Category: Movies

Get Ready For More Bautista As Drax And Less Batista Bombs

Reports are that Dave Bautista is restructuring his deal with Marvel to give him more money and more appearances in Marvel movies due to the success of Guardians of the Galaxy.

Bautista’s Drax was one of the best and unexpectedly best parts of Guardians of the Galaxy and it looks like Marvel realizes that with this news. The big part of this is that Drax will play a “significant” role in Avengers 3 which confirms what a lot of people thought that the Guardians will be teaming up with The Avengers to take on Thanos.

The reason I say you will see less of Batista in a WWE ring is simple: why would he want to come back? His return this year was met with negative fan reaction and by the time WWE turned him heel (which he should have come back as), his deal was almost up. Now he is set to be a bigger deal in the Marvel cinematic universe including Avengers 3. Why in the world would he want to go back?

September 10, 2014
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review (From Someone Who Did Not See Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

This is the tale of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. They were a black and white comic in the 80’s which was made into a Saturday morning kids show that came on before Garfield and Friends which led into Beakman’s World (fuck your Bill Nye).

A movie version of the Turtles came out in 1990 and it was amazeballs. Yes, I was ten when I saw it, but I still stand by my opinion today. Seriously, go back and watch it. It was dark and depressing as shit in places. Broken families, gang crime, blatant ripping off of Dominoes “30 minute or less” policy. Hell, Raphael gets the wholesale shit beat out of him and you think he might die.

After that…well, I will let the Honest Trailer for TMNT 2 explain it.

Now, Michael Bay, director of such explosions as Transformers, Transformers: Shia Goes to Robot Heaven, Transformers: Where’d Megan Fox Go, Transformers: Say Hello to Your Mother For Me and The Island (yeah, The Island) teams up with the director of Wrath of the Titans to bring the Ninja Turtles to the big screen again.

When turtles come in contact with an ooze of some sort they turn into huge, hulking mega turtles that learn karate by playing Ninja Gaiden and listening to their giant rat mentor voiced by Monk. Just imagine Barry Bonds with a turtle shell on his back and you have a good idea.

Their enemy is The Shredder, who may or may not be played by the bank president from the opening scene in The Dark Knight. I am kind of fuzzy on that. I do know that the new Shredder costume makes the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine look tame. Has any movie ever made someone wonder “why didn’t they get Kevin Nash to do this role again”?

There is one now.

Will kids love it? Hell yeah, but kids are stupid. You know you used to be stupid, don’t act like I am pissing on the American flag by saying they are.

If you had to take your child to the theater to see this, I applaud your resolve in loving your child. Let’s hope it is that strong when the sequel comes out in 2016, the same summer as the Power Rangers movie. Bend over and lube up.

September 2, 2014
Cinematic Batman: Worst To First- Part Two

See Part One of our countdown here.

4. Batman Returns

Returns is a movie that grows on me the more I watch it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the hell out of it when I saw it in theaters at the age of 11, but where some movies tend to lose their luster after repeated viewings, Returns somehow has grown better in my eyes.

As with 1989’s Batman, there is stuff that isn’t exactly canon, like Batman straight up murdering guys and Selina’s transformation into Catwoman, which I am sure has happened in real life because I can guess that Christopher Walken has pushed at least one woman from a high rise building. That’s just how he rolls. Danny DeVito is The Penguin…literally. Burton took the character and accentuated everything, even having him raised by penguins which I am still unsure how that works. If Bender can do it, why not Oswald Cobblepot. DeVito sometimes goes too far into loud, squawking territory. His best work is when he is being cold, calculating, low-voiced Penguin, which is how I imagine the character.

The reason Returns works for me after so long is Michael Keaton. He was settled into the role of Batman and it came with more nuance this time around. He was noticeably more comfortable as Bruce Wayne in his scenes with Michelle Pfeiffer. It was more natural than with Kim Basinger. He had the Batman voice down which was a darker variation of Bruce’s voice, not as grating as Bale’s performance.

Watching Returns make me wish that Burton and Keaton could have had one more go round.

3. The Dark Knight Rises

Ok, here we go. This is where the shit storm begins.

After The Dark Knight became the biggest superhero movie of all time at the box office (until The Avengers), everyone waited with baited breath to see if Christopher Nolan could finish up his trilogy with a bang. He totally did. People have bitched about The Dark Knight Rises ever since it was released in 2012. What is it about Bane’s goofy voice? How come cops don’t grow beards when they are stuck underground for three months? How does Bruce get back into Gotham so quickly?

-Tom Hardy’s voice was one of the best changes for the Bane character to me. I don’t want a deep-voiced Taco Bell dog yelling “Yo Quiero Batman”. When I read Bane in comics now, it is with Hardy’s voice.

