Fat Guy In A Little Singlet- Raw Recap, April 7, 2014

Written in


Photo courtesy WWE
Photo courtesy WWE

The Raw after WrestleMania is like that one big summer movie you know you absolutely can not miss. It’s big, it’s fun, its got lots of things getting blown up. In this case that would be The Ultimate Warrior who played his character so well he was out of breath after walking to the ring.

That is dedication.

I’ll be damned if that Warrior promo didn’t make a damn bit of sense, but wouldn’t we worry if it did? That’s his schtick. To talk about the power of the Warriors and blood and veins and living in the clouds with all the other Warriors and have tantric sex to bring about the end of the world after we ascend to the heavens by the comets in the stars.

See, I just did one. It’s easy. Now you try.

I have to give props to the post-WrestleMania crowd in New Orleans. They lived up to the past two years from New York/Jersey and Miami. Cheering for whoever they wanted to, booing Cena so hard even he had to acknowledge it and even singing along with songs I had no earthly idea you could sing-a-long with.

Side note: Can we all agree that singing “Cena sucks” to his music should become the new Kurt Angle “you suck”.

The MVP of the show was Paul Heyman, without a doubt, who had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. His promo with Brock about beating Taker’s streak is the kind of speech that goes on future DVD’s to be remembered. Mentioning that there are WWE Hall of Famer(s), legend(s) and superstar(s), but there is only one Brock Lesnar. He is the one in 21-1.

So much brilliant. Hard to brain straight.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, after getting booed with the power of a thousand suns with Brock, Cesaro announces that he is a Paul Heyman guy…and the bastard gets cheered out of the building!

Greatest manager ever? The conversation is becoming easier to say yes. Yes, he is.

Guess who else was major over last night? If you said The Wyatts, you win a Follow the Buzzards Prize Pack which includes a dirty, sweaty wife beater, a sheep mask and odd looks from everyone around as they wonder if you are a meth dealer in Louisiana.



Has it become tradition to give Sheamus the shit end of the stick on the Raw after WrestleMania? Last year his match with Orton was crapped all over by the lovely crowd that chanted for JBL and Jerry Lawler. So how do they reward him this year? Put him in a tag match with John Cena.

Gee, thanks guys.

The crowd was not booing him and Big E. directly, just the fact they were in close vicinity to Cena. The fact that The Wyatts were on the other side did not help matters either. It’s all good Sheamus. Maybe next year they will put you in a handicap match against The Rock, Stone Cold and Daniel Bryan as we all watch what happens like some sort of twisted social experiment.

Holy shit, did Paige really just win the Divas Championship?!


Yes, she did. And it was glorious. Now everyone should know I was a firm believer of AJ keeping the belt until the day HHH decides to kill the Divas division and show clips of Total Divas on Raw instead of matches, but my only other happy possibilities were Emma, who is being wasted with Santino, and Paige winning the title.

Last night had a good feel to it (giggity). AJ’s promo about how she has run roughshot over the sad Divas division basically said that while the cast of Total Divas may be fame-seeking TV whores, they also should not hold the Divas title ever.

Wait…no that’s about right with the one exception being Nattie.

So the fact that Paige came in and beat AJ should signal a change in the Divas division from one of Funkanoonegivesashits and twins whose only differences are tit size and taste in men, to actual in-ring talent that will elevate the division and, by extension, the belt.

Side note: Adam Rose is awesome. If you don’t know, you will soon.

Feels a bit weird going this long and just now getting to the main event, but there was so much shit last night.

Did anyone else get one of those “oh shit is it 2003” moments when HHH said he would face Bryan for the title and Batista and Randy Orton would have a match for the tag titles? I know I did. It was not fun. I had the thought of after WrestleMania, the meetings for Raw going something like this:

“Alright, we gave them what they wanted. What next?”

“We could kind of bring back Evolution and have them win everything again. Who doesn’t want to see that?”

Then I stab my eyes out with a #2 pencil (does anyone still use those?) and wear my sheep mask from my Follow the Buzzards Prize Pack.

It looks like we are heading for a Evolution/Authority/whatever they are now vs. Daniel Bryan/Shield match. This pleases me. I am glad they did not break The Shield up at Mania because they are hitting a new high and are going to sell the hell out of those new facemasks that look cool on them, but will be scary as shit on a kid.

Really, if I saw a kid wearing one I would head the other direction, because I’ll be damned if I end up like Fred Gwynne in Pet Sematary and have some kid off me.


Side note: The real bad news from last night was that Barrett will only get cheered on the post-Mania Raw.

Why in the hell were they saving Cesaro beating Swagger last night? You have the crowd behind him and Heyman and you end it with a crowd-deflating count-out? What? Are you saving a Swagger loss for a PPV? Like we haven’t seen Swagger lose to everyone on the roster over the past two years…for free! And that includes two midgets!

Remember last year when the Raw the week after WrestleMania was a complete letdown after all the Fandangoing and whatnot? Well, I get to be a part of the disappointment firsthand next week! That’s right kids, I will be at Raw live next week and will apologize in advanced for the shitty crowd. It is Alabama and unless they are going to have a Shield vs. Authority football game, I know how this will go. Our group will do our best, but we are only a handful against a legion that kind of looks like Harper and Rowan.


Until next week!

achievement unlocked-house





Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *