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  • Review: Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

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    Thank you Assassin’s Creed IV. I thought this franchise was beyond saving but you have shown me that there is life still left in the yearly (ugh) franchise. I had given up hope after Assassin’s Creed 3, which I never got close to finishing for the simple fact it was boring…as…hell. They were working with one of the most fascinating time periods ever and managed to muck it all up.

    Not so here!

    The team on AC IV have taken the central idea that occupies the mind of anyone that looks for more out of life; “what I wouldn’t give to be a pirate”. Seriously, who has not thought that? If you haven’t then you can start now…

    I will wait.

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    Ships, booty (treasure), swordplay, booty (not treasure), sending people to Davy Jones’ locker. This is the tale of Edward Kenway, a man who leaves his wife to try and make a better life for them only to become one of the greatest pirates (and assassins) of his day. The story begins with Edward killing an assassin and taking his identity. He is a pirate after all. He is then sucked into the familiar war between the Templars and assassins that we all know so well by now in the AC series. I loved the fact that it was introduced in a new way by having Edward weasel his way into it by taking on someone else’s role all while in the search of a great life-changing treasure. One of the many changes that worked.

    Soon after, Edward becomes captain of a ship, which he christens the Jackdaw, and you are off to sail around the massive world with an assortment of wonders awaiting you.

    You can feel the effect of Far Cry 3 all over this game and not just by the looks of the locale. If the theory that Far Cry and Assassin’s Creed share the same world began on the Rook Islands in Far Cry 3, this idea is only furthered on the open seas of Assassin’s Creed 4. The crafting system has been brought over, albeit in not as big a way. You will go from location to location in search of deer, monkey, jaguar, etc. to further expand your abilities. You also have the ability to craft new outfits on top of the ones you can purchase. There is one that looks like Oliver Queen’s island outfit from Arrow…you know I had to go for it.

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    The naval battles in AC 3 seemed to be a testing ground for what is the biggest part of your pirate adventure. Sailing the open seas is so damn refreshing that I often found myself setting out in whatever direction just to see what trouble I could get into. The Jackdaw has its own set of upgrades that are required, not suggested, to survive life on the water..

    At first it can be daunting to take on ships of a higher caliber but after making the right additions, you will own any ship that comes your way (except the fabled legendary ships). During every battle, when you have weakened an opponent, you have the choice to destroy them or board them and take their supplies. The bigger the ship, the more you must do to take it over. Where a level 17 may have you kill ten crew members, a level 36 Man O’ War will ask you to kill 20 crew and the captain as well as make your way to the top of the enemies mast and cut their flag free.

    Combat has been made much more simple and has a certain Arkham series feel to it. It is your basic block and counter but I never felt overwhelmed when surrounded by enemies. It will be hard to go back to any previous AC game again after getting used to it.

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    Thankfully, one of the improved areas in AC IV is its story which is actually pretty easily followed even with all the time jumps, Templar and assassin history and trips to the present day for some first-person Abstergo action. Don’t let that last part scare you off. It is not near as intrusive or mind numbing like the Desmond parts of…well any past AC game. These segments do not last very long and if you get into them you will be given some hints about the possible future of the franchise (wild west AC? Hell yeah!).

    The farther you travel into Edward’s story it becomes easy to say that he is the best protagonist this franchise has ever had. He is a fully fleshed out character whose goal is very clear even if his way of getting there is unique. He has more personality than all characters in previous entries combined. Maybe that comes from the freedom of the time period and profession the developers have used here. Either way, I would not mind more adventures with Edward even if we all know his ending.

    There is so much more I could touch on about what this game holds. I spent over 40 hours sailing and boozing and assassinating and still have quite a bit to do. Whether it is using the diving bell to search for deep sea treasure, sneaking into enemy territory to loot warehouses for ship supplies or just finding random ships to pillage, you will never be left wanting. AC IV does fall into the traps of previous entries sometimes with way too many follow and eavesdrop missions but it does not change the fact that this is easily the best entry in the entire series. My favorite Assassin’s Creed (II) now, finally, seems obsolete.

    That is a good thing. Let’s hope Ubisoft can keep the momentum going forward.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Honest Trailer For Robocop

    How can the guys at Honest Trailers make fun of the original Robocop? It is a near-perfect piece of 80’s American cinema complete with Red Forman telling bitches exactly what to do.

    Leave. He tells them to leave.

    Don’t worry, they don’t make fun of it. In fact, they believe as we all should. The original Robocop is amazing in every way.

