Tag: Cesaro

Money In The Bank 2014 Predictions

Hey, what do you know? A wrestling post. I know, I know. I am behind, but Money in the Bank is Sunday so I figured we would go through the card to see what will go down when all the lights are turned off and all the ladders have been broken.

Plus, there are only four matches announced so far, so this should be quick and relatively painless. Kind of like a sexual experience with me.

Let’s go!

1. Paige vs. Naomi for the Divas Championship

It is a sad thing to say that a Paige match is being used as the start of a Fuckadactyl (I meant to leave out the n) feud. Rumor is that Vince is not behind Paige because he doesn’t get her “look”. If by that he means he forgot what a woman with in-ring talent looks like, then he is right. This match will probably be given the spot of death right before the main event doing them no favors.

Winner: Paige when Cameron interferes and cost Naomi the match which makes the viewer believe Naomi can beat Paige, but we should never believe that. Ever.

2. The Usos vs. Eric Rowan and Luke Harper for the Tag Team Championships

With a card lacking matches this should be given plenty of time unlike the two quick singles matches on last week’s Raw. A Wyatt Family victory could bode well for Bray winning the MITB championship match and ending the night with a Wyatt sweep (which won’t happen, see later to see why). I would like to see a Clothesline from Smell (Copyright 2014- Matt Fowler) and a Wyatt win, but this looks like it will be another Jimmy superkick and Jey splash or Jey superkick and Jimmy splash finish. Who the hell knows, I can’t tell them apart.

Winner: The Usos by twinking finishing moves.

3. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. RVD vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match

After Raw I had three picks to win this match; Ambrose, Rollins or Barrett. Now it is down to two because thanks to the pot smoking clusterfuck that is Jack Swagger, Barrett was injured on Smackdown and may not even be in the match. RVD is there to make things look like they hurt, same for Ziggler. Swagger is there to bleed accidentally and hurt more people. And Kofi…I don’t know, affirmative action?

That leaves Rollins and Ambrose whose feud is one of the best things WWE has going. I am going with Rollins winning because it will help his character out better and I don’t think the WWE wants two faces winning both ladder matches (again, see next match).

Winner: Seth Rollins when he pulls a Damien Sandow from last year (match wise, not career wise, hopefully).

4. Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. Cesaro vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Kane vs. Roman Reigns in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match for the WWE Championship

I would love to wax poetic about the why’s and where’s, the who’s and what’s of this match. About how this should be an intriguing championship match with any number of winners. Cesaro proving Paul Heyman right when he says he is the greatest manager of all time, Bray Wyatt taking hold of the championship and the mind-bendingly good promos and matches that will come from it, Roman Reigns becoming the next “man” in the WWE.

But I don’t get to because it is almost guaranteed that Brock Lesnar is getting a title match next month at Summerslam against the winner of this match. That leaves two choices; Cesaro or John Cena. Cesaro winning would mean we get a match with the two biggest genetic freaks in the WWE and we would be left, mouths agape, at the strength shown.

Or…

WWE can give away the main event in a poster leak ruining any drama this ladder match would create.

Brock beating Cena will help matters because I am a huge Lesnar fan and Cena hater which is a great twofer if this is the Summerslam main event. It also means Cena would have his fifteenth (15!) championship run, one behind Ric Flair. Which also means we are one step closer to him passing Flair which will be the day I am done with wrestling after 30+ years.

June 27, 2014
WrestleMania 30 Recap

So anything interesting happen last night on Game of Thrones? I only ask because WWE had their own version of the Red Wedding at WrestleMania 30 with Undertaker playing the part of…well, anyone named Stark and Lesnar was the arrows and knives.

Before I get started full on there are two things I need to get out of the way:

1. This is not going to be in any order. My brain will jump around as it wants to. I don’t question the madness and neither should you.

2. I have no problem whatsoever with Brock Lesnar beating The Undertaker.

Now let me explain #2 to a greater degree. I have maintained for a year or two that a match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania should be used to elevate young talent. Not by them beating him, but by having a great match with him. Lesnar losing last night and even HHH’s third go-round last year with Taker gained them nothing. They were already made men. That is why I thought Lesnar was being wasted at this year’s show by having a match with Taker that he could not win.

Shows how much I know.

With Lesnar’s win last night, this cements his place in wrestling history. Like forever.

FOR-EV-ER

Giving a young guy the win over Taker makes no sense. You can not predict the future of the business. Maybe you give Roman Reigns the win and he becomes “the man who breaks The Streak”. What happens if two years down the road he becomes an afterthought like Bobby Lashley, MVP or Kennedy, who were all thought to be future faces of the company? You have just squandered The Streak for nothing.

