Tag: HHH

Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap March 3, 2014

Raw was in Chicago last night. The big show they were dreading and the one everyone of us was looking forward to the most.

Rumors broke a few days ago that CM Punk could possibly be returning to a hero’s welcome. Well in the realm of “shit that didn’t happen” that rumor reigned as king last night.

Yep, Punk was a no show.

OK, so Punk is still at home sulking and getting ready for his @midnight appearance. It was all good because WWE put on a really good show and even managed to use the whole “Highjack Raw” for their favor when they sent out Daniel Bryan to acknowledge it and use it to his advantage.

Trolling in its highest form. Bravo, WWE.

Raw managed to move forward a lot of its storylines last night despite the loud Chicago crowd. Let’s be clear, the crowd was insanely loud and chanted “CM Punk” most of the night as we knew they would, but it did not feel like the post-WrestleMania Jersey crowd that created absolute magic.

Bryan faced Batista and even slowing down his pace, Big Dave looked winded after about five minutes. This may be reason enough to put a third man in the main event of Mania. How good a match can he have with Orton if he is pulling a Warrior and getting blown up on his way to the ring?

It does look like it will be HHH and Bryan after last night. I still think WWE was holding out a few weeks to see if they could salvage something out of Punk, but now they have to look forward to salvaging WrestleMania.

The interesting part of last night is that I get the feeling that the Bryan/HHH match will lead to more. Something to the effect of “if Bryan can beat HHH, he gets in the main event at WrestleMania” sort of thing. He could overcome HHH with all of The Authority trying to screw him then he gets in the main event where you have Batista pin him, setting Captain Naval Tattoo as the main heel of the company as Bryan chases the title.

What is a shame right now is that Orton does not feel like he is anything of importance despite being champion. Feels like going into WrestleMania 25 where he was booked so weak and had a disappointing match with HHH.

Cesaro and Swagger played the blame game costing each other matches before hugging it out by the worst looking Ari Gold impersonator ever. Looks like Cesaro’s great run will end with a match against Swagger at Mania. That is if Swagger doesn’t fuck up again before the PPV like last year.

How fucking great was that Shield/Wyatt match?!!

It had just the right elements of tag matches and brawling and it made the crowd actually cheer and chant for the guys involved.

I loved the Rollins leaving bit. It was unexpected until he explained that he could not be the glue that kept the group together anymore. If they have a triple threat at Mania, get ready for a show.

Paul Heyman proved again why he kept ECW in business for so many years despite having no money.

How big a target was on his back being sent out first (to Punk’s music!) and talk about the tattooed, straightedge elephant not in the room and segue that into Lesnar’s match with The Undertaker. Whatever they pay him, it is not enough.

Fucking brilliant.

I loved Lesnar’s destruction of Mark Henry. It makes sense with Henry still looking for revenge for his broken arm and makes Brock look like the maniac he is for putting Henry down every time. That F5 through the table was good as well.

I have noticed that when WrestleMania comes around, no table is safe.

What I thought would happen a couple of weeks ago with John Cena and Bray Wyatt came to be. Cena came out and cut his normal cookie-cutter promo we have heard for a decade, then Wyatt appeared on screen and bitch-slapped Cena verbally with no chance of saving face.

This will continue because no one can touch Wyatt on the mic.

Paul Bearer in the Hall of Fame. This is the definition of right.

The Usos winning the tag titles was a good move. We knew it was going to happen and I think the WWE wanted to hold off a bit longer, but they used the Chicago crowd to pop for a title change. It helps the Outlaws gave them their best match since coming back.

#Emmalution #Emmataining

Aaron Paul should be on Raw every week. Ziggler will be champion inside of a month.

How out the door is Del Rio? He is past Batista and now he lost in two minutes to Ziggler to get a pop for the guest host? We all know he is heading back to Mexico so WWE is doing what they do; make him look like a loser on the way out.

By the way: why the hell even have Paul on if he is not going to say “bitch” once??

