Category: Media

Cinematic Batman: Worst To First- Part One

In case you did not know (or haven’t been beaten over the head with it by DC) 2014 is Batman’s 75th birthday. He is still looking spry for an older gent and continues to kick ass every month in multiple comics.

This isn’t about comics though, this is about the Caped Crusader’s cinematic adventures which range from the genre-defining to the mind-retarding. Who else can claim that?

Superman, damn.

What is it with DC movie properties?

9. Batman & Robin

Let’s start off with the obvious low point. Batman Forever made more money than Returns and Warner was filled with hard-ons for more Batman. Joel Schumacher came back to direct and since Val Kilmer was a massive douche to deal with, they got fresh-out-of-the-E.R. George Clooney to play Batman. Uma Thurman was cast as Poison Ivy because she could look cool doing the Batusi and make Janeane Garofalo bearable in a romantic comedy. Then, Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze because…why the fuck not?

What was released was a cinematic abortion that almost killed the movie franchise of the most popular comic book character in the last thirty years. Bat nipples, bat asses, bat crotches, ice puns, Alicia Silverstone trying to fit in a bat suit even though she is nowhere near the size she was in Clueless. Why was Poison Ivy working with Freeze who wanted to cover the world in ice? Wouldn’t that be detrimental to plants? Maybe? The Bat credit card, bat skates, Bane in a gorilla suit, trying to make us believe that Vivica A. Fox is actually beautiful. This movie is a 90 minute long nut kick.

I will give Schumacher credit for being honest and saying that the studio pressured him to lighten up the movie to sell toys, making it essentially a bad movie. Your honesty is appreciated. Too late, but appreciated.

8. Batman Forever

Remember the summer of 1995? Weren’t we all kissed by a rose on the gray? We were getting a new Batman and we had a love song with a man who looked like he had lost a fight with a broken beer bottle to tell us. Michael Keaton and Tim Burton could not come to terms with Warner for a follow-up to Returns, so Warner let Batman be the new James Bond. Keep the series going with a new actor playing the role. The plan lasted two movies, just 21 short of the James Bond franchise.

Val Kilmer took over the role of Batman fresh off of his amazing performance in Tombstone. If only he could have acted like Doc Holliday the entire movie.

“Nygma, I’m your huckleberry”.

SOLD!

It gets credit for bringing Robin into the mix, even though he looks like he is 27, making the orphan stuff harder to take. Making Dick act like a pissy Jason Todd was also annoying.

Tommy Lee Jones decided to take his Oscar from The Fugitive a few years earlier and forget all the acting ability that won it for him. Instead, he did his best Jack Nicholson as Two-Face. His partner in crime was Fire Marshall Bill, I mean Jim Carrey as The Riddler. Together they team-up to rob Gotham’s jewelry stores and let Riddler suck everyone’s thoughts or brain power or something. As the movie progresses, Carrey wears tighter unitards revealing more and more of his balls. If it had been a half hour longer he would have just had a tattoo put on his body of a question mark with his balls being the period.

The rub about Batman Forever is that it is not a bad movie. Do not let that sentence fool you. That does not say it is a good movie. It says it is not a bad one. I can see what Schumacher was going for. He was transitioning Burton’s darker tone of the first two to his own love of all things neon.

7. Batman Begins

While Batman & Robin may not have been a franchise killer (you can only say that if it was the last Batman movie), it damn sure put him on the shelf for eight years. Luckily Warner liked the vision director Christopher Nolan showed for a reboot. Think of Warner executives (who I am assuming are not Batman experts) greenlighting a movie with no Joker, no Penguin, no Two-Face. Rather, Ra’s al Ghul and Scarecrow would be the villains, as well as the star of American Psycho being Batman. For a comic fan that is awesome, but for movie execs, that showed a set of balls.

Don’t get me wrong, Begins does have some wear on it after nine years (NINE…shit). Katie Holmes was the weakest part of the movie when it came out and time has not done her any favors, especially when you compare it to Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight. Being a Scarecrow lover I wish Cillian Murphy had more to do instead of being Ra’s’ bitch. Minor things.