-Is it so past the realm of possibility that with Bane’s thugs feeding and sending toiletries down to the cops that they could send a few goddamn razors?

-When Bruce gets out of the pit there is still a little under a month left until the bomb goes off. Could you not believe that a man as resourceful as Bruce Wayne (aka the goddamn Batman) could not find his way to Gotham in that amount of time?

Anyway, people like the movie or they don’t. I love Rises because it brings Nolan’s trilogy full circle playing almost as a sequel to Batman Begins instead of The Dark Knight. And can we just all agree with Kevin Smith and just be thankful that nerd society has become so big that we can have a character like Talia al Ghul in a fucking movie in the first place?

2. Batman

Watching Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman should be a nerd rage affair. Joker killed the Wayne family? Alfred lets Vicki in the Bat Cave? (WTF Alfred?!) Batman’s “no kill” rule is about as useful as chewy bacon. Yet, I still watch it with nine year old eyes.

Burton was the right weirdo to bring Batman into the gritty Frank Miller bat-verse that the 80’s brought us. Now today the movie does not seem near as dark, but I blame that on us as a society slowly devolving into a Purge-like state that has sat through seven Saw movies and three Hostels.

It was one of those wacky Hollywood moves that should not have worked. The director of Beetlejuice with Mr. Mom as Batman and a reluctant Jack Nicholson, who required a big payday and much convincing, as The Joker. But I’ll be damned if it still doesn’t entertain the hell out of me 25 years later.

It’s me, sugar bumps.

1. The Dark Knight

I am guessing when you began to read this you thought this would be number one, unless I went different just for the sake of being different. No surprises here. The Dark Knight is still the quintessential Batman movie.

One amazing thing about The Dark Knight is not just Heath Ledger’s performance (which has been talked about constantly for six years, deservingly), but the fact that he accomplished it in 33 minutes of screentime in a two hour and 40 minute movie. Mark Hamill will always be my favorite Joker. Sorry, I can’t change that. Ledger will have to settle for best live action psychopath.

The Dark Knight was the first comic movie to take a premise and build it around the hero. Before Marvel said their movies would be like this (Ant-Man is a heist movie with a hero, etc.), The Dark Knight was a crime drama with Batman in it. What happens when someone takes on the mob? What are the repercussions of these actions?

The Dark Knight is not perfect. Bale’s voice grates ears more than the first and last in the trilogy. I am glad that we got the Harvey Dent/Two-Face story even though it was truncated in one movie which lessens the character some. But with so much good, everything else feels like nitpicking.

I think Ben Affleck will do a fine job in Batman v Superman, but his solo movie is where he will be fully judged and it will be against The Dark Knight.

August 26, 2014
New Terminator Title Is The Epitome Of A Facepalm

Arnold Schwarzenegger tweeted the above picture revealing the title of Terminator: Genesis.

We already knew the title, but it can’t ever be that simple. As you can see the title is Terminator: Genisys. Normally the red squiggle under that word I typed means I have fucked up, but now it just means Hollywood because, reasons.

August 6, 2014
Hercules Review (From Someone Who Did Not See Hercules)

This is the tale of Hercules, a legend so big that it spawned a TV show which spawned a spinoff called Xena which had Lucy Lawless running around in leather and a possible lesbian relationship with her friend. So just by association to Xena, Hercules is awesome.

One can see how this could be mistaken for The Legend of Hercules that released early this year. That one starred someone with acting ability of a rock and this one stars The Rock. The Rock looks huge and walks around shirtless, carrying a sword and yelling a lot. His family is killed by something which basically makes this Gladiator with more wrestling and less phone throwing in the case of Russell Crowe.

One would think that an action movie such as this could be accomplished by any director. There is not any director at the helm of Hercules, there is Brett Ratner. The director that brought the X-Men franchise to its knees (until X-Men Origins: Wolverine came along, then it was bent over for something worse). Ratner will next set his sights on the Beverly Hills Cop franchise, which hit its low point with Part 3, but don’t worry, Ratner can fix that.

Hercules fights lions, hydras, armies of men and HHH in a cage match. It makes me ready for the team-up movie of Hercules and the main Avatar from Clash of the Titans. They will tag team to go up against Hades and then Harlem Heat.

The movie is filled with swordplay, humor and enough furry boots to make you think the Beastmaster will show up with his ferrets. Actually just go home and watch the Beastmaster movies. Yes, this means Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time and Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus also.

Can we have The Rundown 2?

PS- on the so small chance that The Rock sees this, I will see Hercules. I just haven’t had time yet. I know you could kick Kevin Sorbo and Kellan Lutz’s ass at the same time. Don’t hurt me.