If you have the WWE Network and have not watched the NXT Arrival special, you are missing two hours of great wrestling. I enjoyed it more than I have any PPV over the past year. Just watching the Emma and Paige match shows the disconnect between Divas matches on Raw and NXT. The wrestled for 15 minutes and I was entertained by every moment.

Till next week!

March 4, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap February 3, 2014

The first Raw after CM Punk’s departure went about as well as the WWE could have expected. Sure there were plenty of Punk chants throughout the night and reports that Punk posters were being confiscated like at the NXT taping last week, but the show wasn’t a huge barreling train that headed off the rails and took a plane back to Chicago.

Piece of advice to live fans- if you want to keep up appearances that Daniel Bryan is your guy, you may not want to chant for Punk during his main event match with the WWE All-World Marine All-Star Champion. It just proves to the WWE that you are chanting to chant and actually don’t care about what you say you care about…like Fandango.

Unlike last week there were some really good matches including The Shield doing their Shield-y thing in a six-man tag against Dominic’s real father, the West African Jamaican and man boobs. I am glad the crowd made the fact that Roman Reigns and Big E. were in the ring together a big deal. Few things matter in the ring anymore so it is nice when two big hulking men go against each other and the crowd oohs and ahhs. Kind of like the daydreams that Vince rubs one out to.

Back to Punk, because I am like a dog with too many chew toys.

Word is that Vince and HHH are split on what to do with the tattooed one. Vince wants him back in a big way and HHH feels the opposite because Punk didn’t feel like their match at WrestleMania 30 was high profile enough for him so mutton chops is butthurt.

News Flash: It isn’t as high a profile match as HHH wants to believe it is. There is a hierarchy to Mania matches.

1. WWE Title matches

2. Undertaker vs. whoever.

3. Whatever else is on the show

4. 1&2 are swappable

Punk has always wanted to main event Mania and he felt he was wasting another showing with a match against HHH. Maybe he shouldn’t have left so soon, maybe he just couldn’t take anymore, who knows? I do know that I would love to see Punk on TV again but only if he wants to. No use watching someone half-ass their way through something. That would be like watching Total Divas.

With Punk hanging out with Chris Hardwick or something it seems like WWE has taken the easiest possible way out. By easiest way out I literally mean they took the script for Mania and went HHH vs. ~~Punk~~ Bryan. Kane interfered in the main event last night because…because. So now it looks like D.B. will be taking on Korporate Kane at Elimination Chamber before getting Punk’s Mania leftovers.

Yay?

You know who should be pissed about all of this going down is Sheamus. He was rumored to be turning heel against Bryan and have a Mania match with him but now that has changed and it looks like he will be calling 1-800-FELLA on Ryback.

Welcome back! Don’t get pink eye.

People backstage need to remind Cody Rhodes that if he is going to try and pull a Kurt Angle in the ring at least save it for a PPV. Paralysis should not be given away for free. At least get my $10 on the WWE Network before doing that again.

But I do thank him for the effort. The Rhodes Brothers basically played the role of every John Cena opponent for the last decade. They worked their asses off in the cage match and carried the Outlaws then had to take the loss. Looks more and more likely of a brother vs. brother match at Mania.

Photo courtesy wwe.com

Brock Lesnar was not at Raw last night so that meant that Batista had to have some mic work with Alberto Del Rio. Sad part about this? Del Rio actually outdid skinny jeans even with all of his Spanglish. It was a tougher sounding Del Rio and his sucker punch on Bootista was a surprise that made him look like an actual threat and not a chickenshit. Where was this Del Rio during his last title reign?

Did anyone else know that Titus O’Neil broke up with Darren Young? That’s what I get for not watching Smackdown…or caring about Titus O’Neil. I did like The Miz coming out during the match and asking why he was not in a match but the “guy who barks like a dog” and the “guy who made his own belt for the internet” did. People give Miz a lot of shit but I am still a fan. Hard to believe its been three years since this:

Photo courtesy ign.com

Let’s see what the possible, reworked if Punk is not coming back, I am just guessing so don’t hold me to it WrestleMania 30 card looks like.