After Batman & Robin we really should have considered ourselves lucky we got another Batman movie at all. The fact we got a good start to a great trilogy of films means we hit the Batman lotto scratch card bonus.

6. Batman: The Movie

Yeah, it is this high. My list, my rules. Batman: The Movie was released after the first season of the Batman ‘66 series and has The Joker, Catwoman, Riddler and Penguin teaming up to…do something. Who the hell knows? It is all about dehydrating people into dust and being able to rehydrate them to human form because, science.

Adam West is his pervy best as he puts the moves on Catwoman, who is acting like a Russian journalist. When he thinks her dead he threatens to kill all of the bad guys. Yep, Bruce wasn’t fucking around when it came to Russian tail. I can’t say I blame him, Lee Meriwether always gave me weird below the belt feelings when I was a kid so I could associate with his anger.

If only we could figure out the formula for his shark repellant spray.

Plus, can we not agree that this is one of the greatest scenes in Batman history?

5. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Batman: The Animated Series, to me, will always be the quintessential version of the character on TV or the big screen. Bruce Timm, Paul Dini and the host of other writers combined with the finest voice cast assembled to bring Batman to younger audiences and influenced a generation of future comic book writers. The only theatrical release of TAS was every bit as good as the best episodes in the series’ three year run.

What Mask of the Phantasm does is something no movie version of Batman has done successfully: told a love story with Bruce Wayne that is as good as the Batman story. It almost makes me wish we could get a real version of Andrea Beaumont someday, but I know the character would just be screwed up. Leave well enough alone.

Our children could only be so lucky to get a version of Batman half as good as this. Luckily all 85 episodes and Mask of the Phantasm are available on DVD. Parent the shit out of them about Batman.

And so ends Part One of our list. Discuss what are your favorite Batman movies below and keep an eye out for Part Two coming soon!

July 23, 2014
WWE Battleground 2014 Predictions

Normally if the WWE tried to run two PPV’s a month I would ask what the big rush is for? Money in the Bank was earlier this month and we already have Battleground this Sunday with Summerslam two weeks after that. But with the WWE Network, they can do one every week for all I care. Ten bucks a month beats $55 a pop every single time.

No, I don’t work for WWE although I could see why you would think that with my glowing endorsement of the network.

The lead up to Battleground has been by the numbers like it is an afterthought of a PPV. The thing that WWE is failing to realize is that it is a better card than Money in the Bank a few weeks ago. Predictable, yes, but more for a wrestling fan to enjoy.

1. Naomi vs. Cameron

Now I obviously wasn’t talking about this match when I said that last statement. No one gives any amount of fucks about this match besides Naomi, Cameron, their families and Brodus Clay who has to be wondering why these two have jobs and he doesn’t. It’s not the fact they have tits, Brodus had plenty of those.

Winner- Naomi with a funktastic Funkadactyl finish. Whatever. Let’s move on.

2. Jack Swagger vs. Rusev

The way you can tell if a character is over is by how quickly the audience accepts their opponents. The fact it took Jack Swagger’s music to hit during a Rusev promo to turn him face proves this. I like the slow build of Rusev. Instead of throwing him into the main event (to lose to Cena), they are moving him though the roster at a believable pace. When he does get a big time main event feud, he will be more believable as a threat (then lose to Cena).

Winner- Rusev locks in The Accolade while I act like I am not staring at Lana’s breasts.

3. Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

Don’t worry, Seth’s “injury” from Monday is clearly a work. The announcers made it too clear that he could have messed his knee up. This could be to even the playing field with Ambrose’s shoulder problems or just give Rollins an excuse for a loss. This should be a fun match which means it will get five minutes less than it needs.Seth got his big win at Money in the Bank, Ambrose should go over here. I would let this carry over to Summerslam with a ladder match for Seth’s briefcase. Your welcome, WWE.

Winner- Ambrose by Dirty Deeds with his tongue hanging out.

4. Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal

This match has too many guys to name. Let’s just say there are guys that are pushed too much, guys that are not pushed enough and Epico and Primo acting like they control a midget bull. I have four guys that will win this match and no, not one of them is Ziggler. Sheamus, Cesaro, The Miz and Bo Dallas. The Miz winning would give his return the boost it needs now that he is a heel again. Cesaro could use the title to show that the WWE has not forgotten about Wrestlemania already (even though they probably have). Sheamus should not win because that means WWE wants to combine the IC and U.S. titles and that is kid in the helmet retarded. That leaves Bo Dallas who can use the title to inspire those around him to aim higher and be better.

Winner- Bo Dallas becomes the most inspirational champion ever. Bolieve!

5. The Usos vs. The Wyatts in a 2 out of 3 falls match for the Tag Team Championship

I am saying this with ease; this will be the match of the night. These four guys have shown that when they have the time, they can put on a show. Add in a fun stipulation like 2 out of 3 falls and let’s get ready for more Harpercanrannas!

The Wyatts have been the best tag team over the past few months and The Usos will still be at the top of the division so losing the titles here isn’t a bad thing.

Winner- The Wyatts via Clothesline from Smell (copyright- Matt Fowler)

6. AJ vs. Paige for the Divas Championship

What a difference a month makes. After begging for Paige to have competition since Wrestlemania, AJ returns and wins back the Divas title. Now, instead of the long list of don’t care divas, we have a divas match on a PPV that I actually care about. Add in the whole “frienemy” angle between the two of them that is both fun and slightly arousing (honesty, oops).

Winner- AJ because I want to see a full Paige heel turn.

7. Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt

Jericho is everything that is right about wrestling. He has his own life without being Y2J, but he comes back every now and then. Here is what makes him the best; he comes back to work with guys that he knows he can have a good feud with and he puts them over. Yeah, he is the anti-Nash/Hogan/any top guy from the 90’s. This was just what Bray Wyatt needed after his feud with Cena went on too long. Both can claim great mic skills and both can bring it in the ring. You would think Jericho would win here leading to Bray getting a bigger win at Summerslam, but as I said, Jericho doesn’t care about wins and losses.

Winner- Bray Wyatt seals it with a kiss.

8. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. John Cena in a Fatal Four Way Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

People are excited to see one out of four of these guys in the main event. Could it be the guy that has not been a constant for the past 10+ years? The magic 8-ball says: No shit. We all know where Summerslam is heading with the poster leaking weeks ago with John Cena and Brock Lesnar on it. I think this will be a decent match with three guys giving serviceable performances and one showing that he wants to be in the main event. Take a guess.

And for those who think Paul Heyman’s “Plan C” is CM Punk; I wish I could be happy in this weird form of bliss you live in. Punk is too busy doing anything he wants which includes AJ, why would he even want to come back?

Winner- John Cena, which still will be a surprise to some people. I know, I know.

July 18, 2014
Hulk Hogan Was The Third Man- 18 Years Ago Today

It was 18 years ago today that Hulk Hogan turned on his fans and formed the N.W.O. with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. How time flies when you have tried to erase the last decade of John Cena from your brain.

Call it what you will. Wrestling’s Pearl Harbor (too soon?), the night that changed wrestling forever, whatever you want, just remember what it used to be like to be a wrestling fan in the late 90’s.

Why hasn’t Toby Keith done a song about this yet?

If this is Pearl Harbor does that mean Cena passing Flair’s championship reigns will be 9/11 (still too soon?)?

July 7, 2014
Review: Slight Return

http://youtu.be/H7DpVAJjfcQ
All honesty up front about this review- I have a small part in it. So I am reviewing this with some bias. It would be a complete lie to say I could do so otherwise.

In 1999, two teenagers made a crime drama called Revolver Action. It was a VHS wonder that would never see the light of day beyond the family and friends who were involved with it.

Behold the power on the internet!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKfkQVsjYaM

Very rough, yet who am I to judge? I never made a movie in my teenage years. They have a one-up on me (and maybe you) there.