    We know that it should not be remade. What is happening can not stop. I will go to see it because I am a huge Joel Kinnaman fan so if I get a decent attempt at “the future of law enforcement” it will be OK. Kind of helps when I have a free ticket as well.

     

  • The Elder Scrolls Online “Imperial Edition” Revealed. New Trailer Released

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    What will $100 get you in the special edition of The Elder Scrolls Online?

    -12″ statue of Malcolm McDowell…or Molag Bal

    -Steelbook packaging

    -Improved Emperor’s Guide to Tamriel (224 page illustrated book)

    -White Imperial horse mount

    -Mudcrab vanity pet (I can’t make this shit up)

    -Ability to play as an Imperial in any Alliance

    -A new $15/month fee on you bank statement

    Check out the new trailer below. The Elder Scrolls Online releases for PC on April 4th and Xbox One/PS4 in June.

  • CM Punk Leaves WWE

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    When it rains, it pours.

    After Sunday’s Royal Rumble where fans took over the show (props again to Pittsburgh) showing their displeasure for Daniel Bryan’s omission from the match, reports are saying that CM Punk has left the company. He reportedly told Vince McMahon on Monday that he was going home and got on a plane to Chicago. He has been taken off the listed talent for all house shows for the next few weeks.

    There is no way to really tell if this is a work or the real deal but with Punk’s past frustrations I am pegging it as being on the up and up.

    The reason behind his leaving is pure speculation at this point. It could simply be he wants time off and he is more of a two minute notice guy instead of two weeks.

    Maybe he just wanted to film more Grammar Slam.

    Rumors also say it could be because of “returning talent” getting the bigger spots at WrestleMania over guys that have been there for years. He voiced his concerns about this when The Rock returned a few years ago.

    This is the LAST thing the WWE needs at this point. Fans are already nearing a revolt because of Daniel Bryan and now they lose the second largest face on their roster. At this rate that Sting signing better be real because the 30th anniversary of WrestleMania is looking in worse shape than ever.

  • Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap 1/27/14

    Photo courtesy wwe.com
    Photo courtesy wwe.com

    It’s amazing how much you can relate everything to high school. Take the picture above. You have the douche nozzle that uses his looks to bang all the women, then when they break up, shits in their duffle bag. The football jock who can dress however he wants and is “tough”. Then you have the wildcard. That person that is legit fucking crazy and is most likely to beat someone to death with a pipe in the gym basement.

    That’s what Brock Lesnar is: a wildcard.

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    There is a reason they pay Brock all that money. It’s not to talk about diverticulitis awareness. He saved that horrible segment last night between Orton and Batista that had the crowd so excited they chanted “Daniel Bryan”. Granted the masses chanted that most of the night…but not when the bane of Shane Carwin came out.

    Brock still has that aura around him that somebody is going to get a shoe up their ass and a Turkey Tom stuffed down their throat when he is in the ring.

    Last night’s three-way bitchfest has me thinking more and more that there are three possibilities for WrestleMania: Brock vs. Batista, Brock vs. Batista vs. Orton or a fatal four-way adding in Daniel Bryan.

    I know, it is still wishful thinking. After last night it seems that the WWE is relishing in the fact they are dangling Bryan so close to the main event and will jerk him back like they are teaching us a lesson. We are the children and HHH is the horrible father that tells us to touch the stove because it’s not hot, but that bitch is on full heat.

    BTW, who absolutely LOVED the way HHH talked to the crowd in the same voice I am sure he uses when his spoiled ass kids want something? I can imagine in the pre-production meaning how it was discussed:

    Writers- What if they start chanting for Daniel Bryan.

    HHH- Don’t worry. I have handle these little diaper shitters before. I can handle it.

    Writers- But sir, these aren’t childr….

    HHH- Get in the corner! Time out!

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    I am not complaining about the show itself. In the realms of recent Raw’s it was a decent episode. The main event was the only match to really get interested in when it all comes down to it. I liked the stipulation for the six-man tag with the winning team going to the Elimination Chamber although I don’t get the Wyatt’s attacking Cena therefore giving him an easy in to the match. Wouldn’t their plan be to thwart Magilla Gorilla from making it in? Logic…the wrestling fans Achilles heel.

    The Elimination Chamber now has four official members; Sheamus, Cena, Orton and Bryan with Lesnar being a pretty good bet for #5. Now the mystery begins. Who will be the last entrant? If I am wagering money I would say it will be Bray Wyatt. I don’t know how but it solves a lot of WWE storytelling in one match.

