollar he is paid and ten times over. A man that can eviscerate anyone and you still can’t look away. Even his facial expressions when he started to realize Roman might actually beat him was great. He may not have started out in this industry as a wrestling lover and he may not love it now, but he will go down as one of the greatest to ever be. Get used to it. Suplex city, bitch.

I thought someone from NXT booked the match because it made complete sense. Brock went all Summerslam on Roman for 15 minutes basically beating his ass seven ways to Sunday and had fun doing it. Roman showed he can be dominated and still come back and be a threat to win. He may not be ready now in many eyes (mine too) though I will admit last night showed he is really close.

That ending. If you thought your fantasy ending that you talked about with your friends was stolen last night, join the group. It was the best ending available besides Brock hitting Roman with five F5’s and pinning him in four minutes. Brock doesn’t take a loss and has a beef with Rollins. Reigns had his dream stolen from Rollins when he was so close to beating the unbeatable and he has a beef with Rollins already from The Shield breakup and now Rollins has fucked his dream like they were inmates on Oz.

Rollins is the man who in five years has gone from ROH champion to NXT champion to WWE World Heavyweight to close WrestleMania. He is the type of champion that is very beatable yet should keep the title for a long time because he can weasel his way to victories every month. Not to mention he is the new Shawn Michaels and can wrestle a broomstick and make it look good.

Don’t fuck it up, WWE. (Their going to fuck it up aren’t they?)

March 31, 2015
WrestleMania 31 Predictions

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This match is a big deal. Cesaro won it last year with full fan support and it launched his career into….yeah. Ok, that is the writers fault, but you see where I am going with this. There are those who should win because of the exposure and big moment it will give them. Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel come to mind. There are those that had big pushes and this would keep that going. Ryback comes to mind. Then, there are those who don’t need to win this match, but will because it is what the WWE does. That will be your winner.

Winner- Sheamus returns and fellas everywhere. A great, big Irish “meh” follows.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Say what you will, I have enjoyed the rotating IC title theft stuff. Oh no, it makes the title actually have time on Raw and look like superstars want to win it. God forbid. Talent wise, this match is ridiculous. Six of the best workers in WWE and that is not a slight to R-Truth. He is no slouch, either. Ziggler and Bryan are the favorites since it looks like they are headed for a feud. Ambrose will do four or more slingshot clotheslines, Harper will hit Swamp Chin Music and Stardust will be there even though he should have a singles match with Goldust. Bryan winning will put the crowd in a good mood since I think this will open the show.

Winner- Daniel Bryan has another Wrestlemania moment, albeit smaller than last years.

AJ & Paige vs. The Bellas

I really wish this was a fatal four-way for the title. It seems like every WrestleMania we always get a Divas tag or a battle royal with no real emphasis on the championship. The way you make fans start caring is to show that you do too. Paige and AJ should get the win, but I am going with Bryan’s other half and Cena’s better half.

Winner- The Bellas let us know we can look, but can’t touch.

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

Talk about a match that should feel way bigger. Orton was gone for months selling the ousting* by The Authority due to a few Curb Stomps by Rollins.

*filming a movie

WWE waited to build this by wasting a few weeks of Orton rejoining The Authority which made fans go a bit tepid even though they knew where it was headed. Orton is 4-7 at WrestleMania’s so a win here would be good and make up for him losing to Kane at WrestleMania 28, which I still shake my head at. Rollins loses nothing by the loss since he still is a threat with the Money in the Bank contract.

Winner- Randy Orton punches the ring and hits a Diamond Cutter.

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

If we were going by selling a feud, Bray Wyatt should be the second man to beat Taker. Despite a few hokey turns, Wyatt has gone above and beyond on the mic which has to be the hardest thing to do week after week when you have an opponent that has not been seen in a year. I still think Brock winning last year was the right call which means that this year Bray is set to lose at Mania again to a big name. Unlike last year, losing to Taker will not be a push killer. Only Cena can pull that off.

Winner- Undertaker makes up for last year (concussion, I know) and gets back in the win column.

John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship

America, fuck yeah. Coming along to save the mother fucking dayeeeyeah. That should be the only sentence. How great would it be for Rusev if he beat Cena? His winning streak would be validated more than ever and it would bring the OMG moment of the night. Sure, he can lose to Cena at Extreme Rules, but no one cares about that years from now. They will remember him beating Cena at WrestleMania.

Like I said, how great would that be?

Winner- John Cena shows Rusev that freedom cost a buck o’ five.

