Author: Scott Simmons

WWE Raw Review (Not In Memes) 3/2/15

As I said the night after WrestleMania 29, I think all Raw’s should be in New Jersey. Yeah, insert your “dirty” state joke here, but the Jersey crowd knows how to put on just as good a show as WWE. Up until last night Axelmania was only something people like me enjoyed and by me I mean fat, cynical, lifelong wrestling fans that know the son Curt Hennig has talent and personality out the ass and yet, WWE’s best use of him was in a tag team with Ryback.

New Jers-ians? ites? showed Axel the love last night, and sure it was mostly as a fuck you to Cena, but I will take any kind of love over apathy.

Speaking of Cena. Who wrote last night’s segment with Stephanie saying what fans have wanted to hear for a decade? I want to kiss them full on the mouth. Maybe take them out for a nice seafood dinner and here’s the rub; I would call them again because Stephanie spent five minutes emasculating the “face” of WWE. Yes, it was buildup for Cena’s eventual win over Rusev and I don’t care. That segment will go into my infinite replay file with Punk’s pipebomb, Vince Russo’s Bash at the Beach ass rape of Hogan and anything having to do with Paul Heyman on the mic.

Good segue, right?

Heyman proved again why he is the Jesus Christ of the wrestling promo. Give him five loaves and two fish and he will feed the whole fucking wrestling world. No Brock on the show? Worried he may no show WrestleMania? Bring him a challenge. Give him two mics in a row that don’t work? He welcomes this shit. Yell at an audience member that he didn’t mention Andre the Giant because he is dead? He feeds off of your hate. He is Paplatine. Brock is his Darth Maul. Yes, Maul will get killed off because Roman needs to look strong, but Heyman will move onto the next. It’s what the greats do.

How wonderful is it when celebrity guests know wrestling? I think this should be a prerequisite for being on Raw. Give them a test (multiple choice, essay, scantron, whatevs) and if they pass they can host a show. Jon Stewart grew up in Jersey watching Bruno tear the house down? We would love to have you do your thing. Jeremy Piven thinks Summerfest is in August? Get the fuck back to 2003 when you mattered. We have better things to do.

Stewart and Rollins worked well together proving, once again, that Seth can work with anyone and make them look good in the ring. I weekly regret ever thinking he was going to be the weak link in The Shield breakup. I don’t compare people to Shawn Michaels often. Seth reminds me of Shawn in his early singles career when he was heel and you knew it was a matter of time before he was the man.

I love the IC title stuff right now. I know there are some who will poo poo on it, but it is giving the illusion that many guys want to be the champion heading into WrestleMania. Making a title look wanted before the biggest show of the year. What a novel idea.

With how ever many guys are in the IC title ladder match (4, 6, 8?) will we have double duty pulled by some guys for the Andre the Giant battle royal? Looks that way.

As the days close in on WrestleMania it looks like there will be no NXT presence there and this makes me sad. I didn’t need a title match or anything but reward some of the guys for making NXT the best brand you have by putting them on WrestleMania somehow. If they are in the battle royal, that is a better rub than not being there at all. Come on, I need Tyler Breeze using the selfie stick on the big stage.

That last sentence could have went a hundred different ways.

Dick commercials are the shampoo commercial of this years WrestleMania. Can Edge and Booker T do commentary during the Miz/Mizdow match?

Bray Wyatt burned a casket. No word on if John Denver’s country music award was in there.

Good day to you, sir (or ma’am).

March 3, 2015
I Didn’t Know You Were Called Dennis: The Order: 1886 Review

The Order’s story is too short. The Order’s cutscenes are too long. It is a Gears of War clone.

Blah blah blah.

The question I asked myself after finishing The Order, despite all the previous complaints from other reviews being true, did I have fun with The Order: 1886?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Alright. Good review. Thanks for coming.

In all honesty, some of the crap that has been heaped on The Order is founded. I would have liked less cutscenes and more gameplay. The story stops right when it gets to a good start. I will play devil’s advocate here and say that while these things irked me, they also had a somewhat positive effect.

