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Trailer Trash: The Elder Scrolls Online

Leading up to the release of The Elder Scrolls Online, Bethesda has put together a series of cinematic trailers that rival a lot of Hollywood films for production value and sheer amount of fantasy-epic awesomeness. The trailers follow a trio of warriors – one from each of the game’s “alliances” – as they get caught up in the greater events affecting Tamriel. The trailers are a blast to watch, and I’ve linked them below.

Pretty fantastic, right? As fans of The Elder scrolls know, the denizens of Tamriel spend most of their time trying to murder each other, at least when not dealing with fire mountains, Oblivion gates, and reincarnated dragons. The new MMO looks to capture that feeling of strife and struggle amidst grand events; this time around Molag Bal, “Daedric Prince of domination and enslavement,” is working to merge Oblivion with the physical world of Nirn.

I greatly enjoyed the trailers, and would gladly watch a full-length feature, or maybe a series of webisodes, about the “three champions” and their eventual fates. What these videos don’t do, however, is give a genuine representation of The Elder Scrolls Online; I played a few hours of the ESO beta, and can attest that the gameplay is, as expected, about as far from these scenes as the Summerset Isle from Solstheim. To be fair to Bethesda, they aren’t the first game company to do this, nor will they be the last; the most prominent of the bunch is probably Blizzard, whose cinematic wonders for World of Warcraft are a far cry from the point-and-click reality. Hell, at least Elder Scrolls games let you aim your shots!

The problem with a marketing campaign of this nature, however, is that it’s not 2004 anymore; people know what to expect from an MMO, and doubly so from an Elder Scrolls game. I’m not saying MMOs can’t have engaging action – Tera and Guild Wars 2 have certainly altered the landscape in that regard – but I doubt many people are expecting an Uncharted-style action / platforming sequence like we see that rogue pull off. Everyone who’s even a casual gamer has probably played Oblivion or Skyrim in the past decade, and knows that area-specific damage and destructible environments aren’t a part of the proceedings.

The other problem is that even if these trailers do reach people out-of-touch enough to buy an MMO and expect action like this, those people certainly aren’t going to keep paying the monthly subscription fee once the truth outs. Nearly everyone in the industry has already questioned how long parent company ZeniMax can keep the game going on a paid basis; I know that every last person I would play this game with, on PC or console, lost interest the second the fee was announced. Even a strong initial showing for a subscriber model can trail off, as microtransactions and tiered payment systems continue to dominate the industry.

BioWare is one of the leading role-playing developers in the industry right now, and the difference between brand recognition of Star Wars and Elder Scrolls is night and day. The Old Republic got off to what was considered a pretty good start, sales and subscriptions wise; yet it eventually succumbed to a free-to-play model, and still has trouble generating interest from players. I love Star Wars and BioWare; I could go sign up and start playing it right now, and yet it’s not going to happen.

I know that a lot of companies have money earmarked for marketing, but I really can’t help but wonder if the time and funds put into these trailers is going to pay out in the end. The Elder Scrolls Online is currently an unknown quantity, for sure; MMOs are difficult to review, and the early months don’t necessarily reflect how the game will perform over time. If it didn’t have a fee, I’d probably be getting it when it launches for the One; as it stands, I just hope Bethesda doesn’t waste any more time before getting to Fallout 4.

April 5, 2014
Nothing Can Prepare You For Darth Vader Voiced By Winnie The Pooh

Let’s get your day started off right with Jim Cummings, voice of Winnie the Pooh, reading lines of Darth Vader from Star Wars. A huge reward to the person that gets him reading lines from Fifty Shades of Grey.

Did you know Cummings was also the voice of Darkwing Duck? Yeah, you get a little of that too.

April 4, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Predictions

WrestleMania celebrates 30 year of being the “showcase of the immortals”. To look back at WrestleMania every ten years is to see a template of where the WWE was heading for the next decade. WrestleMania 1 featured Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant and Junkyard Dog all in big matches. Wrestlemania X has Bret Hart winning the WWF title as well as Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in their first classic ladder match. Wreslemania XX saw John Cena win his first singles title, Eddie Guerrero keep his WWE title against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit (yeah, I said it) realize his dream.

Now we are here at WrestleMania 30. WWE has put together a good card on paper. Let’s hope it can deliver come Sunday. It has some stiff competition against the previous anniversary editions.

Here are my picks for this Sunday. Please leave your picks in the comments below or just tell me how wrong I am.

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Rybaxel (WWE Tag Team Championship)

I know that one match had to make the pre-show and when it was announced it was this one, I felt for the guys involved. Most of the time when you get a four-way tag match it surprises you with how good it is. I think this will be the case here. You have two high-flying teams and two power teams (and Curtis Axel). That is the makings of a fun match. Cesaro should have his moments and that damn midget bull will headbutt someone in the ass, but I am picking The Usos to retain.

