And what if I told you it is as asinine as it sounds?
Also, what if I told you Captain Janeway herself, Kate Mulgrew, was narrating it and possibly believes this?
Now, what if I told you that it is being directed by a huge anti-Semite who believes the Holocaust didn’t happen?
Am I going to watch this and review it? You bet your sweet ass I am. Now you should know why Voyager is the “kid in the helmet” of the Trek world.
Better yet, can I watch this while Neil deGrasse Tyson MST3K’s it?
The Raw after WrestleMania is like that one big summer movie you know you absolutely can not miss. It’s big, it’s fun, its got lots of things getting blown up. In this case that would be The Ultimate Warrior who played his character so well he was out of breath after walking to the ring.
That is dedication.
I’ll be damned if that Warrior promo didn’t make a damn bit of sense, but wouldn’t we worry if it did? That’s his schtick. To talk about the power of the Warriors and blood and veins and living in the clouds with all the other Warriors and have tantric sex to bring about the end of the world after we ascend to the heavens by the comets in the stars.
See, I just did one. It’s easy. Now you try.
I have to give props to the post-WrestleMania crowd in New Orleans. They lived up to the past two years from New York/Jersey and Miami. Cheering for whoever they wanted to, booing Cena so hard even he had to acknowledge it and even singing along with songs I had no earthly idea you could sing-a-long with.
Side note: Can we all agree that singing “Cena sucks” to his music should become the new Kurt Angle “you suck”.
The MVP of the show was Paul Heyman, without a doubt, who had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. His promo with Brock about beating Taker’s streak is the kind of speech that goes on future DVD’s to be remembered. Mentioning that there are WWE Hall of Famer(s), legend(s) and superstar(s), but there is only one Brock Lesnar. He is the one in 21-1.
So much brilliant. Hard to brain straight.
Then, as if that wasn’t enough, after getting booed with the power of a thousand suns with Brock, Cesaro announces that he is a Paul Heyman guy…and the bastard gets cheered out of the building!
Greatest manager ever? The conversation is becoming easier to say yes. Yes, he is.
Guess who else was major over last night? If you said The Wyatts, you win a Follow the Buzzards Prize Pack which includes a dirty, sweaty wife beater, a sheep mask and odd looks from everyone around as they wonder if you are a meth dealer in Louisiana.
REGGIE LEDOUX!
Has it become tradition to give Sheamus the shit end of the stick on the Raw after WrestleMania? Last year his match with Orton was crapped all over by the lovely crowd that chanted for JBL and Jerry Lawler. So how do they reward him this year? Put him in a tag match with John Cena.
Gee, thanks guys.
The crowd was not booing him and Big E. directly, just the fact they were in close vicinity to Cena. The fact that The Wyatts were on the other side did not help matters either. It’s all good Sheamus. Maybe next year they will put you in a handicap match against The Rock, Stone Cold and Daniel Bryan as we all watch what happens like some sort of twisted social experiment.
Holy shit, did Paige really just win the Divas Championship?!
Yes, she did. And it was glorious. Now everyone should know I was a firm believer of AJ keeping the belt until the day HHH decides to kill the Divas division and show clips of Total Divas on Raw instead of matches, but my only other happy possibilities were Emma, who is being wasted with Santino, and Paige winning the title.
Last night had a good feel to it (giggity). AJ’s promo about how she has run roughshot over the sad Divas division basically said that while the cast of Total Divas may be fame-seeking TV whores, they also should not hold the Divas title ever.
Wait…no that’s about right with the one exception being Nattie.
So the fact that Paige came in and beat AJ should signal a change in the Divas division from one of Funkanoonegivesashits and twins whose only differences are tit size and taste in men, to actual in-ring talent that will elevate the division and, by extension, the belt.
Side note: Adam Rose is awesome. If you don’t know, you will soon.
Feels a bit weird going this long and just now getting to the main event, but there was so much shit last night.
Did anyone else get one of those “oh shit is it 2003” moments when HHH said he would face Bryan for the title and Batista and Randy Orton would have a match for the tag titles? I know I did. It was not fun. I had the thought of after WrestleMania, the meetings for Raw going something like this:
“Alright, we gave them what they wanted. What next?”
“We could kind of bring back Evolution and have them win everything again. Who doesn’t want to see that?”
Then I stab my eyes out with a #2 pencil (does anyone still use those?) and wear my sheep mask from my Follow the Buzzards Prize Pack.