The cutscenes are beautiful (like the rest of the game) and gave me time to appreciate what may be the best looking PS4 game yet. It is so much so that, more times than I care to mention, I would sit there for an undisclosed amount of time thinking the cutscene was still going when my character was standing there in gameplay wondering in his A.I. brain, “who the fuck is this artard that gets me shot in the face and doesn’t know when to move?”.

Playing as Galahad in a steampunk Victorian London for an order of knights that trace back to Arthur all while fighting werewolves has to be the most drug-induced game idea ever and since The Order was announced I have wanted to go to there. The story’s characters and plot are not the problem, pacing is. For the first two-thirds of the game The Order meanders around treating your playthrough like it is the first two hours of a twenty hour adventure. You should know that it is actually the first four hours of a six hour story.

Here’s the thing; the last two hours set up a sequel that I fucking want to play. I just wish the developers had known when to push the gas pedal down instead of puttering along like an elderly lady on a Sunday drive.

Gameplay is nothing new. By nothing new, I mean it is basically Gears of War. While some may mark off for this, for The Order, it is just enough. I am being shot at. I do not want to be shot in the dick, face or elsewhere so I need something to take cover behind. The mechanics and actual controls of the game are serviceable and can be expanded upon if there is a sequel.

When Sony unveiled The Order: 1886 over two years ago with a spooky trailer that made you wonder what was in the shadows, it made you think it would be Sony’s next big franchise. I was expecting more after such a long development cycle, but it turns out what was in the shadows wasn’t big and scary, just disjointed and underdeveloped.

The Order: 1886 might not be the game we expected, yet there is still a decent time to be had despite its shortcomings. A franchise is here somewhere. We may just have to wait until 1887 to get it.

March 2, 2015
Batman: Arkham Knight “Gotham Is Mine” Trailer

I could listen to John Noble read a grocery list consisting of gluten free pita bread and would get goosebumps. Listening to him reveal his plans for Gotham and Batman should make you sh** your pants.

Batman: Arkham Knight releases June 2nd.

February 25, 2015
Just For Pun: Rating The Order: 1886 Review Subtitles

Reviews for the PS4 exclusive The Order: 1886 have been middling at best. I will be reviewing the game when I pick it up and from what most reviews have said, it shouldn’t take me long to finish (it never does).

We will take a different approach to The Order since I have no review to offer you. I will review the taglines for the reviews for The Order, which range from brilliant to no effort at all. With the Victorian setting and Arthurian names the game is ripe for the subtitle picking.

“Gears of Yore”- NeoGAF

8.5/10

Starting off strong. Sterling wanted this one but GAF beat him to it.

“Short Order”- Jim Sterling

8.0/10

His backup was still strong and worth a good score.

“The Struggle Within”- IGN

6.5/10

Don’t forget, as all IGN commenters do not realize, that 6.5 is “good”.

“Uncompromising Cinematic Vision”- Game Informer

5.5/10

No pun intended I believe. Just there.

“There’s a word for games like The Order: 1886. Rental.”- Giant Bomb

8.0/10

Go right for the throat. I like it.

“7 hours out of ten.”- Eurogamer

9.5/10

Bringing it strong. This is how you do it.

“From hell”- Gamespot

8.0/10

Like the Johnny Depp reference. Gets a bump up for that.

“A half baked PS4 launch game…15 months late”.- EGM

7.0/10

Good enough to be memorable.

“Not enough chaos.”- Destructoid

6.0/10

No pun (or fun) intended.

“London calling”- Polygon

7.5/10

Should be higher but I am a Last of Us fan. If you get it, you get it.

“Ready at dawn, finished by the afternoon”- Videogamer

10/10

Winner, winner. Everyone see this? Do more of this.

February 20, 2015
First Image Of Jason Momoa As Aquaman. Men Tremble, Women Quiver

Lifelong fans of Aquaman, rejoice.

Zack Snyder tweeted out the first picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman and I can’t…words…things…trident.