With HBK retired and HHH going 0-3, this leaves only two viable options on the roster that should end The Streak: Brock Lesnar and John Cena.

These men are like Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24; they are the only ones that can shoulder the load of being the one who ended something legendary. When you get down to these two it becomes clear that Lesnar should be that guy. People either love him or hate him (and to Brock’s credit, he couldn’t give two shits about it), now that he has ended The Streak, wrestling fans can throw their complete hatred and ire towards him and guess what? He is fine with it.

But why can’t Cena be the guy?

Simple. He is the face of the WWE, whether we who hate him would like to admit. He is a decade-long brand and if he broke The Streak, that would very seriously threaten to take away the fans that have stayed true to him for ten years. Why would you even chance that? We keep waiting for this magical heel turn to make things right, but let’s come to the realization that it will not happen.

That only leaves Brock.

And here is the thing most people are forgetting; the only man that can ever really beat The Streak is The Undertaker. I am certain this was his call. If he chose the guy and he chose the place, then accept it and don’t forget that he wanted to end The Streak to Mark Henry at WrestleMania 22…so there is that big ass silver lining.

And now for something completely different.

Where The Undertaker losing felt like a funeral, the show ended as it should have with 75,000 people chanting “YES” as Daniel Bryan won the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And guess what? Both of his matches were great (as usual). How weird is it to have a champion that night in, night out will give you great matches whether it is on Raw, Smackdown or a PPV? Punk did that for the most part, but even he grew complacent and hum drum during his historic reign.

HHH showed a lot last night proving that he can still go with the young guys, which I kind of questioned after his past two matches with Taker. His match with Bryan went 25 minutes and it didn’t feel like it. Their styles meshed well together and the finish was super hot with HHH’s post-match beatdown of Bryan.

The main event was a masterstroke by WWE and all the guys involved. Batista, Orton and Bryan worked their asses off and brought the crowd back from the dead (too soon?) and had them in the palm of their hands during the last ⅓ of the match. The false finishes worked well especially with the HHH involvement and the short-lived Evolution comeback.

Side note: I don’t think there is enough Icy Hot on Earth to help Orton’s back after landing on that monitor.

Bryan holding both belts as the crowd lost their shit is that reason why we watch wrestling. That will stand next to Hogan slamming Andre, Warrior beating Hogan, Stone Cold passing out to Bret, all the Rock/Austin matches and all the other WrestleMania moments that are carved in our memory.

Bray Wyatt proved he will be a main guy for a looong time.

Not just because of that A-MAZ-ING entrance, but showing that he belonged in a big time match with Cena. Yes, Cena won. I know, I know. I oddly don’t have a problem with this because Bray gained a lot just from the feud and the match. And the spot where the fans sang while Bray conducted them…so great. We already know the type of match he can have with Daniel Bryan after their show-stealing performance at the Royal Rumble and now we know he can make a feud with Cena entertaining. Add this to his promos already being the best in the business and I will be following the buzzards for as long as they let me.

I am running long so I will hit a few quick points:

-The Shield did not break up (as I predicted). I kind of wished they had after only having a four minute match with Kane and the Outlaws. I know there is going to be one throwaway match on the card but how can the Divas be given ten minutes and the tag titles be on the pre-show and this be given so little time?

-Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Battle Royal was absolutely the right decision. Big Show is already…well, Big Show. Cesaro is one of those guys that looks to be one of a few in a generation, like Bryan or Wyatt, that you hang your hat on to be one of the next big things. How big can the Cesaro Section get? We are about to find out.

-The only reason I am even mentioning the Divas match is because AJ retained her title which is one of the two outcomes I wanted. The other? #Emmalution

Good point brought up last night by a friend: What if they are keeping the title on AJ to go past CM Punk’s 434 days as champion as a “f*** you” by having his girlfriend keep her title longer.

-The opening with Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock was better than all of last year’s WrestleMania. The night was going to be historic and that just set the tone.

Here are my Top 5 moments from WrestleMania 30:

1. Daniel Bryan leading 75,000 people in a “YES” chant as champion.

2. Brock Lesnar defeating The Undertaker.

3. The massive boner-iffic opening for wrestling fans with Hogan, Austin and Rock.

4. Cesaro throwing Big Show over the top rope and winning the battle royal

5. My reaction the Lesnar winning which consisted of my hands on my mouth letting out a muffled “Holy Shit” like Kenny from South Park.

And we still have tonight’s Raw!

April 7, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap February 17, 2014

Courtesy fansided

And with that, Cesaro swung his way into the lives of millions.

OK, truth be told, he has been using the swing for months and it is not even his most impressive one (see: Great Khali), but last night’s match with Cena was one of those star-making moments that you hope the WWE will take notice of.

