Author: Scott Simmons

Let’s Rank The Nintendo Amiibo Figures

I am so excited for Nintendo’s Amiibo figures to release that it doesn’t really matter how I am going to use them. Train them in Smash? Open up new items in Mario Kart? Sit on my shelves and look really pretty?

OK, I will be honest, it is going to be the last one mostly. You think I care about spending money to have pieces of plastic sit on my shelf? You don’t even know.

There are 18 Amiibo figures releasing by the end of the year, here they are in order of awesomeness.*

* Awesomeness will vary from person to person determined by childhood memories and/or trauma.

1. Samus

Look at this thing. Why would it NOT be number one on this list?

2. Link

Is he held up by a shaft of magical yellow pee with a skirt and leggings? Yep, that’s how I want it.

3. Fox McCloud

I imagine this figure as Fox running away from a very awkward conversation with Slippy about his confusing sexual thoughts.

4. Captain Falcon

While the shaft placement (I went there) is too funny, it’s a fucking Captain Falcon figure!

5. Pit

Only Nintendo can make metrosexual angels badass.

6 Mario

It is not the Mario shooting fireballs out of his nose look we grew up with. Going with a more “hadouken” this fireball in your face.

7. Zelda

I think I will place this one beside Captain Falcon to give the illusion she is the holder for him kicking a giant ass football.

8. Little Mac

Pair it with Peach for your own Nintendo version of “Ray Rice Elevator Punch-Out”.

9. Wii Fit Trainer

If you ask me why this is so high on my list be prepared for the answer you don’t want to hear.

10. Luigi

While Mario gets to shoot a fireball, little bro is stuck doing Olympic luge or the world’s longest plank.

11. Marth

I think this will be the hardest figure to find because of collector a-holes like me buying them and Nintendo not making as many as other characters.

12. Yoshi

Either he is power walking or recreating the cover to Abbey Road. Both make me happy.

13.Donkey Kong

Why there is not a barrel with this? I have no idea.

14. Peach

Looks like she is showing off a prize on Price is Right. Put her next to another toy to make it seem more important.

15 Kirby

No mad face or mouth full of stuff. Just sitting there like a fat ass. This should be higher on my list since it is the most like me.

16. Diddy Kong

The Scrappy-Doo of Nintendo. Will get this if there is a Buy One, Get One sale and he is the only one left after the one I want.

17. Villager

Stop waving! Why are you so damn happy?! I will burn your village to the ground.

18. Pikachu

Admittedly, I am not a Pokemon fan. I love everything Nintendo, but this never got to me. I know enough to know there are a shit ton of them and if Nintendo is smart they will make Amiibos of all 2,000 of them so parents can go bankrupt.

November 6, 2014
Far Cry 4 Story Trailer Is All About Choice

http://youtu.be/0kG3n4tE334

In a few short weeks we will finally get our hands on Far Cry 4. To say that we are excited is an understatement. Far Cry 3 was our 2012 Game of the Year for good reason and now we are ready to get lost in the frosty, mountainous terrain of Kyrat.

To get you ready even more, here is the story trailer which plays up that you will have choices to make about which side you will take to help your people. Let’s hope there is a third option to join Pagan Min, just because we are dickheads like that.

November 5, 2014
WWE Raw Review (In Memes) 11/03/14

November 4, 2014
“I’m The Smart One.” Crimes And Punishments: Sherlock Holmes Review

Developer Frogwares has been producing Sherlock Holmes games since 2002 for the PC, PS3, Xbox, DS and 3DS. I have not played any of them, not because of any negative reaction, but rather, because I admit my ignorance in not knowing about them (or not paying attention if I actually saw them). I decided to give their newest game in the series, Crime and Punishments, a try after seeing some preview videos earlier in the year.

I am beyond pleased that I did.

Crimes and Punishments takes Sherlock and Dr. Watson through six cases of varying circumstances. One involved a murder complete with an archaeologist killed in a locked steam bath with clues leading you into secret catacombs in search of an ancient weapon while another has you investigating the disappearance of a train before your very eyes. Part of the fun is that the beginning of each new case brought a new “ what will this adventure bring” feeling to it.

The character of Sherlock is a bit in the middle of well known performances. Not quite as eccentric as Cumberbatch, yet not indomitable like Rathbone. I can’t say as much for Watson, who is very much less a memorable character. Funny how I can learn to like different versions of Sherlock, yet Martin Freeman has ruined me on Dr. Watson. He is merely there for the ride and beyond a few short sequences where you swap to play as him, he could have been omitted from the game and I would not have noticed.