It looks like we are heading for a Evolution/Authority/whatever they are now vs. Daniel Bryan/Shield match. This pleases me. I am glad they did not break The Shield up at Mania because they are hitting a new high and are going to sell the hell out of those new facemasks that look cool on them, but will be scary as shit on a kid.
Really, if I saw a kid wearing one I would head the other direction, because I’ll be damned if I end up like Fred Gwynne in Pet Sematary and have some kid off me.
Side note: The real bad news from last night was that Barrett will only get cheered on the post-Mania Raw.
Why in the hell were they saving Cesaro beating Swagger last night? You have the crowd behind him and Heyman and you end it with a crowd-deflating count-out? What? Are you saving a Swagger loss for a PPV? Like we haven’t seen Swagger lose to everyone on the roster over the past two years…for free! And that includes two midgets!
Remember last year when the Raw the week after WrestleMania was a complete letdown after all the Fandangoing and whatnot? Well, I get to be a part of the disappointment firsthand next week! That’s right kids, I will be at Raw live next week and will apologize in advanced for the shitty crowd. It is Alabama and unless they are going to have a Shield vs. Authority football game, I know how this will go. Our group will do our best, but we are only a handful against a legion that kind of looks like Harper and Rowan.
Damn.
Until next week!
I think it is safe to say that Captain America has taken his place behind Iron Man as Marvel’s number two hero. Captain America: The Winter Soldier easily set a new April record with $96.2 million which is $11 million more than Thor: The Dark World opened to last November. The more impressive feat is the $207 million it has earned internationally giving Cap a $303 million gross after only ten days. That is almost half of Thor: The Dark World’s total gross in a week and a half.
The rest of the top ten suffered heavily with Marvel fever on everyone’s minds.
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier- $96.2 million/ $96.2 million
2. Noah- $17.0/ $72.3
3. Divergent- $13.0/ $114.0
4. God’s Not Dead- $7.7/ $32.5
5. The Grand Budapest Hotel- $6.3/ $33.3
6. Muppets Most Wanted- $6.2/ $42.1
7. Mr. Peabody & Sherman- $5.3/ $102.2
8. Sabotage- $1.9/ $8.7
9. Need For Speed- $1.8/ $40.8
10. Non-Stop- $1.8/ $88.1
So anything interesting happen last night on Game of Thrones? I only ask because WWE had their own version of the Red Wedding at WrestleMania 30 with Undertaker playing the part of…well, anyone named Stark and Lesnar was the arrows and knives.
Before I get started full on there are two things I need to get out of the way:
1. This is not going to be in any order. My brain will jump around as it wants to. I don’t question the madness and neither should you.
2. I have no problem whatsoever with Brock Lesnar beating The Undertaker.
Now let me explain #2 to a greater degree. I have maintained for a year or two that a match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania should be used to elevate young talent. Not by them beating him, but by having a great match with him. Lesnar losing last night and even HHH’s third go-round last year with Taker gained them nothing. They were already made men. That is why I thought Lesnar was being wasted at this year’s show by having a match with Taker that he could not win.
Shows how much I know.
With Lesnar’s win last night, this cements his place in wrestling history. Like forever.
FOR-EV-ER
Giving a young guy the win over Taker makes no sense. You can not predict the future of the business. Maybe you give Roman Reigns the win and he becomes “the man who breaks The Streak”. What happens if two years down the road he becomes an afterthought like Bobby Lashley, MVP or Kennedy, who were all thought to be future faces of the company? You have just squandered The Streak for nothing.
With HBK retired and HHH going 0-3, this leaves only two viable options on the roster that should end The Streak: Brock Lesnar and John Cena.
These men are like Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24; they are the only ones that can shoulder the load of being the one who ended something legendary. When you get down to these two it becomes clear that Lesnar should be that guy. People either love him or hate him (and to Brock’s credit, he couldn’t give two shits about it), now that he has ended The Streak, wrestling fans can throw their complete hatred and ire towards him and guess what? He is fine with it.
But why can’t Cena be the guy?
Simple. He is the face of the WWE, whether we who hate him would like to admit. He is a decade-long brand and if he broke The Streak, that would very seriously threaten to take away the fans that have stayed true to him for ten years. Why would you even chance that? We keep waiting for this magical heel turn to make things right, but let’s come to the realization that it will not happen.