    If it ends up being those six that is one LOADED match. I would watch the shit out of that match especially with Lesnar being in his hometown.

    If you were looking for more great matches, this was not the night for you. The Miz and Dolph Ziggler had an OK showing in the first ever (?) Battle of Cleveland with the winner getting to have sex with Drew Carey.

    Photo courtesy wwe.com
    Photo courtesy wwe.com

    WILDCARD!!!!

    Lesnar destroyed ex-mustache and Black Reign then proceeded to “Big Show” them with a chair. Love him or hate him, he is the only guy on that show that would truly make me shit my pants if he came at me.

    A.J. lost ANOTHER match! This time to the other Funkadactyl. The shitty one! Just give us the A.J. vs. Emma match already!

    Big congrats to Jake “The Snake” Roberts on his Hall of Fame induction. He should have been in with one of the first two or three classes but he was on a downward spiral then. Now that he has cleaned up his life it is now time to take his place where he belongs. During his heyday there was no better wrestler on the mic or knew how to sell the crowd on mind games and ring psychology.

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    I will cover the rest of the matches quickly.

    America is better than Mexico. Don’t get mad, the WWE said it.

    Thug life is better than ballroom dancing.

    Being related to The Rock is better than being Ryback (obviously).

    Mexico is better than Jamaica…or is it West Africa. Hell, I don’t know. Kofi lost.

    Going back to the upcoming PPV, the WWE may be doing the fans a “service” by having Daniel Bryan in the match but will the audience accept anything other than a Bryan victory or Brock since it will be in his backyard?

    I want to believe the WWE is smarter than we give them credit for. That they are letting all of this fan uprising fester for a huge payoff at WrestleMania 30. I said I want to believe because I agree with one of my good friends who believes they are staying the course, no matter what, only focused on the WWE Network and new television deal.

    Unless one of you want to climb a mountain and ask some naked oracle like in 300 we will just sit and wait. As much as I love titties, I am fat and I am not climbing a damn thing.

    Oh well, at least I have a new Blacklist to watch.

    Until next week!

    LEGO BOMB!

    LEGO BOMB!!!

     

  • Microsoft Purchases Gears Of War Licence From Epic

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    And the remnants of Cliffy B. have left the building.

    Epic Games have sold the rights to the Gears of War property in its entirety to Microsoft Studios, meaning that the future tales of humans and Locusts will remain an Xbox exclusive. Let’s get the official bit out of the way first.

    “Today we’re excited to announce that Microsoft Studios has acquired the rights to the “Gears of War” franchise from Epic Games, including rights to all existing and future games, entertainment experiences and merchandise. In addition, we are excited to announce that Black Tusk Studios in Vancouver, BC will take over development of the “Gears of War” franchise and that Rod Fergusson, former Director of Production at Epic Games on the “Gears of War” franchise, will join Microsoft and play a key studio leadership role at Black Tusk on the development of the franchise going forward.” 

    This sale solves two problems at once: I assume Epic did not want to make any more Gears games and Microsoft wants more because the machine runs on money.

    This tells me that the next game in the Gears universe will most likely be a sequel unlike the, (Toy Story 2 was) OK, Judgement.

    Microsoft must think a lot of unproven developer, Black Tusk, to give them the reigns to Gears of War. This paid off once before when 343 Industries took on Halo 4 and knocked it out of the park. Hopefully with a lot of new brains working together we will get some new gameplay ideas that will reinvigorate the series. I am sure Microsoft will take the Halo approach and write a blank check to Black Tusk for development.

    No timetable was given on when to expect a new Gears of War game. I would expect some sort of teaser trailer at E3 this year to begin with. Don’t expect the game until at least 2015 or 2016.

  • Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Royal Rumble 2014 Recap

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    Last night’s PPV was a turning point for the WWE and not just in the normal way when the Royal Rumble begins the setup for WrestleMania. Neither was this turning point a good thing for the company but it may, in fact, be a good thing for fans of “sports entertainment”. Fans have had enough of the force-fed product and they are letting WWE know it at every show, even more so at last night’s Royal Rumble.

    Lets go through what came of last night’s PPV:

    Cena and Orton are quickly becoming the past whether WWE wants it or not.

    First off, I just want to thank the good folks of Pittsburgh for a showing worthy of a WrestleMania. They voiced their opinion the entire night and it pretty much summed up the voices in the group I was watching with. They let Cena and Orton have it during their title match which was not either guy’s fault. They worked hard and tried to get the crowd involved (especially Orton) but we have seen this song and dance way too many times before. Despite the announcers billing it as “one of the most anticipated rematches of all time” the crowd bellowed out chants of “boring”, “Daniel Bryan” and “we want refunds”.