Sting vs. HHH

This is the right match for Sting for his first, hopefully not last, match in WWE. We all want him to face Undertaker, but HHH can work with anyone. Both guys are up there in age, yet the big stage is where they thrive. I expect a slow start that builds to a great final few minutes. I hope they don’t overplay the whole “bat vs. sledgehammer” thing because it makes HHH look like a moron (even by wrestling story standards).

Winner- Sting kicks out of a pedigree, beats his chest, Stinger Splash, Scorpion Death Drop. 1,2,3.

Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

The match that people (including me) have crapped on since the Royal Rumble turns out to be the most unpredictable WrestleMania main event in a while. Brock’s announcement of his re-signing is the best thing WWE could have hoped for. The match has a variety of possibilities opened up now. Will WWE have Reigns win clean? No, that would be damaging to what they have spent the past year doing with Brock’s buildup. Will Brock win clean? Quite possibly. It would only help further his place as an unbeatable monster and help whoever eventually beats him (even Reigns later on). My thinking is that we get a Paul Heyman betrayal and double-turn. Embrace the boos for Reigns and pair him with Heyman who can bring the voice Roman is still lacking. Brock gets a rematch at Summerslam as a face and becomes even bigger than he is now. Hard to imagine, but I think it could happen.

Winner- Roman Reigns woooahhhhs his way to a win, with Heyman’s help.*

*I picked this, yet I do not want it. Full disclosure.

March 26, 2015
Money In The Bank 2014 Predictions

Hey, what do you know? A wrestling post. I know, I know. I am behind, but Money in the Bank is Sunday so I figured we would go through the card to see what will go down when all the lights are turned off and all the ladders have been broken.

Plus, there are only four matches announced so far, so this should be quick and relatively painless. Kind of like a sexual experience with me.

Let’s go!

1. Paige vs. Naomi for the Divas Championship

It is a sad thing to say that a Paige match is being used as the start of a Fuckadactyl (I meant to leave out the n) feud. Rumor is that Vince is not behind Paige because he doesn’t get her “look”. If by that he means he forgot what a woman with in-ring talent looks like, then he is right. This match will probably be given the spot of death right before the main event doing them no favors.

Winner: Paige when Cameron interferes and cost Naomi the match which makes the viewer believe Naomi can beat Paige, but we should never believe that. Ever.

2. The Usos vs. Eric Rowan and Luke Harper for the Tag Team Championships

With a card lacking matches this should be given plenty of time unlike the two quick singles matches on last week’s Raw. A Wyatt Family victory could bode well for Bray winning the MITB championship match and ending the night with a Wyatt sweep (which won’t happen, see later to see why). I would like to see a Clothesline from Smell (Copyright 2014- Matt Fowler) and a Wyatt win, but this looks like it will be another Jimmy superkick and Jey splash or Jey superkick and Jimmy splash finish. Who the hell knows, I can’t tell them apart.

Winner: The Usos by twinking finishing moves.

3. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. RVD vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match

After Raw I had three picks to win this match; Ambrose, Rollins or Barrett. Now it is down to two because thanks to the pot smoking clusterfuck that is Jack Swagger, Barrett was injured on Smackdown and may not even be in the match. RVD is there to make things look like they hurt, same for Ziggler. Swagger is there to bleed accidentally and hurt more people. And Kofi…I don’t know, affirmative action?

That leaves Rollins and Ambrose whose feud is one of the best things WWE has going. I am going with Rollins winning because it will help his character out better and I don’t think the WWE wants two faces winning both ladder matches (again, see next match).

Winner: Seth Rollins when he pulls a Damien Sandow from last year (match wise, not career wise, hopefully).

4. Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. Cesaro vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Kane vs. Roman Reigns in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match for the WWE Championship

I would love to wax poetic about the why’s and where’s, the who’s and what’s of this match. About how this should be an intriguing championship match with any number of winners. Cesaro proving Paul Heyman right when he says he is the greatest manager of all time, Bray Wyatt taking hold of the championship and the mind-bendingly good promos and matches that will come from it, Roman Reigns becoming the next “man” in the WWE.

But I don’t get to because it is almost guaranteed that Brock Lesnar is getting a title match next month at Summerslam against the winner of this match. That leaves two choices; Cesaro or John Cena. Cesaro winning would mean we get a match with the two biggest genetic freaks in the WWE and we would be left, mouths agape, at the strength shown.

Or…

WWE can give away the main event in a poster leak ruining any drama this ladder match would create.

Brock beating Cena will help matters because I am a huge Lesnar fan and Cena hater which is a great twofer if this is the Summerslam main event. It also means Cena would have his fifteenth (15!) championship run, one behind Ric Flair. Which also means we are one step closer to him passing Flair which will be the day I am done with wrestling after 30+ years.