Randy Orton vs. Batista

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust

Sheamus vs. Ryback

Triple-threat match with all three Shield members

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

On paper it looks good. Then again, so did WrestleMania 26 and that went down the crapper quickly.

I don’t believe we have ever been this close to WrestleMania where so much was up in the air. Now with Punk (maybe) gone for good I am sure the writers’ pants are quite full with the proverbial dookie.

Side note- Green Day’s “Dookie” is 20 years old now. Go fu** yourself time.

Till next week!

February 4, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap (1/20/14)

The Eyes of Kenneth Mars seduce you into watching Raw. You will do anything the eyes say. You will watch a large, muscular man fit into clothes that were made for a 18 year old anorexic GAP model. You will cheer him for his name is….Bautista!

I mean Batista!

Almost four years after leaving, Batista returned to the ring and did…stuff. In the realms of big WWE returns it felt a little meh. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited as anyone that Drax decided to come back for one final run, but it seemed like there was nothing for him to do. He came out during HHH’s bitchfit at Orton and rode the bus on the ramp while pyro went off and flexed for the people then told Randy he was coming for the WWE World Heavyweight Intercontinental European Championship.

Join the overcrowded party of superstars that want to get their hands on the title including: Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Daniel Bryan, everyone else on the roster because that is what everyone on the roster is going to say even though it will not happen. You think Zack Ryder will ever Woo Woo Woo himself to a world title? Nope, but that is what guys are supposed to say.

The biggest thing about Batista’s return, besides him delivering a Batista Bomb to The Million Peso Man?

What the hell was Batista wearing?

Imagine this:

And put it on this:

Mental picture obtained? OK, now store it away with the things you should never think of again including puppy euthanasia and your grandmother naked.

The Shield were back doing what they do best last night which is winning six-man tag matches. No sense of a breakup even though we all know it is coming and the more I think about it, the more I want to not think about it like the trio of things I just mentioned above.

They spread the wealth this week and let someone other than Roman Reigns get the pin. Rollins hit his finisher on Big E. and props to the big man for selling it like it was truly devastating. With the rumors that the WWE will be unifying the IC and U.S. titles at Mania this plays into many scenarios. A Big E./Ambrose match to unify the belts. Rollins could beat Big E. and have two of The Shield members go at it or, my most wonderfulest of matches on my Mania wish list, a triple threat match between Reigns, Rollins and Ambrose for the IC/U.S. belt.

Technically, if they combine the United States and Intercontinental belts isn’t that kind of like the whole world? I see your mind games WWE! You think Total Divas was a mindfuck? We haven’t seen anything yet!

Of course I suck at geography. And math. And grammar. And comma usage.

WWE also celebrated the life of MLK with a couple of video packages and having both African-American superstars that wrestled lose their matches. Xavier Woods, who is a great talent but needs gimmick help right (stat) now, lost in quick order to Fandango. Yes, Fandango is still a thing.

Kofi had a rematch against Randy Orton but John Cena ran down to get revenge on the bag shitter for attacking his father. So Kofi stood there and cheered on the white man as he took out his aggression. Thanks a lot Cena. I am sure Kofi had a dream…of winning.

The saga of CM Punk vs. The Authority continued with Punk taking on the blonde member of the Voodoo Kin Mafia. Don’t get me wrong, I love when the Outlaws are on Raw. I still think they have one more tag title reign in them but the whole Punk/ Authority thing is boring me. We all know where it is headed. A boring match with Kane at Elimination Chamber and then a date with the Cerebral COO at Mania. Of all the people on the roster for Punk to face at Wrestlemania 30, HHH is on the bottom end of the list. I mean bottom. Like Khali bottom. Why not have a Summerslam rematch with Brock Lesnar? Bryan? Stephanie? DDP? A broomstick to see who is truly the best between him and HBK?

I will give you one guess who Alberto Del Rio had a match with? The master of the 619 (and knee injuries) Rey Mysterio!

