This is the tale of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. They were a black and white comic in the 80’s which was made into a Saturday morning kids show that came on before Garfield and Friends which led into Beakman’s World (fuck your Bill Nye).

A movie version of the Turtles came out in 1990 and it was amazeballs. Yes, I was ten when I saw it, but I still stand by my opinion today. Seriously, go back and watch it. It was dark and depressing as shit in places. Broken families, gang crime, blatant ripping off of Dominoes “30 minute or less” policy. Hell, Raphael gets the wholesale shit beat out of him and you think he might die.

After that…well, I will let the Honest Trailer for TMNT 2 explain it.

Now, Michael Bay, director of such explosions as Transformers, Transformers: Shia Goes to Robot Heaven, Transformers: Where’d Megan Fox Go, Transformers: Say Hello to Your Mother For Me and The Island (yeah, The Island) teams up with the director of Wrath of the Titans to bring the Ninja Turtles to the big screen again.

When turtles come in contact with an ooze of some sort they turn into huge, hulking mega turtles that learn karate by playing Ninja Gaiden and listening to their giant rat mentor voiced by Monk. Just imagine Barry Bonds with a turtle shell on his back and you have a good idea.

Their enemy is The Shredder, who may or may not be played by the bank president from the opening scene in The Dark Knight. I am kind of fuzzy on that. I do know that the new Shredder costume makes the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine look tame. Has any movie ever made someone wonder “why didn’t they get Kevin Nash to do this role again”?

There is one now.

Will kids love it? Hell yeah, but kids are stupid. You know you used to be stupid, don’t act like I am pissing on the American flag by saying they are.

If you had to take your child to the theater to see this, I applaud your resolve in loving your child. Let’s hope it is that strong when the sequel comes out in 2016, the same summer as the Power Rangers movie. Bend over and lube up.


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