June 27, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Recap

So anything interesting happen last night on Game of Thrones? I only ask because WWE had their own version of the Red Wedding at WrestleMania 30 with Undertaker playing the part of…well, anyone named Stark and Lesnar was the arrows and knives.

Before I get started full on there are two things I need to get out of the way:

1. This is not going to be in any order. My brain will jump around as it wants to. I don’t question the madness and neither should you.

2. I have no problem whatsoever with Brock Lesnar beating The Undertaker.

Now let me explain #2 to a greater degree. I have maintained for a year or two that a match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania should be used to elevate young talent. Not by them beating him, but by having a great match with him. Lesnar losing last night and even HHH’s third go-round last year with Taker gained them nothing. They were already made men. That is why I thought Lesnar was being wasted at this year’s show by having a match with Taker that he could not win.

Shows how much I know.

With Lesnar’s win last night, this cements his place in wrestling history. Like forever.

FOR-EV-ER

Giving a young guy the win over Taker makes no sense. You can not predict the future of the business. Maybe you give Roman Reigns the win and he becomes “the man who breaks The Streak”. What happens if two years down the road he becomes an afterthought like Bobby Lashley, MVP or Kennedy, who were all thought to be future faces of the company? You have just squandered The Streak for nothing.

With HBK retired and HHH going 0-3, this leaves only two viable options on the roster that should end The Streak: Brock Lesnar and John Cena.

These men are like Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24; they are the only ones that can shoulder the load of being the one who ended something legendary. When you get down to these two it becomes clear that Lesnar should be that guy. People either love him or hate him (and to Brock’s credit, he couldn’t give two shits about it), now that he has ended The Streak, wrestling fans can throw their complete hatred and ire towards him and guess what? He is fine with it.

But why can’t Cena be the guy?

Simple. He is the face of the WWE, whether we who hate him would like to admit. He is a decade-long brand and if he broke The Streak, that would very seriously threaten to take away the fans that have stayed true to him for ten years. Why would you even chance that? We keep waiting for this magical heel turn to make things right, but let’s come to the realization that it will not happen.

That only leaves Brock.

And here is the thing most people are forgetting; the only man that can ever really beat The Streak is The Undertaker. I am certain this was his call. If he chose the guy and he chose the place, then accept it and don’t forget that he wanted to end The Streak to Mark Henry at WrestleMania 22…so there is that big ass silver lining.

And now for something completely different.

Where The Undertaker losing felt like a funeral, the show ended as it should have with 75,000 people chanting “YES” as Daniel Bryan won the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And guess what? Both of his matches were great (as usual). How weird is it to have a champion that night in, night out will give you great matches whether it is on Raw, Smackdown or a PPV? Punk did that for the most part, but even he grew complacent and hum drum during his historic reign.

HHH showed a lot last night proving that he can still go with the young guys, which I kind of questioned after his past two matches with Taker. His match with Bryan went 25 minutes and it didn’t feel like it. Their styles meshed well together and the finish was super hot with HHH’s post-match beatdown of Bryan.

The main event was a masterstroke by WWE and all the guys involved. Batista, Orton and Bryan worked their asses off and brought the crowd back from the dead (too soon?) and had them in the palm of their hands during the last ⅓ of the match. The false finishes worked well especially with the HHH involvement and the short-lived Evolution comeback.

Side note: I don’t think there is enough Icy Hot on Earth to help Orton’s back after landing on that monitor.

Bryan holding both belts as the crowd lost their shit is that reason why we watch wrestling. That will stand next to Hogan slamming Andre, Warrior beating Hogan, Stone Cold passing out to Bret, all the Rock/Austin matches and all the other WrestleMania moments that are carved in our memory.

Bray Wyatt proved he will be a main guy for a looong time.

Not just because of that A-MAZ-ING entrance, but showing that he belonged in a big time match with Cena. Yes, Cena won. I know, I know. I oddly don’t have a problem with this because Bray gained a lot just from the feud and the match. And the spot where the fans sang while Bray conducted them…so great. We already know the type of match he can have with Daniel Bryan after their show-stealing performance at the Royal Rumble and now we know he can make a feud with Cena entertaining. Add this to his promos already being the best in the business and I will be following the buzzards for as long as they let me.

I am running long so I will hit a few quick points:

-The Shield did not break up (as I predicted). I kind of wished they had after only having a four minute match with Kane and the Outlaws. I know there is going to be one throwaway match on the card but how can the Divas be given ten minutes and the tag titles be on the pre-show and this be given so little time?

-Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Battle Royal was absolutely the right decision. Big Show is already…well, Big Show. Cesaro is one of those guys that looks to be one of a few in a generation, like Bryan or Wyatt, that you hang your hat on to be one of the next big things. How big can the Cesaro Section get? We are about to find out.

-The only reason I am even mentioning the Divas match is because AJ retained her title which is one of the two outcomes I wanted. The other? #Emmalution

Good point brought up last night by a friend: What if they are keeping the title on AJ to go past CM Punk’s 434 days as champion as a “f*** you” by having his girlfriend keep her title longer.

-The opening with Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock was better than all of last year’s WrestleMania. The night was going to be historic and that just set the tone.

Here are my Top 5 moments from WrestleMania 30:

1. Daniel Bryan leading 75,000 people in a “YES” chant as champion.

2. Brock Lesnar defeating The Undertaker.

3. The massive boner-iffic opening for wrestling fans with Hogan, Austin and Rock.

4. Cesaro throwing Big Show over the top rope and winning the battle royal

5. My reaction the Lesnar winning which consisted of my hands on my mouth letting out a muffled “Holy Shit” like Kenny from South Park.

And we still have tonight’s Raw!

April 7, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Predictions

WrestleMania celebrates 30 year of being the “showcase of the immortals”. To look back at WrestleMania every ten years is to see a template of where the WWE was heading for the next decade. WrestleMania 1 featured Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant and Junkyard Dog all in big matches. Wrestlemania X has Bret Hart winning the WWF title as well as Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in their first classic ladder match. Wreslemania XX saw John Cena win his first singles title, Eddie Guerrero keep his WWE title against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit (yeah, I said it) realize his dream.

Now we are here at WrestleMania 30. WWE has put together a good card on paper. Let’s hope it can deliver come Sunday. It has some stiff competition against the previous anniversary editions.

Here are my picks for this Sunday. Please leave your picks in the comments below or just tell me how wrong I am.

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Rybaxel (WWE Tag Team Championship)

I know that one match had to make the pre-show and when it was announced it was this one, I felt for the guys involved. Most of the time when you get a four-way tag match it surprises you with how good it is. I think this will be the case here. You have two high-flying teams and two power teams (and Curtis Axel). That is the makings of a fun match. Cesaro should have his moments and that damn midget bull will headbutt someone in the ass, but I am picking The Usos to retain.

The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This choice is a toss-up with 30 guys involved. There are only 27 superstars announced and WWE.com pointing this out tells me there will be three surprise entrants like RVD, etc. Easy choice would be Big Show, but after Monday I think it is almost too obvious. I will just do the spin the globe and pick a name.

Dolph Ziggler

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

14 Divas in one ring at one time. Elimination match? Hell no, this sumbitch is one-fall. Get ready for something bad. Really bad. It pains me that the only reason this is on the show and not the tag match is to promote Total Divas which is like Real Houswives, only with more vapid and less likable women. I love me some AJ and she is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time, but the end looks near.

Naomi

The Shield vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws

This is the match that I am calling the swerve on. People have bought into The Shield’s face turn in a big way over the past month and it will pay off here. I think Rollins and Ambrose turn on Reigns and join The Authority. The Shield keeps going as heels and Reigns gets the singles push WWE has been planning.

Kane and The New Age Outlaws

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

This is actually the hardest match of the night to call. Cena getting the upper hand last Monday would tell us Wyatt may be going over, but this is John Cena. He is working a lower card match than he is used to at WrestleMania and even though Wyatt has carried this program, Cena gets the win. The feud doesn’t end here though.

John Cena

Daniel Bryan vs. HHH (winner gets main event spot)

I want these two guys to show the intensity that they had at the end of last Monday’s Raw. HHH, even if it is sometimes monotonous, shows up for WrestleMania and it helps that he is wrestling Daniel Bryan, the only other wrestler besides HBK that could get a broomstick over in a match. We could see some kind of screwy finish where HHH wins, but Bryan gets in the main event anyway. I will just say that Bryan wins clean because I overthink everything and that was my first pick.

Daniel Bryan

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Should I really even make a prediction here? This match is a decade too late. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to see it and I think these two guys can steal the show, but the lead-in has been weak with us having no belief at all that Lesnar will break “The Streak”. Taker winning at WrestleMania is a tradition…not all traditions are good though. If he is going to keep wrestling one match a year, make it be against young guys that get something out of losing to Taker.

Undertaker

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. winner of Bryan/HHH match (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

When this match starts, no matter if HHH or Daniel Bryan is in it, we should all wipe our brows and say “Whew”. Why? Because as much as we piss and moan about the booking, at least WWE recognized that Randy Orton vs. Batista was not the match people wanted to see and instead of planting their feet like a child and saying “NO” they are changing things up. I picked Daniel Bryan to beat HHH and I am picking him here to end the show with a big ending. I think HHH tries to interfere but to no avail. Fireworks and a ton of “YES, YES, YES” chants.