That only leaves Brock.
And here is the thing most people are forgetting; the only man that can ever really beat The Streak is The Undertaker. I am certain this was his call. If he chose the guy and he chose the place, then accept it and don’t forget that he wanted to end The Streak to Mark Henry at WrestleMania 22…so there is that big ass silver lining.
And now for something completely different.
Where The Undertaker losing felt like a funeral, the show ended as it should have with 75,000 people chanting “YES” as Daniel Bryan won the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And guess what? Both of his matches were great (as usual). How weird is it to have a champion that night in, night out will give you great matches whether it is on Raw, Smackdown or a PPV? Punk did that for the most part, but even he grew complacent and hum drum during his historic reign.
HHH showed a lot last night proving that he can still go with the young guys, which I kind of questioned after his past two matches with Taker. His match with Bryan went 25 minutes and it didn’t feel like it. Their styles meshed well together and the finish was super hot with HHH’s post-match beatdown of Bryan.
The main event was a masterstroke by WWE and all the guys involved. Batista, Orton and Bryan worked their asses off and brought the crowd back from the dead (too soon?) and had them in the palm of their hands during the last ⅓ of the match. The false finishes worked well especially with the HHH involvement and the short-lived Evolution comeback.
Side note: I don’t think there is enough Icy Hot on Earth to help Orton’s back after landing on that monitor.
Bryan holding both belts as the crowd lost their shit is that reason why we watch wrestling. That will stand next to Hogan slamming Andre, Warrior beating Hogan, Stone Cold passing out to Bret, all the Rock/Austin matches and all the other WrestleMania moments that are carved in our memory.
Bray Wyatt proved he will be a main guy for a looong time.
Not just because of that A-MAZ-ING entrance, but showing that he belonged in a big time match with Cena. Yes, Cena won. I know, I know. I oddly don’t have a problem with this because Bray gained a lot just from the feud and the match. And the spot where the fans sang while Bray conducted them…so great. We already know the type of match he can have with Daniel Bryan after their show-stealing performance at the Royal Rumble and now we know he can make a feud with Cena entertaining. Add this to his promos already being the best in the business and I will be following the buzzards for as long as they let me.
I am running long so I will hit a few quick points:
-The Shield did not break up (as I predicted). I kind of wished they had after only having a four minute match with Kane and the Outlaws. I know there is going to be one throwaway match on the card but how can the Divas be given ten minutes and the tag titles be on the pre-show and this be given so little time?
-Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Battle Royal was absolutely the right decision. Big Show is already…well, Big Show. Cesaro is one of those guys that looks to be one of a few in a generation, like Bryan or Wyatt, that you hang your hat on to be one of the next big things. How big can the Cesaro Section get? We are about to find out.
-The only reason I am even mentioning the Divas match is because AJ retained her title which is one of the two outcomes I wanted. The other? #Emmalution
Good point brought up last night by a friend: What if they are keeping the title on AJ to go past CM Punk’s 434 days as champion as a “f*** you” by having his girlfriend keep her title longer.
-The opening with Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock was better than all of last year’s WrestleMania. The night was going to be historic and that just set the tone.
Here are my Top 5 moments from WrestleMania 30:
1. Daniel Bryan leading 75,000 people in a “YES” chant as champion.
2. Brock Lesnar defeating The Undertaker.
3. The massive boner-iffic opening for wrestling fans with Hogan, Austin and Rock.
4. Cesaro throwing Big Show over the top rope and winning the battle royal
5. My reaction the Lesnar winning which consisted of my hands on my mouth letting out a muffled “Holy Shit” like Kenny from South Park.
And we still have tonight’s Raw!
Let’s get your day started off right with Jim Cummings, voice of Winnie the Pooh, reading lines of Darth Vader from Star Wars. A huge reward to the person that gets him reading lines from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Did you know Cummings was also the voice of Darkwing Duck? Yeah, you get a little of that too.
WrestleMania celebrates 30 year of being the “showcase of the immortals”. To look back at WrestleMania every ten years is to see a template of where the WWE was heading for the next decade. WrestleMania 1 featured Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant and Junkyard Dog all in big matches. Wrestlemania X has Bret Hart winning the WWF title as well as Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in their first classic ladder match. Wreslemania XX saw John Cena win his first singles title, Eddie Guerrero keep his WWE title against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit (yeah, I said it) realize his dream.