The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This choice is a toss-up with 30 guys involved. There are only 27 superstars announced and WWE.com pointing this out tells me there will be three surprise entrants like RVD, etc. Easy choice would be Big Show, but after Monday I think it is almost too obvious. I will just do the spin the globe and pick a name.

Dolph Ziggler

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

14 Divas in one ring at one time. Elimination match? Hell no, this sumbitch is one-fall. Get ready for something bad. Really bad. It pains me that the only reason this is on the show and not the tag match is to promote Total Divas which is like Real Houswives, only with more vapid and less likable women. I love me some AJ and she is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time, but the end looks near.

Naomi

The Shield vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws

This is the match that I am calling the swerve on. People have bought into The Shield’s face turn in a big way over the past month and it will pay off here. I think Rollins and Ambrose turn on Reigns and join The Authority. The Shield keeps going as heels and Reigns gets the singles push WWE has been planning.

Kane and The New Age Outlaws

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

This is actually the hardest match of the night to call. Cena getting the upper hand last Monday would tell us Wyatt may be going over, but this is John Cena. He is working a lower card match than he is used to at WrestleMania and even though Wyatt has carried this program, Cena gets the win. The feud doesn’t end here though.

John Cena

Daniel Bryan vs. HHH (winner gets main event spot)

I want these two guys to show the intensity that they had at the end of last Monday’s Raw. HHH, even if it is sometimes monotonous, shows up for WrestleMania and it helps that he is wrestling Daniel Bryan, the only other wrestler besides HBK that could get a broomstick over in a match. We could see some kind of screwy finish where HHH wins, but Bryan gets in the main event anyway. I will just say that Bryan wins clean because I overthink everything and that was my first pick.

Daniel Bryan

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Should I really even make a prediction here? This match is a decade too late. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to see it and I think these two guys can steal the show, but the lead-in has been weak with us having no belief at all that Lesnar will break “The Streak”. Taker winning at WrestleMania is a tradition…not all traditions are good though. If he is going to keep wrestling one match a year, make it be against young guys that get something out of losing to Taker.

Undertaker

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. winner of Bryan/HHH match (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

When this match starts, no matter if HHH or Daniel Bryan is in it, we should all wipe our brows and say “Whew”. Why? Because as much as we piss and moan about the booking, at least WWE recognized that Randy Orton vs. Batista was not the match people wanted to see and instead of planting their feet like a child and saying “NO” they are changing things up. I picked Daniel Bryan to beat HHH and I am picking him here to end the show with a big ending. I think HHH tries to interfere but to no avail. Fireworks and a ton of “YES, YES, YES” chants.

Daniel Bryan

April 3, 2014
First Cast Photo For ‘Girl Meets World’

It is almost here!

Disney has released the first cast photo for Girl Meets World featuring Cory and Topanga Matthews with their kids, Riley (center) and Auggie (center left). Let’s hope this starts a new age of continuing old shows with new installments.

-The Full House spin-off that follows DJ and her super-Christian family as they try to save Stephanie from her meth addiction.

– The Family Matters spin-off where Carl meets up with Bruce Willis and there is a long stare between them like they have met before.

– The Step By Step spin-off where Cody kills Frank, but Carol wakes up and finds Frank in the shower. It was a dream all along!

-The Perfect Strangers spin-off….OK, no one wants that.

April 3, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, March 30, 2014

Photo courtesy WWE

Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.

It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.

I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.

Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.

There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.

Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?

The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.

The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.

I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.

The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.

Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!

I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.

Sorry about “that”.

Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.

Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.

“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”

Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.

That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.

Till next week!

April 3, 2014
Pete Holmes Meets Ken “The Ultimate Copycat”

We all know why Ken is useless. Pete Holmes just makes a video about it.

Did you play as Ken in Street Fighter?

I shake my head at you. Or as the young folks say today, SMH, which I initially thought meant “secret mental handshake”.

April 1, 2014
Phil Spencer To Head Up Xbox Division

Phil Spencer, the master of the t-shirt/sportscoat combo and voted “Guy You Would Like To Punch In The Face Because Of How He Looks, Even Though He Is Probably A Cool Guy”, has been named the head of the Xbox division of Microsoft.

In all honesty, Phil has a good rapport with the gaming community and is easy to listen to at Microsoft events, so this is a good decision for Microsoft. Maybe Microsoft’s events will be a little easier to watch than the business-heavy style of Don Mattrick.

Here is a statement by Spencer on what to expect under his thumb…errr regime…ummm lead.

“Games and gamers have always been at the core of Xbox and the core of my work—and gaming will be our core as we take Xbox forward,” said Spencer.

