Nerd Rating

Tag: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review (From Someone Who Did Not See Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

    teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3

    This is the tale of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. They were a black and white comic in the 80’s which was made into a Saturday morning kids show that came on before Garfield and Friends which led into Beakman’s World (fuck your Bill Nye).

    A movie version of the Turtles came out in 1990 and it was amazeballs. Yes, I was ten when I saw it, but I still stand by my opinion today. Seriously, go back and watch it. It was dark and depressing as shit in places. Broken families, gang crime, blatant ripping off of Dominoes “30 minute or less” policy. Hell, Raphael gets the wholesale shit beat out of him and you think he might die.

    After that…well, I will let the Honest Trailer for TMNT 2 explain it.

    Now, Michael Bay, director of such explosions as Transformers, Transformers: Shia Goes to Robot Heaven, Transformers: Where’d Megan Fox Go, Transformers: Say Hello to Your Mother For Me and The Island (yeah, The Island) teams up with the director of Wrath of the Titans to bring the Ninja Turtles to the big screen again.

    When turtles come in contact with an ooze of some sort they turn into huge, hulking mega turtles that learn karate by playing Ninja Gaiden and listening to their giant rat mentor voiced by Monk. Just imagine Barry Bonds with a turtle shell on his back and you have a good idea.

    Their enemy is The Shredder, who may or may not be played by the bank president from the opening scene in The Dark Knight. I am kind of fuzzy on that. I do know that the new Shredder costume makes the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine look tame. Has any movie ever made someone wonder “why didn’t they get Kevin Nash to do this role again”?

    There is one now.

    Will kids love it? Hell yeah, but kids are stupid. You know you used to be stupid, don’t act like I am pissing on the American flag by saying they are.

    If you had to take your child to the theater to see this, I applaud your resolve in loving your child. Let’s hope it is that strong when the sequel comes out in 2016, the same summer as the Power Rangers movie. Bend over and lube up.

     

  • First Trailer For Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    http://youtu.be/nCjsWpM9zFU

    Here it is people. Our first look at the (dreaded) Micheal Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    First impression: While I reserve judgment until seeing the final product, this is a mixed bag. I do like the look of the Turtles and what lines they have conveys their signature humor, but I know some will absolutely hate the change in mythology to connect Shredder, April and the Turtles. I still get a feel of Tranformers just with Ninja Turtles.

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles releases on August 8th.

  • Kraft Mac & Cheese Bridges The Age Gap With The Return Of “Ninja Rap”

    http://youtu.be/_-lT1oOU7b4

    The year was 1991. An 11 year old boy sits in his room listening to his cassette copy of Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap” for hours on end after seeing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle II: The Secret of the Ooze in theaters just a week before. Life was good.

    Whoever is the marketing genius at Kraft that created this gem surely experienced the same thing as a kid and now has combined the old and new TMNT in one giant Rob Van Winkle explosion.

    Now I want some damn macaroni.

  • Michael Bay Says His Ninja Turtles Come From Ooze, Thinks Everyone Is A Complete Moron.

    Photo courtesy comics alliance.com
    Photo courtesy comicsalliance.com

    Michael Bay’s TMNT is happening whether we want it to or not. Megan Fox is playing April O’Neil whether we want it or not. The turtles are going to be aliens whether we want it or…..wait what’s that? They are not going to be aliens? But Bay was famously going to change them into aliens and also not have them be teenagers effectively eliminating half of the title.

    Wait, now he says that they are now back to their original origin story with the ooze and not just that, but that there was never eeeeeever a plan to make them alien.

    “There was that quote saying that we’re making [the Ninja Turtles as] aliens. We’re not, It’s the ooze! It’s from the original source material. These are from the original writers, and I never went out to correct myself in the press. I do listen to the fans and I do want this to be authentic. I think they’re going to be really happy with this movie. When I see the digital stuff, the turtles look great.”

    Oh, go eat a bag of dicks Michael Bay.

    There are interviews with people involved with the project that confirmed they were going to be aliens and then when that leaked out there was a mystery halt in the project so the script could be re-written. You think all is forgiven for adding ooze into the script? God you giant douche nozzle. He thinks most people are morons and can say what ever he wants. And honestly because Transformers 2 & 3 made a billion dollars each I can see why he thinks that a bit.