SWEET BABY BEARDED JESUS, THEY DID IT.
WWE took a hold of the Daniel Bryan train and pointed that son of a bitch right at the main event of WrestleMania.
With Mania being only four weeks away, I am sure I was not the only one thinking that Bryan would be facing HHH and they would stick to their guns and have Orton and Batista get booed out of the building.
Someone realized that by staying the course, WrestleMania would have been the biggest shit taken on New Orleans since Katrina. Whoever that someone is…thank you. If you will email me and tell me who you are I will buy you a very nice seafood dinner.
Of course, the WWE could have been trolling us the entire time and they are doing Chris Cooper’s maniacal laugh from The Muppets at what fools all of us “internet” fans are. I could not give less of a shit. We got what we wanted for WrestleMania.
Now don’t think I am saying Bryan is automatically winning the title. I could see Batista winning just as easily, setting him up as the main heel of the company. But this is also not a normal WrestleMania either. It is WrestleMania 30. It is like a big anniversary for your parents and you want it to end with them hugging and kissing while the family “awes”, not with your mother calling your dad a drunken loser and your dad saying he bang his secretary ten years ago.
We also officially got Cena vs. Wyatt set for Mania last night. Now we just play the waiting game of Wyatt bitch slapping Cena for four weeks on the mic then have Cena overcome all the odds…blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different decade.
This could be a star-making, career-defining moment if they let Wyatt go over, but I think we all know better than that. It is like going to the dog track and betting all of your money on a chihuahua when he is racing against Clifford the Big Red Dog and getting pissed when he loses.
The Undertaker graced us with his nine minute entrance and thirty second promo. It’s all cool, cause Uncle Paul was there to carry the load. I loved how he compared Taker’s streak against the other greats who have come nowhere close. Whenever I hear Heyman on the mic selling the hell out of a match between a guy that only wrestles once a year and another guy who is not even there, it makes me wonder how much better the past five years could have been if he had been with the WWE full-time.
Hell, he probably could have gotten Ryback a world title if he had been his voice the entire time. As frightening as that sounds, that’s how good Heyman is.
The rest of Raw was used for a slow burn of feuds we hope pay off at Mania. The Shield had another great match with The Rhodes Brothers, who took time away from playing with WWE Lego’s in the back to give The Shield their win back from last year. With only four weeks left, they are going to have to start making that crack they keep talking about into a full-blown explosion.
Unless…they have decided to keep The Shield together past WrestleMania, which is juuuust fine with me.
BROTHER, BROTHER! WWE UNIVERSE! WWE NETWORK! CHRIS LEMMON! BROTHER!
OK, I do like the idea of the Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal. It gets a lot of guys who would be in the back eating catering on the card and pays respect to the legacy of Andre. Anyone else thinking a Big Show win?
Sheamus and Christian wrestled…again…again. I applaud these two for working hard the past few weeks even when no one in the crowd seemed to care. That wasn’t the case last night. Their Memphis Street Fight was damn fun to watch. Christian went a little 12 Years a Slave on Sheamus’ back with that kendo stick. Doesn’t help he is basically a six foot five inch bottle of Elmer’s glue either.
How about that Brogue Kick through the bass drum?
If you did not watch the match last night, that sentence made it sound like I just jumbled words together like the little magnets on the refrigerator.
Once again, Cesaro has become an afterthought on Raw after his match with Cena last month. Seems like I predicted that would happen, but I won’t get a dickish and say it…wait.
He and Swagger are headed for splitsville and will be lucky to have a match against each other on the Mania card. I swear they better not pre-show Cesaro. You did so much right last night WWE. Don’t cock it up.
Here is the updated card for WrestleMania 30 after last night:
Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. (Daniel Bryan?) for the WWE World Heavyweight Title
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
HHH vs. Daniel Bryan (if Bryan wins he is in the main event)
Andre the Giant Memorial 30-Man Battle Royal
Till next week!
If Helen Mirren twerking did not make your day, I can’t help you.