Now we are here at WrestleMania 30. WWE has put together a good card on paper. Let’s hope it can deliver come Sunday. It has some stiff competition against the previous anniversary editions.
Here are my picks for this Sunday. Please leave your picks in the comments below or just tell me how wrong I am.
I know that one match had to make the pre-show and when it was announced it was this one, I felt for the guys involved. Most of the time when you get a four-way tag match it surprises you with how good it is. I think this will be the case here. You have two high-flying teams and two power teams (and Curtis Axel). That is the makings of a fun match. Cesaro should have his moments and that damn midget bull will headbutt someone in the ass, but I am picking The Usos to retain.
The Usos
This choice is a toss-up with 30 guys involved. There are only 27 superstars announced and WWE.com pointing this out tells me there will be three surprise entrants like RVD, etc. Easy choice would be Big Show, but after Monday I think it is almost too obvious. I will just do the spin the globe and pick a name.
Dolph Ziggler
14 Divas in one ring at one time. Elimination match? Hell no, this sumbitch is one-fall. Get ready for something bad. Really bad. It pains me that the only reason this is on the show and not the tag match is to promote Total Divas which is like Real Houswives, only with more vapid and less likable women. I love me some AJ and she is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time, but the end looks near.
Naomi
This is the match that I am calling the swerve on. People have bought into The Shield’s face turn in a big way over the past month and it will pay off here. I think Rollins and Ambrose turn on Reigns and join The Authority. The Shield keeps going as heels and Reigns gets the singles push WWE has been planning.
Kane and The New Age Outlaws
This is actually the hardest match of the night to call. Cena getting the upper hand last Monday would tell us Wyatt may be going over, but this is John Cena. He is working a lower card match than he is used to at WrestleMania and even though Wyatt has carried this program, Cena gets the win. The feud doesn’t end here though.
John Cena
I want these two guys to show the intensity that they had at the end of last Monday’s Raw. HHH, even if it is sometimes monotonous, shows up for WrestleMania and it helps that he is wrestling Daniel Bryan, the only other wrestler besides HBK that could get a broomstick over in a match. We could see some kind of screwy finish where HHH wins, but Bryan gets in the main event anyway. I will just say that Bryan wins clean because I overthink everything and that was my first pick.
Daniel Bryan
Should I really even make a prediction here? This match is a decade too late. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to see it and I think these two guys can steal the show, but the lead-in has been weak with us having no belief at all that Lesnar will break “The Streak”. Taker winning at WrestleMania is a tradition…not all traditions are good though. If he is going to keep wrestling one match a year, make it be against young guys that get something out of losing to Taker.
Undertaker
When this match starts, no matter if HHH or Daniel Bryan is in it, we should all wipe our brows and say “Whew”. Why? Because as much as we piss and moan about the booking, at least WWE recognized that Randy Orton vs. Batista was not the match people wanted to see and instead of planting their feet like a child and saying “NO” they are changing things up. I picked Daniel Bryan to beat HHH and I am picking him here to end the show with a big ending. I think HHH tries to interfere but to no avail. Fireworks and a ton of “YES, YES, YES” chants.
Daniel Bryan
It is almost here!
Disney has released the first cast photo for Girl Meets World featuring Cory and Topanga Matthews with their kids, Riley (center) and Auggie (center left). Let’s hope this starts a new age of continuing old shows with new installments.
-The Full House spin-off that follows DJ and her super-Christian family as they try to save Stephanie from her meth addiction.
– The Family Matters spin-off where Carl meets up with Bruce Willis and there is a long stare between them like they have met before.
– The Step By Step spin-off where Cody kills Frank, but Carol wakes up and finds Frank in the shower. It was a dream all along!
-The Perfect Strangers spin-off….OK, no one wants that.
Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap. We have been having problems on the site which is my technical explanation for “I don’t know what the f*** is going on”.
It’s WrestleMania week! Time to get excited, because Raw was a little lax on the excitement…for 2 hours and 55 minutes. I loved the Daniel Bryan run-in. I haven’t seen HHH sell that well since…wait, I can do this…nevermind, we will come back to that if I think of something.
I know ending the show with Bryan triumphant may put doubt in your mind that he will not win this Sunday, but I refuse to believe that WWE would come this far to give fans what they want only to pull the old patented “dick move” at the climax. And yes, I meant for that to sound as sexual as it did.