“This past year has been a growth experience both for me and for the entire Xbox team. We’ve taken feedback, made our products better and renewed our focus on what is most important, our customer. Our mission is to build a world-class team, work hard to meet the high expectations of a passionate fan base, create the best games and entertainment and drive technical innovation. As we continue forward, this renewed focus and mission will be a foundational part of how I lead the Xbox program.

“You will hear much more as we head into E3, but we are at the beginning of an incredible new chapter for Xbox and I can’t wait for the days and years ahead. This is going to be fun.”

March 31, 2014
Weekend Box Office- March 28-30, 2014

So far, so good for Darren Aronofsky’s Noah. The biblical (but not biblical) epic took in $44 million to finish first. I am sure the audience was divided between Christians who didn’t know what they were getting into and Aronofsky fans that wanted to see how he could top Jared Leto shooting heroin into a gaping hole in his arm.

With Captain America opening next week, we will see if Noah can stay afloat. Sorry, I had a one pun limit for this article.

Frozen had a big weekend. It became the highest grossing animated film of all time passing Toy Story 3. Maybe now people can finally let it go.

Damn, two puns.

1. Noah- $44 million/ $44 million

2. Divergent- $26.5/ $95.2

3. Muppets Most Wanted- $11.3/ $33.3

4. Mr. Peabody & Sherman- $9.5/ $94.9

5. God’s Not Dead- $9.0/ $22.0

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel- $8.8/ $24.4

7. Sabotage- $5.3/ $5.3

8. Need For Speed- $4.3/ $37.7

9. 300: Rise of an Empire- $4.3/ $101.1

10. Non-Stop- $4.0/ $85.1

March 31, 2014
Happy Birthday, Batman! How Is DC Celebrating The Dark Knight’s 75th?

Last year was Superman’s 75th anniversary and DC held a year’s worth of celebrations including the Man of Steel’s return to theaters. While Batman does not have a movie opening this year (we have to wait until 2016 for Batman vs. Superman), DC has a lot of stuff on the table to offer fans of the Caped Crusader.

First off is the new logo you see above which will be on everything Batman related this year.

Check out DC’s extensive press release below that includes all of their planned events including Batman Day on July 23rd, the home releases of the Batman ’66 series (finally) and a 25th anniversary set for Tim Burton’s Batman (feel old yet?).

Superman may be the most recognizable hero ever, but Batman has firmly become the most popular hero over the past 25 years.

Happy Birthday, Batman. We brood along with you.

To mark the milestone 75th anniversary of DC Comics’ Batman, Warner Bros. Entertainment and DC Entertainment have revealed plans for a year-long celebration befitting the world’s most popular Super Hero. Highlights of the anniversary program, which starts today, include a new commemorative 75th anniversary Batman logo and an exclusive “Cape/Cowl/Create” art exhibit, featuring 20 contemporary artists’ interpretation of The Dark Knight’s iconic cowl headpiece and cape from the upcoming Batman: Arkham Knight videogame. There will also be 75th anniversary-related activities across all of Warner Bros. Entertainment throughout the year.

First appearing in the comic book Detective Comics #27, which hit newsstands on March 30, 1939, featuring artwork by Bob Kane and a script by Bill Finger, Batman emerged from the shadows to become the world’s most popular Super Hero and dominate all media. In feature films, TV shows, radio, video games, publishing and merchandise, this most human of Super Heroes has battled some of fiction’s greatest villains using his intellect, cunning and an arsenal of gadgets to further his quest for justice.

“Batman is an incredibly important property with multi-generational appeal across all of the Studio’s businesses, and we’re proud to celebrate this milestone anniversary,” said Kevin Tsujihara, Chief Executive Officer, Warner Bros. Entertainment. “From billion-dollar blockbuster films to TV, home entertainment, video games and consumer products, The Dark Knight continues to resonate with audiences worldwide and rightfully deserves his place as a global pop culture icon for the ages.”

Batman is the single most successful Super Hero film franchise in history and there have been more theatrical movies released based on Batman than any other comic book character. In video games, the Batman Arkham franchise is also the most successful Super Hero game concept ever. Batman consistently breaks records in every incarnation of his character and remains the gold standard by which all other comic book sales are measured.

“Batman is one of the greatest characters ever created, in comics or elsewhere, and even after 75 years he continues to wildly fascinate fans. He is an integral part of pop culture and has successfully captured the imagination of the entire world,” said Diane Nelson, President of DC Entertainment and President & Chief Content Officer, Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment. “The origin of Batman, Bruce Wayne and the famous citizens of Gotham are legendary and likely a story you know inside out, even if you’ve never picked up a comic book in your life, and that speaks volumes to the character’s immense popularity and the constructs of the original mythology.”