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    Daniel Bryan has gone past fan favorite to full-scale revolution.

    The more the WWE denies fans what they want, the more they keep revolting. Now this could be WWE trolling every fan with plans to actually put Bryan in the main event of WrestleMania but I am putting my money on it being stubbornness on Vince or HHH’s (or both) part and telling fans what they want. They have done it for the past ten years with Cena and it has made them a shitload of money in merchandise sales.

    Daniel Bryan is different. This doesn’t feel like a natural WWE changing of the guard like Bret Hart from Hogan, Shawn Michaels from Bret or Stone Cold from HBK. WWE influenced each of those movements recognizing that it was each guy’s time to become “the man”. Bryan is ready in every way. The only difference is that the big deals in the company aren’t pulling the trigger on what could be their saving grace. The guy that can easily carry the company for the next 5-7 years. Fans are ready, Bryan is ready, Mick Foley is CERTAINLY ready saying he was “disgusted” with the PPV on Twitter as well as writing a scathing piece on Facebook.

    Bryan had the match of the night with Bray Wyatt to open the show then was left out of the Rumble altogether. With guys like Kevin Nash, El Torito and JBL having spots it makes the omission of Bryan seem even more like a petty move on the WWE’s part. I hope they realize that this can not be swept under the rug. I think they are hoping this is a flash in the pan. They fail to realize how big it truly is…yet.

    The one thing WWE got right last night: Roman Reigns

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    We all knew that Reigns was the member of The Shield that WWE has big plans for and that started, in earnest, last night. He broke Kane’s record of Royal Rumble eliminations by throwing out 12 guys. Over a third of the entrants! I always figured Kane’s record would always stand. He doesn’t have any streak like Taker or title reigns like Flair to hang his hat on…now all he has is Katy Vick.

    Reigns even had a quick mini-babyface turn last night when it came down to him and Batista as the final two men. The crowd was already burned by no Daniel Bryan, even booing Rey Mysterio as he came to the ring, so when it came down to skinny jeans and Rosie’s brother, it became a decidedly pro-Reigns crowd. We can chalk this up to being another case of “seen this before” syndrome. Batista has been gone four years and should have been getting massive pops…that was not to be. Fans want new guys to get behind even if it is a heel.

    Reigns is going to be a huge deal very, very soon.

    Where does this leave WrestleMania 30?

    This is the $20,000 question. After the Royal Rumble, I honestly have no idea. The only certain thing is that Batista will be in the main event for the WWE Title and the belt we were never supposed to see again. If Orton retains at Elimination Chamber then the 30th anniversary of WrestleMania could end with a match I could give two fat flying rat shits about. There is a possibility that Lesnar could unseat Orton in the chamber (the PPV is in his hometown) and we could get Brock vs. Batista. That matchup, at least, intrigues me. They have never had a match together and it would be two huge, hulking guys (which is what gets Vince’s rocks off) in the main event.

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    For the sake of guessing, let’s say it is Batista and Orton boring people in the main event. Where does this leave the rest of the roster? They combined world titles (stupid) so you won’t have another title match that really means anything. They may combine the U.S. and IC titles at Mania but come on…

    Bray Wyatt and Cena are on course for a match at WM30 and even though Cena will triumph, I am glad Wyatt is getting this push. I hope they can deliver on the buildup for the match.

    The Sting rumors are swirling as they do every year. This time, there is actually something to it I believe. He is done with TNA and WWE should be backing the Brinks truck up to his house for a short run. A match with Undertaker may not be as great as it would have been ten years ago but the fact of just having those two guys in the ring together would be HUGE.

    The Shield are headed for a breakup (dammit). I think this will lead to a triple-threat match to see who is “the best of the group”.  If this happens, I expect it to steal the show.

    CM Punk gets to waste another WrestleMania appearance against HHH. He will, most likely, face Kane at Elimination Chamber then move on to the “artist formerly known as mutton chops”.

    After losing the tag titles last night and Goldust eliminating Cody in the Rumble, we seem to be heading to a brother vs. brother match. A little soon for me, I think. They still had plenty of time left as tag champs IMO.