Most of Crime and Punishments is a point and click adventure at its core. You will go around a myriad of different locales, a garden-centric county cabin, Roman baths, multiple trips to Scotland Yard and your famous home at 221B Baker Street, walk around collecting clues trying to piece together the events that led to the crime. Sherlock has many tried and true methods at his disposal including a special vision ability that can see things ordinary eyes can not as well as piece together previous events at your location when evidence has been found. It is nothing new, but helps in your gameplay as the world’s greatest detective.

Two places the game really lets you live out your “virtual Cumberbatch” is with the character profile feature and Sherlock’s mind palace. Whenever Holmes interviews a suspect or victim you are prompted to inspect them while the camera goes over various parts of their body. You will learn of their intentions, way of life, even where they have been in the previous hours by the look of their clothes, facial features and more. It really is another mini-game in a game full of them, but it furthers the connection with you being Sherlock.

When you have enough clues you are prompted to enter Sherlock’s mind and see which clues fit together. This is well done by appearing as firing synapses in Sherlock’s brain. When you near the end of cases you must connect clues with suspects and must deduce who committed the crime and what their motivation was. You can easily accuse the wrong person, so be careful. There is an option at the end of every case to check your findings and see if you were right in your assumptions. If you are wrong you can go back into Sherlock’s mind palace and try another way, so there is really no way to lose. In a game like this, it is not necessary to always be right, but I have to be.

If you are looking for a fast-paced action title, Crimes and Punishments will disappoint you thoroughly. If, however, you are wanting a search and find adventure and don’t mind lots of mini-games that are well used, give Sherlock a try. You will end up pleasantly surprised with the fix it gives in between the waiting for Season 4.

Oh, the waiting.

November 3, 2014
Marvel Reveals Movie Lineup Including Captain Marvel, Black Panther And More

Marvel couldn’t let DC have all the press by announcing their movie lineup. Today, at a live event, they unveiled the titles and release dates of nine features. This includes the first official announcements of Black Panther and Inhumans.

Here are the official release dates with title shots after.

Captain America: Civil War – May 6th, 2016

Doctor Strange– November 4th, 2016

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 – May 5, 2017

Thor: Ragnarok – July 28th, 2017

Black Panther – November 3rd, 2017

Inhumans – November 2nd, 2018

Avengers: Infinity Wars Part 1 – May 2018

Captain Marvel – July 6th, 2019

Avengers: Infinity Wars Part 2 – May 2019

There were a few casting notes during the announcement as well. Yesterday we found out that Benedict Cumberbatch would be their sorcerer supreme, Doctor Strange, and today they gave us more casting with Chadwick Boseman , from 42, playing Black Panther. If DC hit an infield fly with Ezra Miller as Flash, Marvel launched one 500 feet with that casting. See the first concept art of Black Panther below.

So much to take in.

-We already knew Robert Downey, Jr. signed on for the third Cap movie with Civil War being the end result. The title should be no surprise.

-The casting of Cumberbatch is great for Marvel because it means he is locked in for more than one appearance, per normal Marvel contracts.

-Guardians of the Galaxy 2 moving to the May spot shows how much they believe in the franchise after it blew up this year, making over $700 million worldwide.

-The events of Civil War will affect Thor as well it seems with the Ragnarok title. Will Loki being on the throne lead to “the end of all things”?

-Black Panther is the one character that had the most internet support to have a movie from Marvel. With the Avengers team changing its look after Age of Ultron, it is a good possibility Panther will join.

-Vin Diesel had dropped hints that Marvel was going to release an Inhumans feature and that he might be involved. Seems like he wasn’t blowing smoke up our asses.

-Captain Marvel has me the most intrigued of all of these. This will be Marvel’s first female led movie and it will come a year after Wonder Woman. They have yet to trip up in casting, so let the rumors begin on who will play her.

-Avengers: Infinity War releasing only a year apart is huge. You have to think they will film it all as one due to the actor’s contracts for appearances. Thanos will be one tough cookie to take up two movies.

October 28, 2014
WWE Raw Review (In Memes) 10/27/14

October 28, 2014
WWE Hell In A Cell 2014 Review (In Memes)

October 27, 2014
Xbox One Gets $50 Price Drop For The Holidays

Looks like Microsoft isn’t playing around this holiday season. They have announced that starting November 2nd the console would see a $50 price drop including the newest bundles that include Assassin’s Creed: Unity, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and Sunset Overdrive.