Daniel Bryan

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 30, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.

It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.

I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.

Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.

There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.

Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?

The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.

The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.

I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.

The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.

Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!

I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.

Sorry about “that”.

Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.

Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.

“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”

Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.

That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.

Till next week!

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 10, 2014

SWEET BABY BEARDED JESUS, THEY DID IT.

WWE took a hold of the Daniel Bryan train and pointed that son of a bitch right at the main event of WrestleMania.

With Mania being only four weeks away, I am sure I was not the only one thinking that Bryan would be facing HHH and they would stick to their guns and have Orton and Batista get booed out of the building.

Someone realized that by staying the course, WrestleMania would have been the biggest shit taken on New Orleans since Katrina. Whoever that someone is…thank you. If you will email me and tell me who you are I will buy you a very nice seafood dinner.

Of course, the WWE could have been trolling us the entire time and they are doing Chris Cooper’s maniacal laugh from The Muppets at what fools all of us “internet” fans are. I could not give less of a shit. We got what we wanted for WrestleMania.

Now don’t think I am saying Bryan is automatically winning the title. I could see Batista winning just as easily, setting him up as the main heel of the company. But this is also not a normal WrestleMania either. It is WrestleMania 30. It is like a big anniversary for your parents and you want it to end with them hugging and kissing while the family “awes”, not with your mother calling your dad a drunken loser and your dad saying he bang his secretary ten years ago.

We also officially got Cena vs. Wyatt set for Mania last night. Now we just play the waiting game of Wyatt bitch slapping Cena for four weeks on the mic then have Cena overcome all the odds…blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different decade.

This could be a star-making, career-defining moment if they let Wyatt go over, but I think we all know better than that. It is like going to the dog track and betting all of your money on a chihuahua when he is racing against Clifford the Big Red Dog and getting pissed when he loses.

The Undertaker graced us with his nine minute entrance and thirty second promo. It’s all cool, cause Uncle Paul was there to carry the load. I loved how he compared Taker’s streak against the other greats who have come nowhere close. Whenever I hear Heyman on the mic selling the hell out of a match between a guy that only wrestles once a year and another guy who is not even there, it makes me wonder how much better the past five years could have been if he had been with the WWE full-time.

Hell, he probably could have gotten Ryback a world title if he had been his voice the entire time. As frightening as that sounds, that’s how good Heyman is.

The rest of Raw was used for a slow burn of feuds we hope pay off at Mania. The Shield had another great match with The Rhodes Brothers, who took time away from playing with WWE Lego’s in the back to give The Shield their win back from last year. With only four weeks left, they are going to have to start making that crack they keep talking about into a full-blown explosion.

Unless…they have decided to keep The Shield together past WrestleMania, which is juuuust fine with me.

BROTHER, BROTHER! WWE UNIVERSE! WWE NETWORK! CHRIS LEMMON! BROTHER!

OK, I do like the idea of the Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal. It gets a lot of guys who would be in the back eating catering on the card and pays respect to the legacy of Andre. Anyone else thinking a Big Show win?

Sheamus and Christian wrestled…again…again. I applaud these two for working hard the past few weeks even when no one in the crowd seemed to care. That wasn’t the case last night. Their Memphis Street Fight was damn fun to watch. Christian went a little 12 Years a Slave on Sheamus’ back with that kendo stick. Doesn’t help he is basically a six foot five inch bottle of Elmer’s glue either.

How about that Brogue Kick through the bass drum?

If you did not watch the match last night, that sentence made it sound like I just jumbled words together like the little magnets on the refrigerator.

Once again, Cesaro has become an afterthought on Raw after his match with Cena last month. Seems like I predicted that would happen, but I won’t get a dickish and say it…wait.

He and Swagger are headed for splitsville and will be lucky to have a match against each other on the Mania card. I swear they better not pre-show Cesaro. You did so much right last night WWE. Don’t cock it up.

Here is the updated card for WrestleMania 30 after last night:

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. (Daniel Bryan?) for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (if Bryan wins he is in the main event)

Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal

Till next week!

If Helen Mirren twerking did not make your day, I can’t help you.

March 11, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap March 3, 2014

Raw was in Chicago last night. The big show they were dreading and the one everyone of us was looking forward to the most.

Rumors broke a few days ago that CM Punk could possibly be returning to a hero’s welcome. Well in the realm of “shit that didn’t happen” that rumor reigned as king last night.