Now fifteen years later the events of Revolver Action come back to haunt Cain and Whitey when their former associate Mr. Fat is killed and they learn that the brother of the man they betrayed is out for revenge.

Helped out by a former F.B.I. agent, they work their way through anybody that knows where the man threatening their families lives is hiding as he plans his vengeance.

If you take the time to watch Revolver Action you will see how much better Slight Return looks and feels. The cuts and wipes are well done and you can’t beat the soundtrack. The montage in the middle of the film should have you smiling even if you had nothing to do with this film.

I wish there could have been a bit more exposition spent on Michael’s character exploring more of his ruthlessness. While the body count is high, Michael could have had a few more bloody kills to add to his vengeful nature in the film. Who knows, maybe there is a third brother hanging around out there?

I don’t know if they filmed Revolver Action with a sequel in mind, but now that one has come and the story has been expanded, I would not mind seeing more from Cain and Whitey, even though they are “done”.

I said I would review this movie without any bias, but I simply can’t. I won’t blow smoke up your ass and say this movie is anything more than it is. There are flaws, yes, but there is also a lot of hard work involved and the finished product came out (to me) enjoyable as hell.

I hope you will give Slight Return a watch and tell us what you think about it. It runs only 45 minutes and if you have seen all three Transformers movies you have used nine hours of your life for that, spend 45 minutes giving this a try and leave your comments below.

And watch the outtakes after the movie is over. There may or may not be a True Detective bit.

NERD RATING- ~~7.5~~ 8.5 (sorry, it gets a bump because, reasons)

June 28, 2014
Money In The Bank 2014 Predictions

Hey, what do you know? A wrestling post. I know, I know. I am behind, but Money in the Bank is Sunday so I figured we would go through the card to see what will go down when all the lights are turned off and all the ladders have been broken.

Plus, there are only four matches announced so far, so this should be quick and relatively painless. Kind of like a sexual experience with me.

Let’s go!

1. Paige vs. Naomi for the Divas Championship

It is a sad thing to say that a Paige match is being used as the start of a Fuckadactyl (I meant to leave out the n) feud. Rumor is that Vince is not behind Paige because he doesn’t get her “look”. If by that he means he forgot what a woman with in-ring talent looks like, then he is right. This match will probably be given the spot of death right before the main event doing them no favors.

Winner: Paige when Cameron interferes and cost Naomi the match which makes the viewer believe Naomi can beat Paige, but we should never believe that. Ever.

2. The Usos vs. Eric Rowan and Luke Harper for the Tag Team Championships

With a card lacking matches this should be given plenty of time unlike the two quick singles matches on last week’s Raw. A Wyatt Family victory could bode well for Bray winning the MITB championship match and ending the night with a Wyatt sweep (which won’t happen, see later to see why). I would like to see a Clothesline from Smell (Copyright 2014- Matt Fowler) and a Wyatt win, but this looks like it will be another Jimmy superkick and Jey splash or Jey superkick and Jimmy splash finish. Who the hell knows, I can’t tell them apart.

Winner: The Usos by twinking finishing moves.

3. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. RVD vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match

After Raw I had three picks to win this match; Ambrose, Rollins or Barrett. Now it is down to two because thanks to the pot smoking clusterfuck that is Jack Swagger, Barrett was injured on Smackdown and may not even be in the match. RVD is there to make things look like they hurt, same for Ziggler. Swagger is there to bleed accidentally and hurt more people. And Kofi…I don’t know, affirmative action?

That leaves Rollins and Ambrose whose feud is one of the best things WWE has going. I am going with Rollins winning because it will help his character out better and I don’t think the WWE wants two faces winning both ladder matches (again, see next match).

Winner: Seth Rollins when he pulls a Damien Sandow from last year (match wise, not career wise, hopefully).

4. Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. Cesaro vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Kane vs. Roman Reigns in a Money in the Bank Ladder Match for the WWE Championship

I would love to wax poetic about the why’s and where’s, the who’s and what’s of this match. About how this should be an intriguing championship match with any number of winners. Cesaro proving Paul Heyman right when he says he is the greatest manager of all time, Bray Wyatt taking hold of the championship and the mind-bendingly good promos and matches that will come from it, Roman Reigns becoming the next “man” in the WWE.

But I don’t get to because it is almost guaranteed that Brock Lesnar is getting a title match next month at Summerslam against the winner of this match. That leaves two choices; Cesaro or John Cena. Cesaro winning would mean we get a match with the two biggest genetic freaks in the WWE and we would be left, mouths agape, at the strength shown.

Or…

WWE can give away the main event in a poster leak ruining any drama this ladder match would create.

Brock beating Cena will help matters because I am a huge Lesnar fan and Cena hater which is a great twofer if this is the Summerslam main event. It also means Cena would have his fifteenth (15!) championship run, one behind Ric Flair. Which also means we are one step closer to him passing Flair which will be the day I am done with wrestling after 30+ years.

June 27, 2014
Empire Covers For Guardians Of The Galaxy, Plus A Surprise At The End

Empire Magazine has revealed their covers for Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. The first features the heroes Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), Drax (Dave Bautista), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) and Groot (Vin Diesel).

The second cover shows three of the film’s villains which you may not be aware of. They are Korath (Djimon Hounsou), Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace) and Nebula (Karen Gillan).

Guardians of the Galaxy releases on August 1st.

Now, for you Doctor Who fans, here is a selfie of Karen Gillan as advertisement for her new series, aptly named, Selfie.

You’re welcome.

June 23, 2014
The Interview Trailer One-Ups Dennis Rodman, Sends Rogen & Franco To North Korea

Here is the first trailer for The Interview starring Seth Rogen and James Franco as a talk show host and producer that want to interview Kim Jong-Un to show they are real reporters. Before they leave they are given a mission by the CIA to assassinate the dictator.

I am assuming Rogen and Franco fear no man with them taking on the Mound Round of Pyongtown. I imagine this being in the vein of Spies Like Us, only funny.

The Interview releases on October 10th.

June 12, 2014
Batman Vs. Superman Gets An Official Title

Now everyone that writes about this movie for the next two years can stop using the popular “untitled Batman vs. Superman movie” because Zack Snyder’s team-up film that will lead into Justice League has an official title; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Good thing they already announced that Justice League is coming after this, otherwise the internet would be exploding right now because of the subtitle. As far as titles go…it works. Don’t get me wrong I am super ready for this damn movie and I am in the camp that thinks that Ben Affleck is going to own his role, but the title reads like a studio think tank idea.

Of course Justice League 0.5 wouldn’t have worked as well.

The untitled Batm…had to catch myself there.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will release on May 6, 2016.

May 21, 2014
Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, May 5, 2014

There are a few certainties after Sunday’s Extreme Rules PPV and last night’s Raw:

1. The Shield can not have a bad six-man tag match…ever.

2. HHH may get a bad rap, but he is the best in-ring talent in Evolution by a mile, even over Orton.

3. Adam Rose will be HUGE!*

*Assuming WWE doesn’t fu** up his character, which they most likely will.

I can’t help it. I am a Rosebud. The artist formerly known as Leo Kruger is another addition from NXT that I hope catches on with the “average” fan. His entrance is just the icing on the cake. Yes, he is doing a wrestling version of Russell Brand, but he is doing it damn well.

Let’s all bow our heads as Christina Aguilera sings Ave Maria for Dean Ambrose’s U.S. Title reign. He doesn’t defend it for most of the year, then after a face turn, he defends it in multiple matches and loses it in a 20-man battle royal.

Lesson of the day kids: it is always more fun to be the bad guy.

Evolution may be a mystery, but Batista’s beard being awesome is not.

It looks like we are heading for Evolution vs. The Shield numero dos at Payback. Which you would think Evolution would win because WWE is all about swapping wins, but Hollywood Dave will be packing up his beard, tights, and skinny jeans after Payback to promote Guardians of the Galaxy. Would it be good for The Shield to drop the match to a team that won’t be on Raw for over two months?