The first published adventure of The Bat-Man (as he was then known) was in the May 1939 issue of Detective Comics #27, conceived of and drawn by a 22-year-old Kane with his frequent collaborator, Bill Finger, scripting the story. The character was so successful, that one year later the first comic book devoted exclusively to the Caped Crusader’s adventures, Batman #1, hit newsstands. In that issue, Batman battled The Joker and Catwoman for the first time.

Now, DC Entertainment and the Studio’s various divisions, including Pictures, Television, Animation, Interactive Entertainment, Home Entertainment and Consumer Products, will mark this extraordinary 75th anniversary with a range of highly anticipated events and products.

The new commemorative logo, also released today across social media and websites, takes its cue from the famed Bat symbol, and features block-style lettering of “75 Years.” The mark will be rolled out on Batman-related promotions, products and initiatives.

Key activities planned for the Batman 75th anniversary celebration include:

DC Entertainment – DC Entertainment has an action-packed year filled with new Batman titles, commemorative issues and variant covers, including the recently released special edition of Detective Comics #27 commemorating Batman’s first appearance in the book in 1939, the new weekly series Batman Eternal launching April 9, and upcoming exclusive Batman variant covers planned for San Diego Comic-Con International in July.

Batman Day – DC Entertainment is also partnering with thousands of comic retailers, book stores and libraries for “Batman Day” on Wednesday, July 23. Each location will host a Batman 75th anniversary celebration and offer fans a free, special edition Batman comic.

Interactive Entertainment – Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment has invited celebrated fashion designer Asher Levine to create a cape and cowl based on the Batsuit of the recently announced Batman: Arkham Knight videogame developed by Rocksteady Studios. Favorite contemporary artists will have the opportunity to use the replicas as a blank canvas to produce their own, original interpretations of Batman’s iconic attire for an all new “Cape/Cowl/Create” art exhibit that will be showcased at San Diego Comic-Con International in July.

Home Entertainment – Warner Bros. Home Entertainment will bring fans an array of new Batman titles throughout the year, including the highly anticipated release of the Batman ’66 TV series for the first time ever. Other new releases include animated films Son of Batman (May 6) and Assault on Arkham (summer 2014). Additionally, a 25th Anniversary Edition of Tim Burton’s Batman feature film will be released in the fall.

Animation – Warner Bros. Animation has created two all-new Batman animated shorts set for debut in April, with fan-favorite producers Bruce Timm (Batman: The Animated Series) and Darwyn Cooke (Batman Beyond) each presenting a unique and familiar take on the Batman animated universe. In addition, Timm will participate in a Batman 75th all-star panel at WonderCon in Anaheim on Saturday, April 19, which will also feature an exclusive premiere of Cooke’s animated short based upon Batman Beyond.

Television – Warner Bros. Television is in production on the pilot episode of the highly anticipated Gotham, a new one-hour drama for FOX which explores the origin stories of eventual police commissioner James Gordon and the villains that made Gotham City famous. In Gotham, Detective Gordon (Ben McKenzie – Southland) will encounter a familiar cast of characters – including a young Bruce Wayne – as he fights to keep the city safe. Executive producer Bruce Heller (The Mentalist, Rome) wrote the pilot, which is being directed by executive producer Danny Cannon (CSI series, Nikita).

Pictures – As Batman’s 75th anniversary is celebrated in 2014, Warner Bros. Pictures will begin production of Zack Snyder’s untitled Superman/Batman film starring Henry Cavill, who reprises his role as Superman/Clark Kent, and Ben Affleck as Batman/Bruce Wayne. The film, slated for release summer 2016, will bring the two most iconic Super Heroes of all time together for the first time on the big screen.

Consumer Products – Warner Bros. Consumer Products has partnered with an array of licensees to celebrate Batman’s 75th Anniversary through special edition and limited-release products. From the classic 1960s TV series to modern day comics, Batman’s presence will be larger than ever in celebration of his legacy through everything from toys to t-shirts.

DCComics.com – For the latest information and exclusive content celebrating Batman’s 75th anniversary, visit Batman75.com. The dedicated section on DC Comics’ website launches today with the Batman 75 Sweepstakes which offers one lucky fan a one-of-a-kind prize package.

March 28, 2014
First Trailer For Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

http://youtu.be/nCjsWpM9zFU

Here it is people. Our first look at the (dreaded) Micheal Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

First impression: While I reserve judgment until seeing the final product, this is a mixed bag. I do like the look of the Turtles and what lines they have conveys their signature humor, but I know some will absolutely hate the change in mythology to connect Shredder, April and the Turtles. I still get a feel of Tranformers just with Ninja Turtles.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles releases on August 8th.

March 27, 2014