Yep, Punk was a no show.

OK, so Punk is still at home sulking and getting ready for his @midnight appearance. It was all good because WWE put on a really good show and even managed to use the whole “Highjack Raw” for their favor when they sent out Daniel Bryan to acknowledge it and use it to his advantage.

Trolling in its highest form. Bravo, WWE.

Raw managed to move forward a lot of its storylines last night despite the loud Chicago crowd. Let’s be clear, the crowd was insanely loud and chanted “CM Punk” most of the night as we knew they would, but it did not feel like the post-WrestleMania Jersey crowd that created absolute magic.

Bryan faced Batista and even slowing down his pace, Big Dave looked winded after about five minutes. This may be reason enough to put a third man in the main event of Mania. How good a match can he have with Orton if he is pulling a Warrior and getting blown up on his way to the ring?

It does look like it will be HHH and Bryan after last night. I still think WWE was holding out a few weeks to see if they could salvage something out of Punk, but now they have to look forward to salvaging WrestleMania.

The interesting part of last night is that I get the feeling that the Bryan/HHH match will lead to more. Something to the effect of “if Bryan can beat HHH, he gets in the main event at WrestleMania” sort of thing. He could overcome HHH with all of The Authority trying to screw him then he gets in the main event where you have Batista pin him, setting Captain Naval Tattoo as the main heel of the company as Bryan chases the title.

What is a shame right now is that Orton does not feel like he is anything of importance despite being champion. Feels like going into WrestleMania 25 where he was booked so weak and had a disappointing match with HHH.

Cesaro and Swagger played the blame game costing each other matches before hugging it out by the worst looking Ari Gold impersonator ever. Looks like Cesaro’s great run will end with a match against Swagger at Mania. That is if Swagger doesn’t fuck up again before the PPV like last year.

How fucking great was that Shield/Wyatt match?!!

It had just the right elements of tag matches and brawling and it made the crowd actually cheer and chant for the guys involved.

I loved the Rollins leaving bit. It was unexpected until he explained that he could not be the glue that kept the group together anymore. If they have a triple threat at Mania, get ready for a show.

Paul Heyman proved again why he kept ECW in business for so many years despite having no money.

How big a target was on his back being sent out first (to Punk’s music!) and talk about the tattooed, straightedge elephant not in the room and segue that into Lesnar’s match with The Undertaker. Whatever they pay him, it is not enough.

Fucking brilliant.

I loved Lesnar’s destruction of Mark Henry. It makes sense with Henry still looking for revenge for his broken arm and makes Brock look like the maniac he is for putting Henry down every time. That F5 through the table was good as well.

I have noticed that when WrestleMania comes around, no table is safe.

What I thought would happen a couple of weeks ago with John Cena and Bray Wyatt came to be. Cena came out and cut his normal cookie-cutter promo we have heard for a decade, then Wyatt appeared on screen and bitch-slapped Cena verbally with no chance of saving face.

This will continue because no one can touch Wyatt on the mic.

Paul Bearer in the Hall of Fame. This is the definition of right.

The Usos winning the tag titles was a good move. We knew it was going to happen and I think the WWE wanted to hold off a bit longer, but they used the Chicago crowd to pop for a title change. It helps the Outlaws gave them their best match since coming back.

#Emmalution #Emmataining

Aaron Paul should be on Raw every week. Ziggler will be champion inside of a month.

How out the door is Del Rio? He is past Batista and now he lost in two minutes to Ziggler to get a pop for the guest host? We all know he is heading back to Mexico so WWE is doing what they do; make him look like a loser on the way out.

By the way: why the hell even have Paul on if he is not going to say “bitch” once??

If you have the WWE Network and have not watched the NXT Arrival special, you are missing two hours of great wrestling. I enjoyed it more than I have any PPV over the past year. Just watching the Emma and Paige match shows the disconnect between Divas matches on Raw and NXT. The wrestled for 15 minutes and I was entertained by every moment.

Till next week!

March 4, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap February 24, 2014

Courtesy WWE

I can’t start this recap without first mentioning the launch of the WWE Network yesterday. God knows they let you know about it on Raw last night. That was the main crux of why Hogan even made an appearance in Green Bay.

“Hulkamania, brother. WWE Univer…Network. Vitamins. Prayers. WWE Network. WrestleMania, brother.”

I did sign up for the WWE Network yesterday and for a day one launch it went fairly smoothly. There were some loading issues and long buffer times but there was no catastrophic crashes, so I call that a big win.

