Category: Television
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WWE Hell In A Cell 2014 Predictions
Did you know there was a PPV on Sunday? It kind of sneaks up on you when WWE puts everything on cruise control until Royal Rumble or February when WWE Network subscriptions are up for renewal.
Hell in a Cell has always seemed like one of two PPV’s, along with Extreme Rules, that need to change in the TV-PG environment WWE has now. I don’t need blade jobs left and right, but it is hard to put on matches that advertise brutality, but can’t actually show it.
-The Miz vs. Sheamus for the United States Championship
Let’s be honest. I will be watching this match for Damien Mizdow, who has taken what should have been a last resort before being “future endeavored” and made it one of the only entertaining things in WWE. The Miz is better served in his role with a title and a win here will get us a step closer to the eventual Miz vs. Mizdow feud.
Winner- The Miz with the help of his better half.
-Paige vs. AJ for the Divas Championship
You would think I would be tiring of this feud by now. Nope. When these are the only two Divas who can put on good matches on a consistent basis, I have no problem with a third title match. Paige joining Total Divas (NOOOOOOOOOO) tells me all I need to know about this match. Let’s hope Charlotte will make her way to Raw next year to add another piece to the Divas division puzzle that only has two pieces connected.
Winner- AJ by submission that will hopefully be a GIF the next day. For research purposes.
-Rusev vs. Big Show
Rusev seems like he should be way bigger than he is now. WWE has spent a Russian shitload (that is four pallets of vodka) of time on him. He has a winning streak that will probably go to WrestleMania when Cena goes all “WrestleMania VII Hogan” on him. Here we are seven months away and I don’t know how they can keep it up. Where do they take him after this feud?
Winner- In Mother Russia, match wrestles you.
-Nikki vs. Brie
Remember how Brie and Stephanie at Summerslam had the crowd caring? Forget all that. Actually, seems like WWE wants you to forget a lot about Summerslam. Didn’t Cena wrestle? No? Weird. Seems like he did. Loser of this match has to be the winner’s slave for a month or something like that. I fast-forward Raw whenever they are on. They could be wrestling for a chance to be Cena’s sack shaver for all I know.
Winner- Ummm, Nikki.
Loser- Daniel Bryan, for reasons.
-Goldust & Stardust vs. The Usos for the Tag Team Championship
I want to want this match. Kind of hard when they wrestle each other every week on Raw. Wrestling used to have a thing called buildup, where wrestlers would have matches with other people while cutting promos on the wrestlers they were feuding with. Perhaps some match interference would happen, then when came time for the match, you have created the desire to want to watch it. That used to be fun.
Winner- Goldust & Stardust because I am still convinced we will see Gwildor before the Cosmic Key stuff is finished.
-Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler in a Two out of Three Falls Match for the Intercontinental Championship
No match preview shot yet because this is announced tonight on Smackdown, thus the snazzy picture. I fully expect this to compete with Ambrose/Rollins for match of the night. Ziggler’s popularity is great to see every week because I know it kills some higher ups. Cesaro will show off his strength and Ziggler will sell everything like only he can. This pick is up in the air for me because I think both guys need the title right now.
Winner- Cesaro by making Ziggler look like a bomb went off in the ring.
-John Cena vs. Randy Orton
I will let Vaas from Far Cry 3 explain my thoughts here.
Winner- John Cena because, why the fuck not?
-Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose
Whether this match goes on last or not, it is the main event in my head. Rollins has been going back and forth with Ambrose since he turned on The Shield in the summer. While Ambrose has one-upped him a few times, he has yet to pick up a win against his former partner. This match should be different. Ambrose hasn’t had his big win yet since The Shield split unlike Rollins and Reigns. It’s coming (not painted on a woman’s pregnant stomach).
Winner- Ambrose hits the double arm DDT (is it still Dirty Deeds?). I will call it the Tittie Drop.
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2015 Royal Rumble Will Be 40 Entrants. Take A Number And Have A Seat
A big announcement was made at the Smackdown tapings from Philadelphia. The 2015 Royal Rumble (that will be in Philly) would include 40 wrestlers instead of 30. This was done once before in 2011 when Alberto Del Rio won.
I said a big announcement, maybe above average works more.
Anyway, now that we have ten extra guys in the match let’s begin speculation as to who will show up.
-Bushwacker Luke
-Snitsky
-Bork Laser (not Brock, an actual wrestler named Bork Laser)
-El Dandy
-Drew Carey
-JTG
-Shelton Benjamin (as he and Kofi will look amazing then be eliminated)
-the entire TNA roster (they will need jobs after December)
-Mikey Whipwreck
-Kathy Lee and Hoda
-Key & Peele (as Bismo Funyuns and Quiznatodd Bidness)
-anyone from NXT to make the middle of the match interesting
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WWE Night Of Champions 2014 Predictions
Piece of advice: Do not watch NXT Takeover Fatal Four-Way before watching Night of Champions. Only disappointment will follow.
