Category: Media

Piece of advice: Do not watch NXT Takeover Fatal Four-Way before watching Night of Champions. Only disappointment will follow.

-The Usos vs. Goldust & Stardust for the Tag Team Championships

Many think The Usos should have dropped the belts to The Wyatts back in the summer. I am one of them. The Wyatts were the hottest thing going and just like WWE always does, they missed the boat and now Harper and Rowan are stuck in neutral. So now we have the newly heel Goldust and Stardust that we already know are gold (sorry) when it comes to carrying the tag titles. It is time for new tag champs and Dusty’s kids are due another run.

Winner: Goldust and Stardust when Marlena hits an Uso with her high heel.

-Paige vs. AJ vs. Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship

All that time wasted on the Bella Twins has come to fruition. Brie finally gets a title shot for some reason and since WWE knows even Paige can’t wrestle a Nikki broomstick, they added AJ to make it watchable. This should be an easy way for Paige to retain her title without pinning AJ again, but the way their feud is going, somebody wants to be pinned. See, that’s the kind of jokes you get when you try to do a TV-PG semi-lesbian angle.

Winner: Paige by painful (and sexy) submission on Nikki.

-Mark Henry vs. Rusev

The feud so large and well done that it took the main event of RAW to prove to everyone that…wait, the main event of RAW?! I am still convinced Brock’s flight home left early and they switched the show around and this happened. Henry will be the last one offered up to Rusev before Super Cena comes in to save America from the horrible people expressing free speech. I can’t count how many fucks I don’t give about Cena and Rusev.

Winner: Rusev by some nefarious means to make Henry look good in losing. Blame Canada.

-Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz for the Intercontinental Championship

I initially shook my head at Damien Sandow being Miz’s stunt double. Boy, was I wrong about that. It has been the best part about this feud for the past few weeks. R-Ziggler is something else, though. Not in the good way. I picked Miz to retain at Summerslam and was wrong, let’s go two for two.

Winner: The Miz with the help of Damien Mizdow.

-Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton

When Randy Orton attacked Jericho on RAW I thought it was to get Jericho off TV and set up a possible WrestleMania match next year. Looks like I was two weeks ahead of schedule. Jericho’s short-term deal is almost done so I am thinking this ends with a punt to the head so Jericho can go podcast and sing with no distraction until early 2015.

Winner: Randy Orton with a punt because of his made up disorder about anger issues. God, remember how horrible that was before WrestleMania 25?

-Sheamus vs. Cesaro for the U.S. Championship

The U.S. title is becoming a non-wrestling belt. Whenever someone wins it, they never defend it. Dean Ambrose and now Sheamus have probably defended it less than ten times in a year and a half. I am thinking this trend continues. Sheamus doesn’t need a title to come out and yell “fella”, kick people in the face and be over. This should be Cesaro’s turn to have a belt for awhile to prove to people he is still there, even though it won’t be defended.

Winner: Cesaro wins a title! (YAY) That doesn’t matter enough to get defended on a regular basis. (BOO)

-Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

If this looks familiar it is because Reigns pinned Rollins on RAW last Monday BEFORE their PPV match. Doing PPV matches again is no new thing, but the catch here is that they are normally done after the PPV match thus the name rematch. Now the PPV match is the rematch. After thinking on it a few days this seems like a Dean Ambrose return party. Reigns will get the best of Rollins, The Authority will come in and then Ambrose will spray his crazy personality everywhere. I meant for it to sound like it did.

Winner: Roman Reigns by DQ. Then, Tittie Master makes the save.

-Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

The problem inherent with doing a rematch from the Summerslam destruction of John Cena was apparent when Cena returned to RAW only eight days later fine and dandy, ready for more. For every step forward WWE takes, they turn around and run back about 37 steps. Cena should have stayed off RAW completely until the PPV, building up the story of can Cena come back from the mauling at Summerslam? Will he show up at the PPV? How is his mental state after Lesnar took him out so easily?

You know, storytelling.

I forgot WWE lost that art a long time ago. Instead we have Cena show up to tell Hall of Famers how they are wrong to bet against him, destroy The Wyatts and then take the fight to Lesnar like nothing happened last month. If it was possible for someone to bat .000, WWE is definitely doing it.

For the match itself, I expect a more competitive offering like I was expecting at Summerslam before WWE put my hopes and dreams on display. I give them credit for that awesome moment, but it still is not payment enough for a decade of Super Cena. We will see him get his normal beatdown, then hulk up, hit a clothesline and leg drop. Whatever. You know the deal by now. Even after all the Cena, Lesnar will still end up F5’ing him for the win. WWE can not invest as much as they have in him to squander this opportunity.

Winner: Brock Lesnar continues mounting his competitors like he mounts his wife. I miss Brock UFC promos.