July 29, 2014
First Trailer For The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies

Peter Jackson finishes up his time in Middle-Earth this year with the final movie in The Hobbit trilogy. Check out the trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies which has good shots of Thorin (in full-on king dickhead mode), Bilbo, Gandalf, Legolas and a whole bunch of armies.

Have to admit that I did get the feels a bit hearing Pippin’s song from The Return of the King again.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies releases on December 17th.

July 28, 2014
First Ant-Man Poster From Comic-Con

Here is the first poster for ~~Edgar Wright’s~~ Peyton Reed’s Ant-Man.

Doesn’t have the same ring to it.

The poster features Michael Douglas as Hank Pym, creator of the Ant-Man suit and Paul Rudd as Scott Lang, who in the comics steal the suit and gets Pym’s blessing to be the new Ant-Man.

Also, he is riding an ant because, Ant-Man. Ants.

This will be Marvel’s first feature to have a lot of unrest with Wright’s departure and script rewrites. Let’s hope they have not screwed up a good thing.

Ant-Man releases on July 17, 2015.

July 24, 2014
Cinematic Batman: Worst To First- Part One

In case you did not know (or haven’t been beaten over the head with it by DC) 2014 is Batman’s 75th birthday. He is still looking spry for an older gent and continues to kick ass every month in multiple comics.

This isn’t about comics though, this is about the Caped Crusader’s cinematic adventures which range from the genre-defining to the mind-retarding. Who else can claim that?

Superman, damn.

What is it with DC movie properties?

9. Batman & Robin

Let’s start off with the obvious low point. Batman Forever made more money than Returns and Warner was filled with hard-ons for more Batman. Joel Schumacher came back to direct and since Val Kilmer was a massive douche to deal with, they got fresh-out-of-the-E.R. George Clooney to play Batman. Uma Thurman was cast as Poison Ivy because she could look cool doing the Batusi and make Janeane Garofalo bearable in a romantic comedy. Then, Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze because…why the fuck not?

What was released was a cinematic abortion that almost killed the movie franchise of the most popular comic book character in the last thirty years. Bat nipples, bat asses, bat crotches, ice puns, Alicia Silverstone trying to fit in a bat suit even though she is nowhere near the size she was in Clueless. Why was Poison Ivy working with Freeze who wanted to cover the world in ice? Wouldn’t that be detrimental to plants? Maybe? The Bat credit card, bat skates, Bane in a gorilla suit, trying to make us believe that Vivica A. Fox is actually beautiful. This movie is a 90 minute long nut kick.

I will give Schumacher credit for being honest and saying that the studio pressured him to lighten up the movie to sell toys, making it essentially a bad movie. Your honesty is appreciated. Too late, but appreciated.

8. Batman Forever

Remember the summer of 1995? Weren’t we all kissed by a rose on the gray? We were getting a new Batman and we had a love song with a man who looked like he had lost a fight with a broken beer bottle to tell us. Michael Keaton and Tim Burton could not come to terms with Warner for a follow-up to Returns, so Warner let Batman be the new James Bond. Keep the series going with a new actor playing the role. The plan lasted two movies, just 21 short of the James Bond franchise.

Val Kilmer took over the role of Batman fresh off of his amazing performance in Tombstone. If only he could have acted like Doc Holliday the entire movie.

“Nygma, I’m your huckleberry”.

SOLD!

It gets credit for bringing Robin into the mix, even though he looks like he is 27, making the orphan stuff harder to take. Making Dick act like a pissy Jason Todd was also annoying.

Tommy Lee Jones decided to take his Oscar from The Fugitive a few years earlier and forget all the acting ability that won it for him. Instead, he did his best Jack Nicholson as Two-Face. His partner in crime was Fire Marshall Bill, I mean Jim Carrey as The Riddler. Together they team-up to rob Gotham’s jewelry stores and let Riddler suck everyone’s thoughts or brain power or something. As the movie progresses, Carrey wears tighter unitards revealing more and more of his balls. If it had been a half hour longer he would have just had a tattoo put on his body of a question mark with his balls being the period.

The rub about Batman Forever is that it is not a bad movie. Do not let that sentence fool you. That does not say it is a good movie. It says it is not a bad one. I can see what Schumacher was going for. He was transitioning Burton’s darker tone of the first two to his own love of all things neon.

7. Batman Begins

While Batman & Robin may not have been a franchise killer (you can only say that if it was the last Batman movie), it damn sure put him on the shelf for eight years. Luckily Warner liked the vision director Christopher Nolan showed for a reboot. Think of Warner executives (who I am assuming are not Batman experts) greenlighting a movie with no Joker, no Penguin, no Two-Face. Rather, Ra’s al Ghul and Scarecrow would be the villains, as well as the star of American Psycho being Batman. For a comic fan that is awesome, but for movie execs, that showed a set of balls.

