Let’s Rank The Nintendo Amiibo Figures

I am so excited for Nintendo’s Amiibo figures to release that it doesn’t really matter how I am going to use them. Train them in Smash? Open up new items in Mario Kart? Sit on my shelves and look really pretty?

OK, I will be honest, it is going to be the last one mostly. You think I care about spending money to have pieces of plastic sit on my shelf? You don’t even know.

There are 18 Amiibo figures releasing by the end of the year, here they are in order of awesomeness.*

* Awesomeness will vary from person to person determined by childhood memories and/or trauma.

1. Samus


Look at this thing. Why would it NOT be number one on this list?

2. Link


Is he held up by a shaft of magical yellow pee with a skirt and leggings? Yep, that’s how I want it.

3. Fox McCloud


I imagine this figure as Fox running away from a very awkward conversation with Slippy about his confusing sexual thoughts.

4. Captain Falcon


While the shaft placement (I went there) is too funny, it’s a fucking Captain Falcon figure!

5. Pit


Only Nintendo can make metrosexual angels badass.

6 Mario


It is not the Mario shooting fireballs out of his nose look we grew up with. Going with a more “hadouken” this fireball in your face.

7. Zelda


I think I will place this one beside Captain Falcon to give the illusion she is the holder for him kicking a giant ass football.

8. Little Mac


Pair it with Peach for your own Nintendo version of “Ray Rice Elevator Punch-Out”.

9. Wii Fit Trainer


If you ask me why this is so high on my list be prepared for the answer you don’t want to hear.

10. Luigi


While Mario gets to shoot a fireball, little bro is stuck doing Olympic luge or the world’s longest plank.

11. Marth


I think this will be the hardest figure to find because of collector a-holes like me buying them and Nintendo not making as many as other characters.

12. Yoshi


Either he is power walking or recreating the cover to Abbey Road. Both make me happy.

13.Donkey Kong


Why there is not a barrel with this? I have no idea.

14. Peach


Looks like she is showing off a prize on Price is Right. Put her next to another toy to make it seem more important.

15 Kirby


No mad face or mouth full of stuff. Just sitting there like a fat ass. This should be higher on my list since it is the most like me.

16. Diddy Kong


The Scrappy-Doo of Nintendo. Will get this if there is a Buy One, Get One sale and he is the only one left after the one I want.

17. Villager


Stop waving! Why are you so damn happy?! I will burn your village to the ground.

18. Pikachu


Admittedly, I am not a Pokemon fan. I love everything Nintendo, but this never got to me. I know enough to know there are a shit ton of them and if Nintendo is smart they will make Amiibos of all 2,000 of them so parents can go bankrupt.



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