Going back to Bryan and HHH, if this is the intensity we are going to get during Sunday’s match, then it could be a really special match…or it could be a HHH match. As of now Orton and Batista are just window dressing. They are the shitty pieces of greenery on your plate of steak. Push them aside with your fork and try to enjoy the main event.
There is still a plan (in my head and I am guessing by WWE) to have Batista win on Sunday because they have lost sight of what WrestleMania is. It is about moments that stay with us over the years. Like last year, it was one big shitty moment. Horrible WrestleMania’s aside, one of the problems with the “showcase of the immortals” over the past few years has been to set up the next few PPV’s or summer programs. This is not what you do with wrestling’s equivalent of the Super Bowl. You give the audience moments that they will remember and watch over again and reminisce with their friends about.
Why is the Intercontinental Champion losing to a guy that is leaving the company in a few months?
The only way this makes sense is if Big E. Is going to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on Sunday. Because in the world of senseless WWE booking, this was Santino beating Umaga bad. As far as the battle royal goes, I think it is a safe bet Big Show will not be winning. Why? Because it sets itself up too perfectly so, in the wrestling world, that means it will not be.
The Piper’s Pit segment was a great big mess that got the fans so excited for the battle royal that their cheers could have been mistaken for apathetic silence.
I love having Piper on whenever possible, but even he can’t help out the fact that this will be the first and last Andre yada yada yada Battle Royal.
The divas match will involve 14 divas (14!) and be a one-fall match. DA FUQ? I have read it referred to as a Fatal Fourteen Way, but I am calling it a Fetal Fourteen Way because that is the position I will be in while watching it on Sunday. God speed, AJ, but this match is destined to be BotchaMania.
Did you see Brock F5 Taker?! Oh man, that totes means he is winning on Sunday!
I am looking forward to Brock and Taker, but the lead-in has been following the Taker playbook for PPV matches that we have seen way too often. He has gotten the one-up on Brock in every encounter except for the Raw before to put “doubt” in our “heads” that Brock can “win”.
Sorry about “that”.
Who knows, maybe Sting will drop from the rafters and take out both men and no one wins except for me and my childhood dreams as the wrestling world explodes in some kind of wonderful, honorable death.
Cena going sheep face (which I haven’t decided is a racial joke waiting to happen) was a good visual even if it did make the Wyatts look like idiots.
“Who is this guy in the sheep mask? Didn’t we get rid of Daniel Bryan? This guy is like three inches taller and built like a tanker. Guys? Any ideas?”
Cena getting the upper hand gives me a small glimmer of hope that Wyatt will win on Sunday. And by small, I mean like the same size glimmer of hope that Emma Watson will allow me to perform “petrificus totalus” to her. Come on Bray, there is a lot riding on this match…for me and you both.
That will do it for this week. Short and sweet, mainly because I don’t know when this site will decide to go all Cylon on me and stop working for my benefit and nuke me.
Till next week!
We all know why Ken is useless. Pete Holmes just makes a video about it.
Did you play as Ken in Street Fighter?
I shake my head at you. Or as the young folks say today, SMH, which I initially thought meant “secret mental handshake”.
Phil Spencer, the master of the t-shirt/sportscoat combo and voted “Guy You Would Like To Punch In The Face Because Of How He Looks, Even Though He Is Probably A Cool Guy”, has been named the head of the Xbox division of Microsoft.
In all honesty, Phil has a good rapport with the gaming community and is easy to listen to at Microsoft events, so this is a good decision for Microsoft. Maybe Microsoft’s events will be a little easier to watch than the business-heavy style of Don Mattrick.
Here is a statement by Spencer on what to expect under his thumb…errr regime…ummm lead.
“Games and gamers have always been at the core of Xbox and the core of my work—and gaming will be our core as we take Xbox forward,” said Spencer.
“This past year has been a growth experience both for me and for the entire Xbox team. We’ve taken feedback, made our products better and renewed our focus on what is most important, our customer. Our mission is to build a world-class team, work hard to meet the high expectations of a passionate fan base, create the best games and entertainment and drive technical innovation. As we continue forward, this renewed focus and mission will be a foundational part of how I lead the Xbox program.
“You will hear much more as we head into E3, but we are at the beginning of an incredible new chapter for Xbox and I can’t wait for the days and years ahead. This is going to be fun.”