Don’t get me wrong, Begins does have some wear on it after nine years (NINE…shit). Katie Holmes was the weakest part of the movie when it came out and time has not done her any favors, especially when you compare it to Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight. Being a Scarecrow lover I wish Cillian Murphy had more to do instead of being Ra’s’ bitch. Minor things.

After Batman & Robin we really should have considered ourselves lucky we got another Batman movie at all. The fact we got a good start to a great trilogy of films means we hit the Batman lotto scratch card bonus.

6. Batman: The Movie

Yeah, it is this high. My list, my rules. Batman: The Movie was released after the first season of the Batman ‘66 series and has The Joker, Catwoman, Riddler and Penguin teaming up to…do something. Who the hell knows? It is all about dehydrating people into dust and being able to rehydrate them to human form because, science.

Adam West is his pervy best as he puts the moves on Catwoman, who is acting like a Russian journalist. When he thinks her dead he threatens to kill all of the bad guys. Yep, Bruce wasn’t fucking around when it came to Russian tail. I can’t say I blame him, Lee Meriwether always gave me weird below the belt feelings when I was a kid so I could associate with his anger.

If only we could figure out the formula for his shark repellant spray.

Plus, can we not agree that this is one of the greatest scenes in Batman history?

5. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Batman: The Animated Series, to me, will always be the quintessential version of the character on TV or the big screen. Bruce Timm, Paul Dini and the host of other writers combined with the finest voice cast assembled to bring Batman to younger audiences and influenced a generation of future comic book writers. The only theatrical release of TAS was every bit as good as the best episodes in the series’ three year run.

What Mask of the Phantasm does is something no movie version of Batman has done successfully: told a love story with Bruce Wayne that is as good as the Batman story. It almost makes me wish we could get a real version of Andrea Beaumont someday, but I know the character would just be screwed up. Leave well enough alone.

Our children could only be so lucky to get a version of Batman half as good as this. Luckily all 85 episodes and Mask of the Phantasm are available on DVD. Parent the shit out of them about Batman.

And so ends Part One of our list. Discuss what are your favorite Batman movies below and keep an eye out for Part Two coming soon!

July 23, 2014
Hulk Hogan Was The Third Man- 18 Years Ago Today

It was 18 years ago today that Hulk Hogan turned on his fans and formed the N.W.O. with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. How time flies when you have tried to erase the last decade of John Cena from your brain.

Call it what you will. Wrestling’s Pearl Harbor (too soon?), the night that changed wrestling forever, whatever you want, just remember what it used to be like to be a wrestling fan in the late 90’s.

Why hasn’t Toby Keith done a song about this yet?

If this is Pearl Harbor does that mean Cena passing Flair’s championship reigns will be 9/11 (still too soon?)?

July 7, 2014
Review: Slight Return

http://youtu.be/H7DpVAJjfcQ
All honesty up front about this review- I have a small part in it. So I am reviewing this with some bias. It would be a complete lie to say I could do so otherwise.

In 1999, two teenagers made a crime drama called Revolver Action. It was a VHS wonder that would never see the light of day beyond the family and friends who were involved with it.

Behold the power on the internet!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKfkQVsjYaM

Very rough, yet who am I to judge? I never made a movie in my teenage years. They have a one-up on me (and maybe you) there.

Now fifteen years later the events of Revolver Action come back to haunt Cain and Whitey when their former associate Mr. Fat is killed and they learn that the brother of the man they betrayed is out for revenge.

Helped out by a former F.B.I. agent, they work their way through anybody that knows where the man threatening their families lives is hiding as he plans his vengeance.

If you take the time to watch Revolver Action you will see how much better Slight Return looks and feels. The cuts and wipes are well done and you can’t beat the soundtrack. The montage in the middle of the film should have you smiling even if you had nothing to do with this film.

I wish there could have been a bit more exposition spent on Michael’s character exploring more of his ruthlessness. While the body count is high, Michael could have had a few more bloody kills to add to his vengeful nature in the film. Who knows, maybe there is a third brother hanging around out there?

I don’t know if they filmed Revolver Action with a sequel in mind, but now that one has come and the story has been expanded, I would not mind seeing more from Cain and Whitey, even though they are “done”.

I said I would review this movie without any bias, but I simply can’t. I won’t blow smoke up your ass and say this movie is anything more than it is. There are flaws, yes, but there is also a lot of hard work involved and the finished product came out (to me) enjoyable as hell.

I hope you will give Slight Return a watch and tell us what you think about it. It runs only 45 minutes and if you have seen all three Transformers movies you have used nine hours of your life for that, spend 45 minutes giving this a try and leave your comments below.

And watch the outtakes after the movie is over. There may or may not be a True Detective bit.

NERD RATING- ~~7.5~~ 8.5 (sorry, it gets a bump because, reasons)

June 28, 2014