The Usos beat The Wyatt Family again with a little help from the newly freed Daniel Bryan. The WWE took almost 40 minutes to even talk about the insane crowd reaction to Bryan’s attack on Bray Wyatt last week which still kind of reeks of neglecting the fact that Bryan is the biggest thing in the company to come along in the past ten years.

I am surprised that they are letting Bryan have a one-on-one match at the Rumble considering the concussion he got on last week’s Raw. Apparently he didn’t remember a lot from his cage match and the ensuing crowd riot afterwards. He was taken out of house shows this week and given all the concussion tests and was cleared on Sunday. With Ziggler still out, scarier and scarier every day, with his concussion from Skip Sheffield I thought the WWE would be a bit more careful with Bryan. That is, unless, they have big plans for him Sunday. Like winning the Rumble match big. If they are having him wrestle against Wyatt only, that is a waste when he could be clearing the cobwebs for another week.

This may sound so 2002 but besides the Rumble match itself I am most looking forward to the Brock/Big Show match on Sunday. We all know Brock will be winning but this is a good first match back for Lesnar leading into Mania. Him and Show work well together and it is not exactly expected to be a MOTY so we may be surprised on Sunday.

If anyone doubted Brock’s ability to lose himself in the madness they saw it last night as he went one on one with the announce table. Jesus, did he beat the holy hell out of that table with a chair and then, not content to just pull monitors from the table, launched one at Show in the ring. He almost went full Steiner.

I actually watched an entire Divas match and had to watch A.J. lose…to a Funkadactyl!

The longest reigning Divas Champion ever lost to Brodus Clay’s former spirit squad. But on the upside, she was African-American.

EQUALITY! It’s what the E in WWE stands for.

Since this was the go home Raw before the Royal Rumble how did things end? If you were thinking a big melee in the ring involving a lot of superstars in the Rumble match to get everyone ready for the WWE’s most entertaining match of the year, you would be so, so wrong.

That would just make sense.

Instead we got Cena chasing Orton up into the crowd and through a skybox.

Keep hope alive! It could still get good! Will Cena give him an AA in the skybox? Maybe Orton gets the upper hand and RKO’s Cena on the t-shirt table!

Orton ran outside and jumped in the passenger seat of a car and got away leaving Cena and his glass-cutting nipples to high-five fans in the frigid cold. No mention from anyone about who was driving. No Rikishi. No “I did it for The Rock”

Nothing.

Just Cena standing there with what I am sure was serious shrinkage to contemplate that he has to wait alllllll the way till Sunday to hulk up in his new neon green attire.

In case you missed it they debuted new Cena crap last night including a shirt, hat, wrist bands and towel. All retina burning neon green and all worn at the same time by the world’s brightest gorilla, and I mean the color of his clothing, not his intelligence. Good God was this shit bright. If you reached for the volume button on your remote, I would not have blamed you for the mistake.

Get ready for the Royal Rumble on Sunday. It should be fun…or severely disappointing. Kind of like the year Del Rio won.

Until next week!

January 21, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- 1/13/14

Wait…haven’t we seen this before?

Yep, John Cena’s dad was attacked last night by Randy Orton on Raw which I believe is the 11th or 12th time he has been assaulted on camera. One would think he is a relatively smart man and would stay far away from watching his son wrestle. Not because he is always attacked with faux punches and kicks but just for the reason of not watching his son wrestle. Most of the time it is hard to watch and I would prefer being actually punched in the throat.

But wait! What’s this?!

Cena had a good match last night. Not just a good match but a really good match with Damien Sandow. The same Sandow who beat the holy hell out of Cena only two weeks after his fifth miracle early comeback in October with chairs and ring steps. He then cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase and became only the second man to lose their match for the gold with the other being…yep, Cena. Even Cena gets return wins on MITB briefcase matches. But last night’s match was a good effort from both guys with Cena showing off some nifty new moves (that half-nelson neckbreaker was good) and Sandow getting a whoooole lot more offense than any match he has had with Khali over the past few weeks. You’re welcome.