The Assassin’s Creed and Sunset Overdrive bundle will cost $349 while the Call of Duty bundle, with a 1TB hard drive, will be $449. The promotion goes until January 3, 2015.

If you have been waiting for the right opportunity to pick up an Xbox One, this may be it. With Playstation 4 having a big sales lead on Xbox it will be interesting to see if Sony follows or decides to stay the course.

October 27, 2014
The Witcher 3 Opening Cinematic Really Hates Horses

Well, this is certainly damn beautiful.

Geralt is on the hunt for his former lover, Yennefer, in the opening cinematic for The Witcher 3. It is more of the amazing quality videos we have come to expect out of CD Projekt RED.

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt releases February 24, 2015.

October 24, 2014
WWE Hell In A Cell 2014 Predictions

Did you know there was a PPV on Sunday? It kind of sneaks up on you when WWE puts everything on cruise control until Royal Rumble or February when WWE Network subscriptions are up for renewal.

Hell in a Cell has always seemed like one of two PPV’s, along with Extreme Rules, that need to change in the TV-PG environment WWE has now. I don’t need blade jobs left and right, but it is hard to put on matches that advertise brutality, but can’t actually show it.

-The Miz vs. Sheamus for the United States Championship

Let’s be honest. I will be watching this match for Damien Mizdow, who has taken what should have been a last resort before being “future endeavored” and made it one of the only entertaining things in WWE. The Miz is better served in his role with a title and a win here will get us a step closer to the eventual Miz vs. Mizdow feud.

Winner- The Miz with the help of his better half.

-Paige vs. AJ for the Divas Championship

You would think I would be tiring of this feud by now. Nope. When these are the only two Divas who can put on good matches on a consistent basis, I have no problem with a third title match. Paige joining Total Divas (NOOOOOOOOOO) tells me all I need to know about this match. Let’s hope Charlotte will make her way to Raw next year to add another piece to the Divas division puzzle that only has two pieces connected.

Winner- AJ by submission that will hopefully be a GIF the next day. For research purposes.

-Rusev vs. Big Show

Rusev seems like he should be way bigger than he is now. WWE has spent a Russian shitload (that is four pallets of vodka) of time on him. He has a winning streak that will probably go to WrestleMania when Cena goes all “WrestleMania VII Hogan” on him. Here we are seven months away and I don’t know how they can keep it up. Where do they take him after this feud?

Winner- In Mother Russia, match wrestles you.

-Nikki vs. Brie

Remember how Brie and Stephanie at Summerslam had the crowd caring? Forget all that. Actually, seems like WWE wants you to forget a lot about Summerslam. Didn’t Cena wrestle? No? Weird. Seems like he did. Loser of this match has to be the winner’s slave for a month or something like that. I fast-forward Raw whenever they are on. They could be wrestling for a chance to be Cena’s sack shaver for all I know.

Winner- Ummm, Nikki.

Loser- Daniel Bryan, for reasons.

-Goldust & Stardust vs. The Usos for the Tag Team Championship

I want to want this match. Kind of hard when they wrestle each other every week on Raw. Wrestling used to have a thing called buildup, where wrestlers would have matches with other people while cutting promos on the wrestlers they were feuding with. Perhaps some match interference would happen, then when came time for the match, you have created the desire to want to watch it. That used to be fun.

Winner- Goldust & Stardust because I am still convinced we will see Gwildor before the Cosmic Key stuff is finished.

-Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler in a Two out of Three Falls Match for the Intercontinental Championship

No match preview shot yet because this is announced tonight on Smackdown, thus the snazzy picture. I fully expect this to compete with Ambrose/Rollins for match of the night. Ziggler’s popularity is great to see every week because I know it kills some higher ups. Cesaro will show off his strength and Ziggler will sell everything like only he can. This pick is up in the air for me because I think both guys need the title right now.

Winner- Cesaro by making Ziggler look like a bomb went off in the ring.

-John Cena vs. Randy Orton

I will let Vaas from Far Cry 3 explain my thoughts here.

Winner- John Cena because, why the fuck not?

-Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

Whether this match goes on last or not, it is the main event in my head. Rollins has been going back and forth with Ambrose since he turned on The Shield in the summer. While Ambrose has one-upped him a few times, he has yet to pick up a win against his former partner. This match should be different. Ambrose hasn’t had his big win yet since The Shield split unlike Rollins and Reigns. It’s coming (not painted on a woman’s pregnant stomach).

Winner- Ambrose hits the double arm DDT (is it still Dirty Deeds?). I will call it the Tittie Drop.

October 24, 2014