-The Usos vs. Goldust & Stardust for the Tag Team Championships
Many think The Usos should have dropped the belts to The Wyatts back in the summer. I am one of them. The Wyatts were the hottest thing going and just like WWE always does, they missed the boat and now Harper and Rowan are stuck in neutral. So now we have the newly heel Goldust and Stardust that we already know are gold (sorry) when it comes to carrying the tag titles. It is time for new tag champs and Dusty’s kids are due another run.
Winner: Goldust and Stardust when Marlena hits an Uso with her high heel.
-Paige vs. AJ vs. Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship
All that time wasted on the Bella Twins has come to fruition. Brie finally gets a title shot for some reason and since WWE knows even Paige can’t wrestle a Nikki broomstick, they added AJ to make it watchable. This should be an easy way for Paige to retain her title without pinning AJ again, but the way their feud is going, somebody wants to be pinned. See, that’s the kind of jokes you get when you try to do a TV-PG semi-lesbian angle.
Winner: Paige by painful (and sexy) submission on Nikki.
-Mark Henry vs. Rusev
The feud so large and well done that it took the main event of RAW to prove to everyone that…wait, the main event of RAW?! I am still convinced Brock’s flight home left early and they switched the show around and this happened. Henry will be the last one offered up to Rusev before Super Cena comes in to save America from the horrible people expressing free speech. I can’t count how many fucks I don’t give about Cena and Rusev.
Winner: Rusev by some nefarious means to make Henry look good in losing. Blame Canada.
-Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz for the Intercontinental Championship
I initially shook my head at Damien Sandow being Miz’s stunt double. Boy, was I wrong about that. It has been the best part about this feud for the past few weeks. R-Ziggler is something else, though. Not in the good way. I picked Miz to retain at Summerslam and was wrong, let’s go two for two.
Winner: The Miz with the help of Damien Mizdow.
-Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton
When Randy Orton attacked Jericho on RAW I thought it was to get Jericho off TV and set up a possible WrestleMania match next year. Looks like I was two weeks ahead of schedule. Jericho’s short-term deal is almost done so I am thinking this ends with a punt to the head so Jericho can go podcast and sing with no distraction until early 2015.
Winner: Randy Orton with a punt because of his made up disorder about anger issues. God, remember how horrible that was before WrestleMania 25?
-Sheamus vs. Cesaro for the U.S. Championship
The U.S. title is becoming a non-wrestling belt. Whenever someone wins it, they never defend it. Dean Ambrose and now Sheamus have probably defended it less than ten times in a year and a half. I am thinking this trend continues. Sheamus doesn’t need a title to come out and yell “fella”, kick people in the face and be over. This should be Cesaro’s turn to have a belt for awhile to prove to people he is still there, even though it won’t be defended.
Winner: Cesaro wins a title! (YAY) That doesn’t matter enough to get defended on a regular basis. (BOO)
-Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins
If this looks familiar it is because Reigns pinned Rollins on RAW last Monday BEFORE their PPV match. Doing PPV matches again is no new thing, but the catch here is that they are normally done after the PPV match thus the name rematch. Now the PPV match is the rematch. After thinking on it a few days this seems like a Dean Ambrose return party. Reigns will get the best of Rollins, The Authority will come in and then Ambrose will spray his crazy personality everywhere. I meant for it to sound like it did.
Winner: Roman Reigns by DQ. Then, Tittie Master makes the save.
-Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
The problem inherent with doing a rematch from the Summerslam destruction of John Cena was apparent when Cena returned to RAW only eight days later fine and dandy, ready for more. For every step forward WWE takes, they turn around and run back about 37 steps. Cena should have stayed off RAW completely until the PPV, building up the story of can Cena come back from the mauling at Summerslam? Will he show up at the PPV? How is his mental state after Lesnar took him out so easily?
You know, storytelling.
I forgot WWE lost that art a long time ago. Instead we have Cena show up to tell Hall of Famers how they are wrong to bet against him, destroy The Wyatts and then take the fight to Lesnar like nothing happened last month. If it was possible for someone to bat .000, WWE is definitely doing it.
For the match itself, I expect a more competitive offering like I was expecting at Summerslam before WWE put my hopes and dreams on display. I give them credit for that awesome moment, but it still is not payment enough for a decade of Super Cena. We will see him get his normal beatdown, then hulk up, hit a clothesline and leg drop. Whatever. You know the deal by now. Even after all the Cena, Lesnar will still end up F5’ing him for the win. WWE can not invest as much as they have in him to squander this opportunity.
Winner: Brock Lesnar continues mounting his competitors like he mounts his wife. I miss Brock UFC promos.
Piece of advice: Do not watch NXT Takeover Fatal Four-Way before watching Night of Champions. Only disappointment will follow.