Ryback kept trolling internet folks last night with his entrance. In case you missed it he went a bit Matt Hardy on Twitter this weekend putting up odd tweets that he had been released only to reveal it was for a traffic stop and played up the fact he gave Dolph Ziggler a (real life) concussion. He then promptly deleted his rage tweets and then tweeted that no one has deleted more tweets than him. Now we know the last fact is not true, that honor belongs to Kurt Angle and rightfully so.

Now either Ryback is just having some fun with trolling the trolls floating around on this giant porn-filled ship we call the worldwide web or…get ready for this…he is actually FUCKING NUTS. Rumors said that after he tweeted he was released that many were not surprised if it actually happened. And this guy was being set up to be “The Man” in 2012. Now he is tagging with Curtis “personality skips a generation” Axel.

The New Age Outlaws teamed up with CM Punk again after their great match with The Shield on last week’s Smackdown for a rematch. The crowd was hot for Punk/Outlaw team and the match was going just fine…until they pushed Punk off the stage in a dumpster (hypothetically speaking) and left him to face The Shield alone.

OH NO! It’s almost as if they are lifelong friends of HHH like Shawn Mich….ohhhhh. I get it.

Punk lost the match thanks to another Roman Reigns spear and got all up in Kane’s face backstage about having a problem with HHH. I smell a Pedigree and a 1-2-3 for Punk in April.

As I said, Reigns picked up another win on Punk and it is looking more and more likely that the WWE is going to hang their hat on him when The Shield breaks up and make him the Batista for this generation of PG WWE Network viewing. Whether you like it or not, you can’t deny that he is a talented big guy that can do stuff like this:

He’s like a 275 lb. flying Uso. Which makes sense seeing as they are related but DAMN was that sweet!

Del Rio, after getting his win back over Sin Hunico, picked up a win against Rey Mysterio further setting up the Mexican JBL to be destroyed by a returning Batista next week. The fun part about ADR and Batista getting together is that Del Rio seems to have actually pissed off Batista on Twitter when he made fun of the rider of buses lackluster MMA fight. Now we should get some extra stiff (giggity) action between these two.

Brock Lesnar was nowhere in sight when the Big Show wrestled Jack Swagger. By wrestle I mean completely squashed. Didn’t the WWE charged us $50 in 2009 for Big Show and Jack Swagger when Swagger was (somehow) WHC? Now we can watch it anytime we want on the WWE Network for only $10 a month, but why would you when you have WCW and ECW PPV’s to watch? Like sands through the hourglass.

Bray Wyatt, Daniel Bryan and The Usos opened and closed the show but that was not a big deal. The big deal was that Daniel Bryan finally, after months and months of being a member of The Wyatt family, broke free of his shackles. Wait, did I say months and months? I meant two or three weeks. Last night’s goatee liberation after such a short time just reaffirmed to me that The Wyatt Family/Daniel Bryan saga was meant as a punishment for the crowd reaction in Seattle last year that left HHH butthurt and it seemed like Bryan was being forced into a heel role because of it.

Welllll, small problem there. The fans would not allow it. They didn’t boo Bryan, they chanted NO to their favorite wrestler giving up. If anything it further solidified that he is going to be the man in WWE whether the higher-ups want it or not. So, last night, the mighty goat face attacked Bray Wyatt in the cage after The Usos had picked up the win. And the…crowd…went…fuck…nuts.

Jeeeesus Christ, what more does this company need to realize that we have sat through a decade of Cena and Orton and it is time to move on? How many WrestleMania’s over the past decade has Cena stood victorious over HHH, Michaels and The Rock to an indifferent crowd. WrestleMania is your Super Bowl. You don’t want that. Or maybe the WWE doesn’t care anymore and are truly in some kind of cruise control until Vince decides to go away.

Imagine the end of WrestleMania 30 with the crowd doing what you see above? One can dream. Don’t let that dream get too far because we will most likely be YES YES YES-ing all the way to another Undertaker win. Then we wonder why we do it. Then we turn on the TV the next night for more.

Until next week!

January 14, 2014