But we know they won’t.

Sure, Cesaro beat Orton on Smackdown last week and gave Cena what was his best Raw match in over a year but we all know where this is heading. After the Chamber PPV he will be on Raw simply to show off the big swing and have some useless feud with Jack Swagger down the road. Hell, I would be surprised if he was even on the WrestleMania card. That is how the company works. Superstars with natural talents are told not to use them because it doesn’t fit their character or what any one of the higher ups think should be in a match. If my memory serves, that was one of Punk’s original grievances when he was on his way out the door in 2011.

SHORYUKEN!!

Still, nobody can take anything away from Cesaro, or even Cena, who held his own in that damn fine match. That was the kind of power vs. power display that made you get up on Saturday mornings as a kid, sit down with your bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and watch wrestling…at least until He-Man came on. I would actually say to go and find it online and give it a watch if you missed it and be amazed at Cesaro’s strength. Seriously, its like he drinks a Red Balls before he goes out there.

Daniel Bryan was given an out for losing at the PPV with his beatdown by Kane after he wrestled Christian, who is a heel now? I know the announcers were selling it as Christian being more aggressive because…wrestling, but he was in full-on 2011 “pissed at the world because he should be champ” mode. So there is that.

Word is that Christian is the latest superstar that is leaving once their contract is up so maybe he can have some fun as a heel before retiring. He is not happy about how he is being used and at the age of 40 he looks to just be going out to pasture when he leaves because God knows he would rather clamp his nuts in a hair iron than go back to TNA.

Roman Reigns took on Mark Henry and while I was not surprised he won, I was surprised that it was so quick. I am of the mind that I don’t want The Shield to go their separate ways (at least now) but I am having fun watching Ambrose slowly delve into madness over Reigns’ ascent. This is a rare situation where all three guys could be huge stars on their own.

BTW- how over is Reigns’ Superman punch and spear?

I won’t be watching the Elimination Chamber PPV this Sunday (at least to my knowledge) because it really is a weak card with the exception of The Shield vs. The Wyatts six-man tag. That, I would pay money to see, but not 50 bucks. I wish WWE would have thrown us a bone and had the PPV be free on WWE Network. But alas, they want one more big PPV payday before telling DirecTV and all the others to go f*** themselves.

I am still a little confused by the booking heading into Sunday with The Wyatts not absolutely squashing Team Mexico. For a team that captivates the audience and will, most likely, win on Sunday, the artists formerly known as Epico & Primo and Hunico Cara got way too much offense.

Raw was working with reverse momentum last night. The show started hot with all six chamber members then stayed up for Daniel Bryan through the Cena/Cesaro match then it was like someone let out a fart in an elevator. Maybe it was the after-effects of an actual great match on Raw and we didn’t know how to react?

It ended with Randy Orton vs. Sheamus and these two do not have the best luck with Raw matches since fans like to chant for Daniel Bryan during their previous two encounters. They didn’t have to worry about that here. They had CM Punk chants. Can’t make this stuff up. Luckily the show ended in a brawl and got the crowd on their feet.

Who can tell me whose brilliant idea it was to take the tag titles off of The Rhodes Brothers and make them sit at a kids table and sell WWE LEGO’s?? For Christ’s sake. Did I laugh? Yeah, because Goldust lends himself well to that kind of skit, but Jesus H., this was the team that beat The Shield for the belts and held them for months and were continually the best thing about Raw tag matches. I understand that The Usos are next in line to hold the user created belts with Spartan heads on them from WWE 12, but it would not have been a bad thing to have a face vs. face match. I would have loved to see The Rhodes and The Usos. Now, we get to see the VKM do their best to keep up with the superkick brothers.

Here is the card for the Elimination Chamber PPV on Sunday:

-Elimination Chamber for the WWE World Heavyweight Title (Cena/Orton/Bryan/Sheamus/Cesaro/Christian)

-The Wyatts vs. The Shield

-The Usos vs. New Age Outlaws for the Tag Team Titles

-Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio

-Big E. vs. Jack Swagger for the Intercontinental Title

-Darren Young vs. Titus O’Neil (yes this is on the PPV)

For those wondering The Rhodes Brothers are on the pre-show against Rybaxel. Yet, Titus O’Neil has a PPV match. Reminds me of the time I spent $45 for WCW Sin and had to watch…WCW Sin.

Next week is the big WWE Network kick-off Raw which will be free and should have a whole lot more going on than the PPV on Sunday. Lesnar will be back and the rumors are still strong that Taker and Hogan will be returning. With any luck we should start the full-on push to WrestleMania, and even if Raw sucks, we can all get on the WWE Network after and watch any old ECW PPV we want.

Till next week!

February 18, 2014