Negative, Ghost Rider.

It seems the initial plan was for Batista to feud with Daniel Bryan and lose at Payback, but Drax put the squash on that. He felt that losing clean at WrestleMania and then again at Payback right before he went to promote Guardians was not the best thing for him…and I agree. He is not The Rock. His movie career is about to take off so I have no problem with him protecting his character a bit. He is signed for another year and a half, there is plenty of time for a feud with Bryan.

Side note- Here is a breakdown of reasons I like Rusev. 60%- Lana, 30%- Lana’s legs, 10%- the inexplicable boner I get whenever Lana yells “CRUSH!” when she closes her fist.

Is WWE trying to use Rusev to rid the roster of the unused minority talent? Not a conspiracy theory, just an observation. Xavier Woods, R-Truth and now Kofi. Is he Russian or a racist? Next thing you know they will put Donald Sterling in his Titantron along with Putin. I actually would not put it past WWE to try and use the Sterling stuff in a story. Let’s not forget this is the company that had Randy Orton talk about Eddie Guerrero burning in hell a month after he died.

Why couldn’t Cesaro just beat RVD clean? He did at the PPV. Are they protecting RVD in some way? We have seen him lose to everyone in his career. I know he is only here for three months at a time, but losing to Cesaro two nights in a row is not a bad thing.

Cesaro’s music is slowly growing on me. I was not a fan the first few times I heard it, but like working with someone who wears too much Axe Body Spray, it becomes easier to handle. Although I do still miss his Swiss rap theme.

Daniel Bryan’s year has been uplifting highs and horrible lows. Winning the title at Wrestlemania was one of the most memorable moments in thirty years of the show, then he loses his father only a week later in some kind of My Name is Earl twist of karma and now his feud with Kane can only be described as laughable.

I am not comparing the feud with the death of his father, but it is not what he needs right now. He made it through Extreme Rules and from all I have heard (still have not seen the match) had a great Extreme Rules match with Kane. To extend this feud another month tells me a few things:

1. They had no other plan ready after Batista pulled out of the feud.

2. WWE is trying to see if fans will follow Bryan through a bad program/trying to sabotage his reign. Pick one…or both.

3. They are secretly filming See No Evil 2 and we have no idea.

It is a bit eerie how this is the way Benoit’s title reign went after he won at WrestleMania XX. He beat HHH, feuded with Kane, then lost at Summerslam, which I expect Bryan to do. Let’s just hope for Brie’s sake Bryan doesn’t own a Bowflex.

This is not Raw related, but I did want to mention something I think TNA got right (for once) and that is Eric Young winning the TNA title. Yes, it smells of another TNA copycat story with Young being their bearded wonder like Daniel Bryan, but I have been a longtime EY fan and he deserves a run. Fans have supported him through every insane story he has been a part of over the last decade. Really, if any other wrestler had to do some of the things he had they would have quit.

Let’s not forget that EY did have the finger pointing in the air before Bryan. Because now that he is champion, you really “Don’t Fire Eric”.

Till next week!

May 6, 2014
Weekend Box Office- May 2-4, 2014

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, yada yada yada. You know how it goes.

While Spidey did not beat Captain America: The Winter Soldier’s take last month, it brought in $92 million which is $30 million more than the reboot grossed in its opening weekend two years ago. Sony should feel confident about their future plans with Spider-Man and his expanded universe. In three weeks the film has grossed $369 million worldwide.

1. The Amazing Spider-Man 2- $92.0 million/ $92.0 million

2. The Other Woman- $14.2/ $47.3

3. Heaven is for Real- $8.7/ $65.6

4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier- $7.7/ $237.1

5. Rio 2- $7.6/ $106.4

6. Brick Mansions- $3.5/ $15.4

7. Divergent $2.1/ $142.6

8. The Quiet Ones- $2.0

9. The Grand Budapest Hotel- $1.6/ $51.5

10. God’s Not Dead- $1.7/ $55.5

May 5, 2014