And the library…the sweet, sweet nectar of what every wrestling fan has wanted to watch at their leisure without having to spend thousands of dollars for overpriced DVD’s on eBay or from some Craigslist ad where you aren’t sure if you are going to get a copy of Fall Brawl ’98 or a knifey hello from a chick with anger issues.

Anyway…there is almost too much to take in for only $10 a month. And yes I am aware of how that sounded.

Getting to the actual show itself, for a Raw that WWE wanted to build as a PPV on TV, it certainly was…a show. So I guess they accomplished what they wanted since Elimination Chamber was a big, heaping pile of “shit I knew was going to happen”.

Last night did pretty much firmly set in place the WrestleMania card we all knew was coming, but the one we didn’t want to see.

Daniel Bryan made it actually believable that he wants to wrestle HHH at Mania. What hurts here is that I could easily see the talking heads backstage wanting to put Bryan in the main event with Orton and Batista. They know as well as we do that the crowd is most likely going to highjack the main event and make WrestleMania end on an embarrassing note.

That would leave HHH without a match and you sure as shit know that’s not happening. I wouldn’t even put it past him to have such a wounded ego about Punk leaving, because he did not think a match with Terra Ryzing was worth his time, that Hunter will make Bryan do the job.

Leave it to Undertaker and Brock Lesnar to do their best to get people excited about WrestleMania 30. Yes, this match may be a decade too late and I am still wondering why WWE went this direction especially if Sting is WANTING TO WRESTLE UNDERTAKER.

You heard me right. Sting was willing to travel down to Texas and work with Taker on their Mania match when he signs with the company. Now don’t get them wrong, the WWE want Sting, they just don’t consider it very high on their list of to-do’s.

I can’t make this shit up.

They are so set on their WrestleMania card that they don’t want to give fans the one fucking match that has been talked about ever since WCW shut their doors 13 years ago. There are talks about Sting coming in after WrestleMania for a run and ending with a match at Mania 31, but with both guys being at the point they are in their careers, don’t you put that match on whenever and wherever you can?

Even with all my bitching, I still know that Lesnar and Taker will, most likely, steal the show.

Side note- Is it coincidence that Taker came back with the Ministry goatee only days after I shaved my mustache and went full-on Amish? I think not!

That is just Cesaro doing his Cesaro thing. Damn.

How big a shit was taken in everyone’s pants last night when Cena hurt his knee?

Normally I am all for Cena taking time off no matter how it happens, but this is the wroooong time of year, especially with a genuine excitement for his match with Bray Wyatt building in my twinkie-filled body (RIP Harold Ramis).

The injury sure did look legit. One of those fluke things that was no one’s fault, you just have to file it under “shit happens”. Early reports are it could be a hyperextension or even a dislocated kneecap. If that is true I have send respect Cena’s way for still gutting through it to finish the segment. Here is hoping it is not too serious. Mania is already looking weak, we don’t need one of the few interesting matches on the card to get scratched.

#Emmalution #CaptainHappyPants

I can’t help but feel a little bad for Batista. He has been gone four years and the fans are giving him the business because he is being forced into a spot that they want Daniel Bryan to be in. The Bootista train has left the station and there is no derailing it.

At least they made light of it last night with Orton asking if Drax was even happy he came back because of the boos. They seem to be taking the Cena approach and telling Batista to go with the flow.

Wrong. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

The reason why it is the Cena approach is that it only works with Cena. People love to cheer him and they love to hate him…it’s his thing. It has and forever will define his career. People are booing Batista because they genuinely don’t want him in the main event and since WWE has painted themselves into this corner they need to turn him heel, either at Mania or right after.

Batista is more The Rock than John Cena. He doesn’t have to be there. He wanted to come back for one more run. He could be off doing other shit like sexually harassing women, picking things up and putting them down or hanging out with Chris Pratt.

That last thing is why Batista is better than all of us.

Leave it to Green Bay to shit all over a good match between Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns. As one member of Twitter succinctly put it “it reminds me of The Rock and HHH in their Nation/DX days”. We can only hope those two have the careers ahead of them like Rock and HHH. One of the bright spots about watching Raw now is seeing all the potential that could flourish into main event stardom in the future.

I keep wondering when Bray will have a bad week on the microphone and it never happens. Every week he shows everyone in the locker room how to keep people hanging on his words, even if they make as much sense as Ted Nugent after three days of Grey Goose and ecstasy.

Here is the card for WrestleMania 30 so far:

Randy Orton vs. Batista for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

I do genuinely want to watch Taker/Lesnar and Cena/Wyatt. I would be more excited about the Bryan match if I did not have this lingering feeling that HHH will get the win.