Even those who have made fun of Aquaman over the years (you know who you are, haters) should admit that this is the King of the Effing Sea. Seeing him use two dolphins as chariots would actually scare the shit out of me.

February 20, 2015
Crimson Peak Trailer, You Know Me So Well

If I could show you the amount of excitement in my body right now it would melt your face like seeing the Ark of the Covenant.

Remember when this was PG movie? Shit, no wonder we grew up like we did.

Anyway, Tom Hiddleston and Jessica Chastain in a Guillermo del Toro haunted mansion movie? Even Charlie Hunnam couldn’t ruin this with his Pacific Rim accent.

Crimson Peak releases October 16th.

February 13, 2015
Jupiter Ascending Review (From Someone Who Did Not See Jupiter Ascending)

When Earth is threatened with total destruction only Jackie from That 70’s Show can save us.

Jupiter Ascending is the newest from The Wachowskis, who you can only assume have the ability of mind control for convincing Warner to give them $175 million dollars on the idea of Channing Tatum as a space elf and Mila Kunis as queen of the universe.

Jupiter is a waitress in a diner when Boromir comes along and tells her she is queen of the universe. Sean Bean dies after one sentence because it is in his contract to die in everything and why waste the time developing his character? She thinks he is a psycho until Magic Mike XXELF shows up with a laser gun and huge package then she believes everything must be true.

The baddie, played by Eddie Redmayne who took a break from acting like a cyborg genius, wants to kill Jupiter and the easiest way to do this is to destroy Earth. He has a secondary motive also. He has plans for a galactic superhighway and Earth is in the way. Don’t think about space as a three dimensional thing. Just go with it.

Jupiter and her huge elf love try to fend off the advances of evil. As Earth prepares to fall, Sean Bean returns from the grave and brings help. Ford Prefect, Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor and Delenn from Babylon 5 come with towels in hand to help Jupiter fight off the invaders. After the war is won everyone celebrates and Sean Bean dies again because, yeah.

Evil Stephen Hawking escapes, and in a big sequel bait setup, we find out he was not behind the invasion of Earth all along. Zaphod Beeblebrox kills Redmayne, whose death scene is more scene chewing than Tom Hardy in Star Trek: Nemesis. He vows to make Jupiter pay for interfering in his galactic roadwork.

Wonder about the love story with Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum? Can they make it work being from different species? Just read Saga to see real character development.

I can’t wait for Jupiter Ascending: Reloaded, when they show the city of Zion and everyone in the theater wonders what the hell is going on and don’t even bother to go to the theater for the trilogy capper, Jupiter Ascending: Revolutions.

February 13, 2015
WWE Raw Review (In Memes) 2/09/15

February 10, 2015
Marvel And Sony Are Friends With Benefits. Spider-Man Coming To Marvel Movies.

Marvel and Sony have made a deal to bring Spider-Man to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Sony will still finance, produce and release the films with Marvel’s Kevin Feige producing. Spidey will first appear in a Marvel movie before getting a new film set for July 18, 2017.

This works out for both parties involved. Sony keeps Spider-Man and gets the push of having him be involved in the MCU that can shit gold. Marvel gets to use its most recognizable character in future Marvel movies, helping Disney further towards their plans of becoming a world-controlling shadow corporation.

My guess is that Spider-Man will appear in Captain America: Civil War because, read a comic. He will be (likely) recast so start your wagers now. If we do get a new Spidey, I do feel for Andrew Garfield who was a great Peter Parker, even though his second movie failed him. He is a lifelong fan and it showed.

To welcome the web-slinger back, Marvel has shifted dates to make room.

Thor: Ragnarok goes from July 28, 2017 to November 3, 2017.

Black Panther goes from November 3, 2017 to July 6, 2018.

Captain Marvel goes from July 6, 2018 to November 2, 2018.

Inhumans goes from November 2, 2018 to July 12, 2019.

On a side note: I would be perfectly fine having Alfred Molina return as Doctor Octopus.

February 10, 2015
WWE Raw Review (In Memes) 2/2/15

February 3, 2015