    If all of this shakes down this leaves us with six matches with Lesnar and Daniel Bryan drifting around. As I said before, it could be Lesnar and Batista then where does that leave Orton and Bryan? The last thing they need is another match together. Would the WWE possibly go with a Bryan/Lesnar match? I can’t lie…I would want to see that. WWE could be trolling every single one of us and may have a fatal four-way for the title also. It would fulfill Batista’s Rumble win, get Lesnar in the title mix like Heyman has been preaching and puts the biggest name in the company in the spot the fans want to see him.

    Would they actually do that?

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    Don’t forget, the Raw Recap will be up tomorrow and hopefully we will have a few answers. If not that, at least a whole lot of YES! chants.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Weekend Box Office- January 24-26, 2014

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    People decided to ride along with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube again this weekend. Before you judge me for that horrible beginning please be gentle. It is early and I have no excuse for it.

    After setting the record for biggest January opening, Ride Along easily kept the top spot with $21.1 million with January’s other big story, Lone Survivor, poised to cross $100 million next week.

    There was only one new release this week. I, Frankenstein could not even keep up with the horrid first week of The Legend of Hercules only bringing in $8.2 million. Both of those movies were released by Lionsgate, although I am sure the studio is not worried as they sit on the mound of cash from The Hunger Games franchise.

    1. Ride Along- $21.1 million/ $75.4 million

    2. Lone Survivor- $12.6/ $93.6

    3. The Nut Job- $12.3/ $40.2

    4. Frozen- $9.0/ $347.8

    5. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit- $8.8/ $30.1

    6. I, Frankenstein- $8.2/ $8.2

    7. American Hustle- $7.1/ $127.0

    8. August: Osage County- $5.0/ $26.5

    9. The Wolf of Wall Street- $5.0/ $98.0

    10. Devil’s Due- $2.7/ $12.8

  • Seven Royal Rumble Moments…Just Because

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    This Sunday will be the 27th annual Royal Rumble event so I figured I would quickly put up some of my favorite moments from the show. There are only seven items, because I actually would like you to have the time to see them all, and because I wanted to leave plenty of room for anyone else to let us know about their favorite moments from the yearly event that begins the “road to WrestleMania”.

    Let us know of some of your memories or link us the video in the comments below. Also, tell us who you think will win this Sunday.

    These are in no particular order.

    2005 Royal Rumble

    http://youtu.be/tUB5L20tlFg

    Easily one of the best eliminations ever came in 2005 when Snitsky went full retard on Paul London. This definitely was his fault.

    2010 Royal Rumble

    One of the most surprising returns because Edge was thought to be on the shelf for four more months. What still burns me is that as I watched this on PPV, two of my good friends were watching it live at the show, but I did get to witness Edge’s last match at WrestleMania the next year, so no worries.

    1999 Royal Rumble

    The only true “holy sh**” winner in Royal Rumble history. Sure, you knew he would not main event WrestleMania but that did not keep me from yelling at the television.

    2012 Royal Rumble

    Kofi has had many memorable Royal Rumble moments. This one sticks out the most to me. He may not ever win the Royal Rumble but he is one of the most entertaining parts every year.

    2008 Royal Rumble

    There have been many returns during the Royal Rumble match. Booker T, RVD and Diesel are some that come to mind. The reason why I picked this was because it was Piper returning to MSG and the New York crowd popping like they should for a legend like him.

    2000 Royal Rumble

    Not having to do with the Rumble match but one of my favorite moments. Tazz made his WWE debut against Kurt Angle and ended his undefeated streak. Angle would go on to win the world title in October and Tazz would go on to have one good match against HHH on Smackdown and get his shirt ripped off by Stone Cold in 2001.

    2007 Royal Rumble

    The final eight minutes of the Royal Rumble was something wrestling fans had been waiting years on. Since making his comeback Shawn Michaels had not gone on-on-one with The Undertaker. As the last two men standing in the match they dazzled the audience and showed us but a taste of what was to come at WrestleMania 25 & 26.

  • Deathlok Is Coming To Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.

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    Marvel is shaking things up on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. by announcing that Deathlok will be making his first ever live action appearance on the show. The character Mike Peterson, played by J. August Richards, will become the cyborg that is celebrating his 40th anniversary this year.

    Maybe this will help me clear out my DVR of backlogged episodes of the show to get to see the character. To say I have been disappointed by A.O.S. is an understatement. I understand that first seasons are rough sometimes but there were some episodes that I trudged through with no enjoyment. Maybe, with the introduction of Deathlok and appearance of Lady Sif from Thor, the show is turning a corner.

    I think A.O.S. would be better served by 13 episode seasons like Sleepy Hollow. It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep certain kinds of shows interesting for 22 episodes a season.