Courtesy WWE
Courtesy WWE

I can’t start this recap without first mentioning the launch of the WWE Network yesterday. God knows they let you know about it on Raw last night. That was the main crux of why Hogan even made an appearance in Green Bay.

“Hulkamania, brother. WWE Univer…Network. Vitamins. Prayers. WWE Network. WrestleMania, brother.”

I did sign up for the WWE Network yesterday and for a day one launch it went fairly smoothly. There were some loading issues and long buffer times but there was no catastrophic crashes, so I call that a big win.

And the library…the sweet, sweet nectar of what every wrestling fan has wanted to watch at their leisure without having to spend thousands of dollars for overpriced DVD’s on eBay or from some Craigslist ad where you aren’t sure if you are going to get a copy of Fall Brawl ’98 or a knifey hello from a chick with anger issues.

Anyway…there is almost too much to take in for only $10 a month. And yes I am aware of how that sounded.

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Getting to the actual show itself, for a Raw that WWE wanted to build as a PPV on TV, it certainly was…a show. So I guess they accomplished what they wanted since Elimination Chamber was a big, heaping pile of “shit I knew was going to happen”.

Last night did pretty much firmly set in place the WrestleMania card we all knew was coming, but the one we didn’t want to see.

Daniel Bryan made it actually believable that he wants to wrestle HHH at Mania. What hurts here is that I could easily see the talking heads backstage wanting to put Bryan in the main event with Orton and Batista. They know as well as we do that the crowd is most likely going to highjack the main event and make WrestleMania end on an embarrassing note.

That would leave HHH without a match and you sure as shit know that’s not happening. I wouldn’t even put it past him to have such a wounded ego about Punk leaving, because he did not think a match with Terra Ryzing was worth his time, that Hunter will make Bryan do the job.

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Leave it to Undertaker and Brock Lesnar to do their best to get people excited about WrestleMania 30. Yes, this match may be a decade too late and I am still wondering why WWE went this direction especially if Sting is WANTING TO WRESTLE UNDERTAKER.

You heard me right. Sting was willing to travel down to Texas and work with Taker on their Mania match when he signs with the company. Now don’t get them wrong, the WWE want Sting, they just don’t consider it very high on their list of to-do’s.

I can’t make this shit up.

They are so set on their WrestleMania card that they don’t want to give fans the one fucking match that has been talked about ever since WCW shut their doors 13 years ago. There are talks about Sting coming in after WrestleMania for a run and ending with a match at Mania 31, but with both guys being at the point they are in their careers, don’t you put that match on whenever and wherever you can?

Even with all my bitching, I still know that Lesnar and Taker will, most likely, steal the show.

Side note- Is it coincidence that Taker came back with the Ministry goatee only days after I shaved my mustache and went full-on Amish? I think not!

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That is just Cesaro doing his Cesaro thing. Damn.

How big a shit was taken in everyone’s pants last night when Cena hurt his knee?

Normally I am all for Cena taking time off no matter how it happens, but this is the wroooong time of year, especially with a genuine excitement for his match with Bray Wyatt building in my twinkie-filled body (RIP Harold Ramis).

The injury sure did look legit. One of those fluke things that was no one’s fault, you just have to file it under “shit happens”. Early reports are it could be a hyperextension or even a dislocated kneecap. If that is true I have send respect Cena’s way for still gutting through it to finish the segment. Here is hoping it is not too serious. Mania is already looking weak, we don’t need one of the few interesting matches on the card to get scratched.

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#Emmalution #CaptainHappyPants

I can’t help but feel a little bad for Batista. He has been gone four years and the fans are giving him the business because he is being forced into a spot that they want Daniel Bryan to be in. The Bootista train has left the station and there is no derailing it.

At least they made light of it last night with Orton asking if Drax was even happy he came back because of the boos. They seem to be taking the Cena approach and telling Batista to go with the flow.

Wrong. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

bootista

The reason why it is the Cena approach is that it only works with Cena. People love to cheer him and they love to hate him…it’s his thing. It has and forever will define his career. People are booing Batista because they genuinely don’t want him in the main event and since WWE has painted themselves into this corner they need to turn him heel, either at Mania or right after.

Batista is more The Rock than John Cena. He doesn’t have to be there. He wanted to come back for one more run. He could be off doing other shit like sexually harassing women, picking things up and putting them down or hanging out with Chris Pratt.

That last thing is why Batista is better than all of us.

pratt

Leave it to Green Bay to shit all over a good match between Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns. As one member of Twitter succinctly put it “it reminds me of The Rock and HHH in their Nation/DX days”. We can only hope those two have the careers ahead of them like Rock and HHH. One of the bright spots about watching Raw now is seeing all the potential that could flourish into main event stardom in the future.

I keep wondering when Bray will have a bad week on the microphone and it never happens. Every week he shows everyone in the locker room how to keep people hanging on his words, even if they make as much sense as Ted Nugent after three days of Grey Goose and ecstasy.

Here is the card for WrestleMania 30 so far:

Randy Orton vs. Batista for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

HHH vs. Daniel Bryan

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

I do genuinely want to watch Taker/Lesnar and Cena/Wyatt. I would be more excited about the Bryan match if I did not have this lingering feeling that HHH will get the win.

How am I feeling about WrestleMania 30 with only 40 days to go? As it looks now, partly shitty with a 75% chance of disappointment. Let’s hope the WWE can build a solid undercard to liven things up a bit.

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Till next week!

 

 

 

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