How am I feeling about WrestleMania 30 with only 40 days to go? As it looks now, partly shitty with a 75% chance of disappointment. Let’s hope the WWE can build a solid undercard to liven things up a bit.

Till next week!

February 25, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap 1/27/14

Photo courtesy wwe.com

It’s amazing how much you can relate everything to high school. Take the picture above. You have the douche nozzle that uses his looks to bang all the women, then when they break up, shits in their duffle bag. The football jock who can dress however he wants and is “tough”. Then you have the wildcard. That person that is legit fucking crazy and is most likely to beat someone to death with a pipe in the gym basement.

That’s what Brock Lesnar is: a wildcard.

There is a reason they pay Brock all that money. It’s not to talk about diverticulitis awareness. He saved that horrible segment last night between Orton and Batista that had the crowd so excited they chanted “Daniel Bryan”. Granted the masses chanted that most of the night…but not when the bane of Shane Carwin came out.

Brock still has that aura around him that somebody is going to get a shoe up their ass and a Turkey Tom stuffed down their throat when he is in the ring.

Last night’s three-way bitchfest has me thinking more and more that there are three possibilities for WrestleMania: Brock vs. Batista, Brock vs. Batista vs. Orton or a fatal four-way adding in Daniel Bryan.

I know, it is still wishful thinking. After last night it seems that the WWE is relishing in the fact they are dangling Bryan so close to the main event and will jerk him back like they are teaching us a lesson. We are the children and HHH is the horrible father that tells us to touch the stove because it’s not hot, but that bitch is on full heat.

BTW, who absolutely LOVED the way HHH talked to the crowd in the same voice I am sure he uses when his spoiled ass kids want something? I can imagine in the pre-production meaning how it was discussed:

Writers- What if they start chanting for Daniel Bryan.

HHH- Don’t worry. I have handle these little diaper shitters before. I can handle it.

Writers- But sir, these aren’t childr….

HHH- Get in the corner! Time out!

I am not complaining about the show itself. In the realms of recent Raw’s it was a decent episode. The main event was the only match to really get interested in when it all comes down to it. I liked the stipulation for the six-man tag with the winning team going to the Elimination Chamber although I don’t get the Wyatt’s attacking Cena therefore giving him an easy in to the match. Wouldn’t their plan be to thwart Magilla Gorilla from making it in? Logic…the wrestling fans Achilles heel.

The Elimination Chamber now has four official members; Sheamus, Cena, Orton and Bryan with Lesnar being a pretty good bet for #5. Now the mystery begins. Who will be the last entrant? If I am wagering money I would say it will be Bray Wyatt. I don’t know how but it solves a lot of WWE storytelling in one match.

If it ends up being those six that is one LOADED match. I would watch the shit out of that match especially with Lesnar being in his hometown.

If you were looking for more great matches, this was not the night for you. The Miz and Dolph Ziggler had an OK showing in the first ever (?) Battle of Cleveland with the winner getting to have sex with Drew Carey.

Photo courtesy wwe.com

WILDCARD!!!!

Lesnar destroyed ex-mustache and Black Reign then proceeded to “Big Show” them with a chair. Love him or hate him, he is the only guy on that show that would truly make me shit my pants if he came at me.

A.J. lost ANOTHER match! This time to the other Funkadactyl. The shitty one! Just give us the A.J. vs. Emma match already!

Big congrats to Jake “The Snake” Roberts on his Hall of Fame induction. He should have been in with one of the first two or three classes but he was on a downward spiral then. Now that he has cleaned up his life it is now time to take his place where he belongs. During his heyday there was no better wrestler on the mic or knew how to sell the crowd on mind games and ring psychology.

I will cover the rest of the matches quickly.

America is better than Mexico. Don’t get mad, the WWE said it.

Thug life is better than ballroom dancing.

Being related to The Rock is better than being Ryback (obviously).

Mexico is better than Jamaica…or is it West Africa. Hell, I don’t know. Kofi lost.

Going back to the upcoming PPV, the WWE may be doing the fans a “service” by having Daniel Bryan in the match but will the audience accept anything other than a Bryan victory or Brock since it will be in his backyard?

I want to believe the WWE is smarter than we give them credit for. That they are letting all of this fan uprising fester for a huge payoff at WrestleMania 30. I said I want to believe because I agree with one of my good friends who believes they are staying the course, no matter what, only focused on the WWE Network and new television deal.

Unless one of you want to climb a mountain and ask some naked oracle like in 300 we will just sit and wait. As much as I love titties, I am fat and I am not climbing a damn thing.

Oh well, at least I have a new Blacklist to watch.

Until next week!

LEGO BOMB!!!

January 28, 2014