Atari Jaguar
-Because nothing says “reclaiming past glory” like a “64-bit” console with a controller that actually makes less sense than using a computer keyboard. Alien vs. Predator was admittedly awesome, but White Men Can’t Jump…
Magnavox Odyssey
-Gets obvious points for being the first home console, but loses them all for having no sound and controllers that looked like you could give ultrasounds with them.
Vectrex
-Because who doesn’t want their video game console to look like the TV screen in the chest of Robocop 2?
Philips CD-i
-Besides giving us the shittiest Zelda game ever and having a controller that looks like a double-sided dildo head, it retailed for $700…in 1991 money.
3DO
-The Steam Machine of the early 90’s. Made by multiple companies and way overpriced to compete in the home market, yet still sold 2 million consoles. Goldstar made one. GOLDSTAR!
Virtual Boy
-Imagine a 3DS that weighed 5 pounds, sat on a stand (because taping it to your head hurt, FYI), had two d-pads and could only be played in a red color that I can only imagine being used in futuristic dystopian societies to light our crime-ridden streets.
Sega Nomad
How awesome would a portable Genesis be? Pretty awesome if it didn’t have to use 6 AA batteries for five hours of play. Heat from the back of the unit may also scald children’s skin. Not a good PR move.